Pickwick's blog: "Who I am"

(Taken from my MySpace blog, just thought I would share, though it is long lol.)

Honesty is good right? I like honesty, even if it doesn't exactly make me feel good.
 And I figure the only people who read these are people who kinda care what's going on in my life, and if you are a friend, I have nothing to hide really.

  If you aren't a friend, why in the world are you reading this crap? ; ).

  So recently I decided something, and it's not like usually when I decide something, this is gonna happen. As most of y'all know since the tornado (WOW, almost 2 years ago!) I've had panic attacks, or I call them neurotic attacks since it does funky things to my nerves and back. Anyway, since it happened I have been a little emotionally... unbalanced? I guess? What I mean is I can go from happy to sad to angry any time during the day, and sometimes I'll just remember tornado stuff and remember the sounds and feelings and all that and it messes with me, makes me feel shakey and yeah even a little scared. I've struggled with depression off and on since I was 12, so that isn't a huge deal or anything, but trying to go to sleep and out of nowhere feel this incredible depression/panicky feeling and start crying, and not know why? That I don't like. That's what made me decide "Okay, there is something wrong with me" so... I'm gonna talk to my doctor, since ignoring hasn't seemed to help -go figure!
  Part of me is afraid, I mean I hate pills, the only time I take pills is when I am desperate -in other words, cramps, bad headaches, or when I've coughed 30 times in the last hour.
  So, am I kinda being a hypocrite? I mean since I am usually SO against pill popping and all that. Yet...I'm tired of living like this. I never wanted to start taking any kind of pill because I thought too many people turned to pills to "fix" everything, and I know how it can screw with your mind and body. But I know there are some out there that help, like the pills my mom takes for Fibro. There still isn't a cure but, if it can make it a little easier on her I'm all for it.
  And I do mean I'm against most pills, this may be a little more than you wanna know but I don't even wanna take birth control in the pill form, still not sure on the other forms. And no, that is not why I am still a virgin, that is a combination of religion, wanting to not just sleep around with anyone, and thinking that sex is actually a deeper thing than just putting "___ in the ___ and have fun!" lol. Plus, I figure if I ever got knocked up, I wouldn't wanna go through that alone and I don't know there's just a lot behind the virgin thing but that's besides the point -I'm very easily distracted sometimes.

  So I'm torn. I don't want to become an artificial version of me, because yeah I can be a little too emotional... but I sorta like me, when I'm not annoying myself : ).  Depression aside, I also don't like my temper. I don't get violent, I don't break things or hit, I don't know if I've ever really hit anyone excluding playing around.   Usually I tend to take my frustrations out on myself, whether it be not eating, not drinking, not sleeping, or... yeah even bodily harm. I will admit I have... well cut. I can't remember the last time I did though, I have tried to stop a few times but this time I really have no desire to add anymore scars. And for anyone who doesn't know, I hope I didn't disappoint or upset, I never cut deep so there was never any real danger. The thing that hurt the most was cleaning them and the alcohol...yeesh! And no, that doesn't make me emo, just... I don't know.
  My theory has always been; Everyone has problems, mine aren't any worse than a lot of things people are going through. It took me a long time to realize just because there were people worse off didn't mean my problems were as trivial as I thought. Everyone's problems are important, even mine.
  I may be betraying myself, but right now I kinda don't care, I wanna be happy and not always think "it won't last," that it's just a matter of time before something happens to ruin the good times. How is that any way to live?

  I would like to think I've grown as a person, that I'm better than say...three years ago. Actually I know I am, I uploaded a video on YouTube and actually showed myself -the real kicker is that I wasn't wearing any makeup! I never would have done that before. I got some help with that stuff though, and thanks will never be enough to explain how grateful I am for that help.


  I guess I have been talking long enough er- I mean typing.
  That's what has been going on with me, any thoughts or advice?
 

  By the by, I have to say... Hobby Lobby... ROCKS! I went for the first time in years and aye! I was good and spent actually not a lot of money, but got some cool stuff, and some stuff for a centerpiece for my aunt's baby shower, so I felt good : ).

  I love you all, even when I'm mad at you or have hurt feelings ; ), I hope everyone is doing great and is safe and enjoying all the stuff that is worth enjoying in this world. Adios, te queirro tanto, and all that schtick!

  Well I figured I'd kind of give anyone reading this a glimps of who I am. No false confidence on here.

  My name, for starters is Alicia (Ah-lee-see-uh no "sh" sound), and I have a million nicknames, which I don't mind, but please do not ever call me Ali/Ally/Aly. It's just a personal pet peeve and it really irks me. Usually people call me Cisa, but anything else is fine. I will be 19 come late October. Yes, I am a Christian, I'll never hide it or be ashamed. But do know that I don't think it's right to force your beliefs on others, so if you're not a Christian that's your business and I won't throw any Bibles at you. One of my closest firends is a Wiccan so I care more about the person.

  I'm kind of a nerd, no one my age are into the same stuff as me so I'm a bit of a loner. I mean the whole fake "gangsta" and mexihussie lifestyles just aren't really my thing, and I'm not Latina Barbie material so. I love to read, mostly vampy/Were/ghosty/supernatural type things. And I like science fiction and alternative reality things, like anything from the author Jasper Fforde (look him up he rocks) and Douglas Adams. And yeah I'm almost 19 but I love Roal Dahl lol.

  And I love music, I'll listen to almost anything, from Hank Williams to Disturbed to Blondie or Heart to Amandma Palmer and Kutless. I love music, it inspires me to draw a lot of things and helps me design clothes. And same with movies, I like quite a few. My tops are; The Rocky Horror Picture Show (fave of all time), I LOVE the Crow too, The Day The Earth Stood Still -the original, Stephen King's IT, Labyrinth, Phat Girlz, and anything Tim Burton.

  Like I mentioned before I have designed women's clothes, it's been my dream since I was like 7 or 9 to be a designer. I think it's wrong that thicker or taller or shorter people have to pay huge prices for sometimes ugly plain and unflattering clothes. What if someone who's a little shorter or taller or even real skinny or with a little extra to work with wants to dress flirty? I mean with plus size clothes atleast it's two extremes, it's either plain beige and baggy pants, or streetwalker clothes that you almost can't go outside in. Where's the neutral pretty but decent clother UNDER $100 a shirt? That's my goal, I think every one on this planet is perfect, we just can't see it sometimes, and face it... with girls if you have an outfit you love you feel great on the inside too, which makes you shine on the outside.

  And yeah there are certain subjects that if I get started on I can't shut up lol. That ^ is one of them. 

 Anyway, I do have a lot of faults. I can get paranoid about stuff, worry and stress over things I can't fix. Even dreams can really get to me. Like I have these neurotic attacks I call them, I don't freak out, it's all going on inside, but I just feel kinda fidgety and closed off. I think it's mostly due to the tornado because it got worse afterward. I'm an emotional person, or atleast I think so. I get along with anyone, I love my friends and family with all my heart and if I feel close enough to you it takes a lot to hurt me, I give everyone every chance to be forgiven. 

  And just for the record, I was born without a lower growth plate in my left knee, that's what makes the leg grow straight, so from the knee down my leg is kinda...I don't know, bent? Curved? Anyway it's crooked, so I can't walk/stand for long periods. I can still do whatever I want, I just sometimes have to sit down. I'm not ashamed of it, yeah it means I limp when I walk but that's just me. It never even bothered me til I was old enough to realize guys might not like it, and girls could make fun of me. I won't apologize for anything about me... except sometimes I say stupid things or the come out wrong, which then I am sorry. 

  This is already pretty long so I better can it. This is pretty much me though, no lies or dressing up on anything. Love me or hate me. If you wanna talk to me that's great, and never feel like you have to pretend to be someone else, just be you, but if you're just going to bad mouth me don't waste the energy. Love to everyone!     

First Name: Alicia

Nicknames: Cisa, Ici

Are you named after anyone?: There's a few Alicias on my biological dad's side of the family yeah.

Age: 18

Eye color: Dark brown

Zodiac sign: Libra

Tattoos: 2, one of my thigh, the other on my chest. Wanting to get another on my lower leg

Height: 5'1/5"2... I am short yes....

*Favorites*

Food: I actually love different salads, and dry cereal lol.

Drink:Um...tea or Moutain Dew?

Color: I LOVE red lol, but I also love cammo and tye-dye...if that counts.

Type of weather: Sunny but a little on the cool side.

TV show: I Love Lucy and Corner Gas (a Canadian show).

Movie: The Rocky Horror Picture Show and The Crow and Across the Universe are all up there.

Book: Something Rotten by Jasper Fforde, tied with.... The BFG by Roald Dahl lol. No making fun of me!

Type of car/truck: Well my dream car is a sweet El Camino....

Flower: The Cherokee Rose.

*Have you ever...*

Kissed two people in the same day?: I've only kissed one person...ever lol.

Smoked?: Maybe...

Drank?: Sorta kinda yeah.... lol.

Cheated?: Nope, never would.

Been cheated on?: Twice...

Sang in the shower?: I sing any time I'm alone lol.

Had a reaccuring dream?: Yep, I was always driving our white van, which always became out of control.

Cried in public?: Four times, and that's all I can think of. I hate crying in front of people but... I couldn't stop it.

Cried over a movie?: Yes! I'm such a girl sometimes! I have even cried from books on occassion...oy.

*RaNdOM*

Ever gone skinny dipping?: No... but I've always wanted to. At night lol.

Do you want to get married?: Someday.

Do you like thunderstorms?: If it's below 60 outside I'm ok, I'm just starting to like rain again.

Do you swear?: When I swear you know I'm extremely pissed or depressed (or both), I don't like cursing but I can put up with it from others.

Worst Fears: Deep water, tornadoes, Major heights, spiders the size of computer mouse and bigger.

Do you like your handwriting?: Sometimes, I have two styles of writing though, one for others to see and then my own short hand gibberish lol.

Do you believe in God?: Yep! : - ).

Do you believe in ghosts?: Um... not the "Boo" kinda, but I did see my great-grandma in church after she died. I think God let's us see loved ones sometimes.

*This or That...?*

Dog or cat?: Both... or gorillas!

Day or night?: Sunrise morning (between 7-8 only) and night.

Comedy or horror?: Both, but I'm picky about ym horrors.

Book or magazine?: Book nerd I am!

Chocolate or vanilla?:Both I guess, though vanilla a little more.

*The Last...*

Person to kiss you: My sorta-ex.

Make you cry: Same as ^ .

Call you: Grandma.

Last thing you drank: Coke.

Movie you saw in the theatre: The Final Destination.

Who broke your heart: The same as questions 1 & 2.

Last nightmare you had: Um... kind of a long explanaition but it involved heights and I woke up shaking and breathing hard, lasted for about 10 minutes. Creepy.

Movie you watched: Babycakes, yeah yeah it's such a chick flick.

*Right now...*

What are you worried about?: Finishing my GED course and passing the drivers thing.

What book are you reading?: Something Rotten by Jasper Fforde -yeah re-reading it, I love it! And... something with Immortal in it? By Amanda Ashley, it's part of a real cool series.

Are you listening to music, if so then what?: What's the use of won'drin? by Amanda Palmer.

Your parting statement...: Good night, good day, and good recycling. Love to all!