All hair removal methods have tricked women with their promises of easy,painless removal - The Epilady, scissors, razors, Nair and now ..... the wax.Read on......... My night began as any other normal weeknight. Come home, eat dinner, playwith the dog. I then had the thought that would ring painfully in my mindfor the next few hours: 'Maybe I should pull the waxing kit out of the medicine cabinet.' So Iheaded to the site of my demise: The bathroom. It was one of those 'coldwax' kits. No melting a clump of hot wax. You just rub the strips togetherin your hand, they get warm and you peel them apart and press them to yourleg (or wherever else) and you pull the hair right off. No muss, no fuss. How hard can it be? I mean, I'm not a genius, but I ammechanically inclined enough to figure this out. (YA THINK!?!?) So I pull one of the thin strips out. It's two strips facing each otherstuck together. Instead of rubbing them together, my genius kicks in so I getout the hair dryer and heat it up. wax,' yeah ..... right!) I lay the strip across my thigh. Hold the skinaround it tight and pull. It works! OK, so it wasn't the best feeling, but it wasn't too bad. I can do this! Hair removal no longer eludes me! I am She-rah, fighter of all wayward bodyhair and maker of smooth skin extraordinaire. With my next wax strip I move north. After checking on the dog, I sneak backinto the bathroom, for the ultimate hair-fighting championship. I drop my panties and place one foot on the toilet. Using the same procedure, I apply the wax strip across the right side of mybikini line, covering the right half of my hoo-ha and stretching down to theinside of my butt cheek (it was a long strip). I inhale deeply and brace myself ..... RRRRIIIPPP!!!! I'm blind!!! Blinded from pain!!!!...... OH MY GAWD!!!!!!!!! returning, I notice that I've only managed to pull off half the strip. CRAP! Another deep breath and RIPP! Everything is spinning and spotted. I think I may pass out ..... must stay conscious ..... must stayconscious.Do I hear crashing drums??? Breathe, breathe ..... OK, back to normal. I want to see my trophy - a wax-covered strip, the one that has caused me somuch pain, with my hairy pelt sticking to it. I want to revel in the glory that is my triumph over body hair. I hold up the strip. There's no hair on it! Where is the hair??? WHERE IS THE WAX??? Slowly I ease my head down, Foot still perched on the toilet. I see the hair.The hair that should be on the strip ..... it's not! I touch. I am touching wax. I run my fingers over the most sensitive part of my body, which is nowcovered in cold wax and matted hair. Then I make the next BIG mistake ..... remember my foot is still propped uponthe toilet? I know I need to do something. So I put my foot down. Sealed shut! My butt is sealed shut. SEALED SHUT! I penguin-walk around the bathroom trying to figure out what to do and thinkto myself, 'Please don't let me get the urge to poop. My head may pop off!'What can I do to melt the wax? Hot water!! Hot water melts wax!! I'll run the hottest w ater I can stand into thebathtub, get in, immerse the wax-covered bits and the wax should melt and Ican gently wipe it off, right??? WRONG!!!!!!! I get in the tub - the water is slightly hotter than that used to tortureprisoners of war or sterilize surgical equipment -- I sit. Now, the only thing worse than having your nether regions glued together ishaving them glued together and then glued to the bottom of the tub ..... in scalding hot water. Which, by the way, doesn't melt cold wax. So, now I'm stuck to the bottom of the tub as though I had cemented myself tothe porcelain!! God bless the man who had convinced me a few months ago to ave a phone put inthe bathroom!!!!! I call my friend, thinking surely she has waxed beforeand has some secret of how to get me undone. It's a very good conversationstarter -- 'So, my butt and hoo-ha are glued together to the bottom of thetub!' There is a slight pause. She doesn' t know any secret tricks for removal butshe does try to hide her laughter from me. She wants to know exactly where the wax is located. 'Are we talking cheeks,or hole, or hoo-ha?' She's laughing out loud by now ..... I can hear her. I give her the rundown and she suggests I call the number on the side of thebox. YEAH!!!!! Right!! I should be the joke of someone else's night. While we go through various solutions, I resort to trying to scrape the waxoff with a razor.Nothing feels better than to have your girlie goodies covered in hot wax,glued shut, stuc k to the tub in super hot water, and then dry-shaving thesticky wax off!! By now the brain is not working, dignity has taken a major hike and I'mpretty sure I'm going to need Post-Traumatic Stress counseling for thisevent. My friend is still talking with me when I finally see my saving grace .....the lotion they give you to remove the excess wax. What do I really have to lose at this point? I rub some on and OH MY GOD!!!!!!! The scream probably woke the neighbors and scared the dickens out of my friend. It's sooooo painful, but I really don't care. 'IT WORKS!! It works !!' I get a hearty congratulation from my friend and she hangs up. I successfully remove the remainder of the wax and then notice to my g riefand despair..... THE HAIR IS STILL THERE....... ALL OF IT! So I recklessly shave it off. Heck, I'm numb by now. Nothing hurts. I could have amputated my own leg at this point. Next week I'm going to try hair color......
