SERIn Luv w Dyeanna's blog: "Memories were meant to fade"

I sometimes wish I was too dead emotionally to feel,or think things anymore.I sat this because my mind and my emotions always play tricks on me...leaving me feeling like an asshole,and looking like a dumbass.And thats basically the reason I dont open myself up to people anymore.The last time I did,which was last year...it started off fine.I met this beautiful Irish girl,and we hit it off almost immediately.At the time,her boyfriend was putting her through some bullshit.So,naturally,I was helping her through it..being supportive of her,and being her shoulder when she needed someone to lean on for emotional support.Now,doing all these things for her,naturally,she developed feelings for me..as did I for her.At that point,we were talking and texting practically 24-7.I loved it.And I was starting to develop a love for her,as well.What really drew me in was the way I would put her to sleep at night by talking in my cutesy-sleepy voice.It was just sooo adoreable.She would call me when she woke up and make sure I got up in time to go to work.She kept me in line,knowing that I was prone to being a troublemaker.We even started using cute nicknames for eachother.She called me her "snowpea",and I called her my "muffinpie",or "kitten",or even my "wigglytoes".She had me feeling emotions that I havent felt in a long ass time.So,I decided to kinda drop the hint...that I was beginning to fall in love with her.How could I not?She was such a beautifully special girl to me,and she made me feel all warm and fuzzy inside my heart.

So,after all these months that we knew eachother,and all we've shared between eachother...I decided to tell her how I truly felt about her.And to be totally honest,the way I saw it was like-ALL the cutesy sweet names she calls me,calling me "snowpea",or when she would speak to me she would use the term "my dear"...I figured telling her how I felt would solidify everything that was between us.And the way I saw it,there was A LOT of good shit that we shared.So I wanted to make it official...I wanted her to be my baby...my special girl....my love.But holy shit was I wrong in thinking and doing so.

I'll never forget that night that I told her how I felt towards her.I'll never forget what she said to me,either...cuz it upset me,and made me feel like a complete fucking idiot for now putting my emotions out there like I so stupidly did against my better judgement.It happened one night when we were talking,and I just mentioned to her in passing that I really liked her,and I was feeling a certain way towards her.Now Ive always been a bit standoff-ish when it comes to talking about how I feel...cuz people always try to either use it against you,or try to capitalize on it and use your feelings to their advantage.So Im usually hesitant with all that.Can you blame me,though?No..I didnt think so.Anyway...We were talking about feelings and all that,and I-being caught up in the whole conversation-happened to drop a hint about how I really felt about her.Y'see..we both knew that we liked eachother,but we never spoke on the matter.It almost seemed pontless because we BOTH knew that we had feelings for eachother,yknow what I mean?So dropping a hint that one of us felt a bit more than we were usually used to experiencing,it was something that wouldnt be forgotten until it was heard.So,naturally,she asked me to tell her what I meant by what I said.I didnt want to...not because I didnt want to tell her.But because I felt stupid for letting it slip out like I did.It was really careless of me.So we kept going back and forth with eachother...her asking me to tell her,and me refusing to tell her.It went on for about 15 minutes.Then she did something I'll never forgive her for...she started asking me all super-sweet and saying "pleeeeeeease,snowpea.Pleeease tell me".As all guys know,its not fair when women use that "sweetness" tactic on us.We technically see it as cheating.Anyway,I finally gave in to her sweetness and her pleading with me to tell her,and I said to her..."I'm beginning to fall in love with you".She didnt answer me right away,but when she did,she said..."Oh...well,thats a slippery slope".

I was so embarassed after telling her that,and all she said was "thats a slippery slope" in return!!Are you serious?!I told her it was fucked up of her to plead with me to get me to tell her something that I didnt really wanna tell her.And then after I tell her,she then tells me some shit like that!!I said its not a good thing to play with peoples emotions and have them think you feel a certain type of way towards them,when you really dont.She said she wasnt playing with my emotions.But I told her if she calls me all sorts of sweet names,especially calling me "dear,and babe"...thats playing with emotions.I told her Ive never met friends who refer to eachother in such a way.And she told me that friends ALWAYS talk to eachother using such sweet names,like-"sweetheart,baby,dear"..and so on.Ive never heard of that before,but obviously,I must be a fuckin idiot..yknow?

Ever since that night,whenever she uses such names for me,I always pull her up on it,saying-"Im not your baby",or "please dont 'hun' me".It totally aggrivates her,I know.But she has to understand where I'M coming from.She doesnt love me,not like I love HER.Using names like that just isnt cool,yknow?She always tries to tell me that she DOES have feelings for me.And I always answer her with-"feelings you have towards a friend,but nothing more".She always disagrees with me,but I KNOW Im right.What Ive come to realize is she's just an attention whore.Thats all.She HAS to have attention from everyone,or it drives her crazy if she doesnt have.Another thing is,all she knows is 'confrontational relationships'.The only way she's truly happy is if she's arguing about something completely pointless,or going back and forth over something totally stupid.All she wants to do is to be right...all the time.Its really frustrating to me.

I still associate with her,and she still tried to call me sweet,cutesy names.But now I just ignore them,and say nothing in return.She toyed with my emotions,and played with my heart,making me believe that we would actually be together,when she knew we wouldnt.I cant be with someone like that.Besides,she's too self-centered for me.Im not saying I dont think about myself,because I do.But if Im spending time with someone,and getting close with them,I put THEM first above everything else.But I guess thats just me.

Thats about it for me.I dont open myself up emotionally with people as much as I used to.Its too risky.And the way I see it is like this...If someone truly cares about me,they'll understand completely and try to help me,instead of hindering me.Im hoping that I'll meet me a really special girl who'll help me forget about the girl I just wrote about...and who'll help me learn to be more open with my feelings.But until that day comes..my emotional walls will be up,and my emotional armor will be on