SHE's blog: "S.H.E."

This is the second of my blogs.  I sincerely hope these help some of you wake up to the damage you do to yourselves before it's too late. 

Now that I got the first part out of the way, it's time to address the next part of my rant.  Why, oh WHY, do the majority of you "women" or "ladies" CHOOSE to spend your time with CRAP that isn't worth it?  I KNOW why.  Like I said before, I've been where you are.  High levels of insecurity plus low levels of self-respect equal nothing but a disaster for us.

I get neurotically insecure, I admit that.  Yes, it is a flaw.  But I never once claimed to be perfect.  Nor will I ever.  I tried to be many, many times in my life, but all efforts were wasted on people I was too blind, too stupid, or just too damned naive to see were not worth me or my time.  I grew up OBSESSED with my need for attention.  I admit that a lot went on in my life that has made me as I am.  I choose to either learn from it or die, because I certainly won't live with it as it was.

I see so many women fall into the same traps, or step into them willingly as I did, far too many times.  When are you going to wake up and tell that fuck lump in your bed to get the hell out of your life because you're better than him?  When are you going to take charge of your own life, instead of depending on others to take responsibility for you?

October 10, 2009 was my rebirth.  That was the day I stepped up and took charge of my life.  Before that day, I was involved in a BDSM relationship.  (And any of you bastards who dare try to message me because of that WILL be immediately blocked.)  It was a poly situation.  I and another female were sub to one male.  He had every horny guy's dream and abused it.  Abused me, damaged me in ways that I find unthinkable now.  BUT...  Don't think I lay blame solely at his feet.  I CHOSE to be his sub.  I CHOSE to let him do to me things I told myself I'd never allow.

I have physical, emotional and psychological scars from a relationship that lasted over a year and a half.  It left me bitter and angry as hell, because here was a guy who would sit in front of me, look me in the eye and tell me he loved me.  Yet, in the space of a heartbeat, he goes cold, emotionless, uncaring if I so choose to defy him.  Towards the end of the relationship, I defied him every chance I got.  Why?  Because sometimes paybacks can be a bitch in the disguise of a heartbroken, hurting woman.

But did I REALLY love him?  That's a question I cannot truly answer.  Part of me says yes, part of me says no.  Either way, he had a lasting effect on me.  Just as every bad decision YOU make in regards to men effects you for a long time.  There are good, positive, bright sides to every horror story.  You just have to CHOOSE to make it so.

Earlier this month, I found myself falling head over heals for Xavier Acorea.  I'm learning a lot about him, about myself, about life in general.  He's the second most wonderful thing that's ever happened to me after the birth of my son.  Will I eventually stop learning from him?  God, I hope not.  And the things he makes me think and feel make the last two years seem more like a very rude dream.  Yes, good things CAN come to you if you choose to let them.

I took the time to let him in, and in my heart is where he will forever stay.  I didn't go looking for him, but he found me.  I'll be forever thankful to him for that.  So, LADIES, if you want to be ladies, stand up straight, look at yourself in the mirror and defiantly tell yourself "I love you".  Keep repeating it until you DO love yourself, because all this bullshit you're going through isn't out of love.

Drop the loser who's humping your leg.  Find someone who IS worth your time.  BE A WOMAN AND FIND YOURSELF!

Posted by CHELLE