Nferia's blog: "What its like to have AS"

http://aspergers.ca/syndrome/WhatisAS.html have you ever just massively screwed up a friendship? Maybe.. personal problems get int he way.. or maybe something is going on and you just don't know what? RECENTLY, I was diagnosed with Asperger's Disease. Now this is NOT a "disease". It's an Autistic Spectrum Disorder. Simply put, it's a social disorder. Causes the person (namely me), to react inappropriately, in public situations. Through no control of my own. Slight twitches, noises, "acting out", speaking out of term, fidgeting, AS WELL AS, paranoia, low self confidence, low self esteem, panic disorders, amongst a TON of other things.... This makes it impossible (nearly) to keep friends.. I laugh at the silliest things, things that ppl should NOT laugh about.. but, I do. I get angry, rather easily. I just to conclusions, I am constantly asking if I have done something to upset someone. I may even act indifferently.. like.. as though something DOESN'T bother me.. when in fact, it actually does. ALSO, I tend to push ppl.. Away, forward, back.. whatever... And I positively HATE when ppl tell me that I will never push THEM away.. because, it's like they are issuing me a challenge.. Now, I am not stupid I know these ppl are just trying to help but, seriously, you don't say things like that to someone with AS. It's another part of our brains that tries to take over... Well, in this past two years, while awaiting diagnoses, I have been through hell. Surgery, loss of friends and family (mortally), loss of friends that could not handle whatever was going on in my head. Couldn't handle my frequent mood swings. Telling me things like, "most of the time, your a really great person, and I LOVE that person but, whoever you are when you "flip" (pertaining to moody swings), I hate this person, I don't want to be around you anymore". OR, and you have to LOVE these ppl (sarcasm, what a B***H), you know the type.. One day, they are your friends, and your planning HUGE events, and the next.. or even within hours, they turn their backs on you, and your left trying to figure out why, what did you do, how can you fix it, is there something you did wrong, and forcing you to look, and then forcing you to "walk away"... Now, imagine, how hard that is for "YOU", to handle???? Can you imagine, just an ounce of how hard it is for someone (me), with AS, to handle this? It's near to impossible, and it leaves lasting effects, that make it very hard to trust that the next person, is not going to hurt us again. And then that hurt, drools, into the next relationships. And yet, even in those relationships, your still wondering, wtF happened in the past, so you do not repeat it.???? And yet... you know your going to... It just comes down to if the person that you (me), are with if they can understand how hard it is for us to handle. There... thats another thing.. I am fully aware I make mistakes, I do not think I am innocent.. If I have done something to hurt someone, TELL ME! Don't hold it over my head, and hope that I will see it.... because, honestly? I WON'T! Awareness in this illness, is not my forte. Look, I can tell you.. I am honest, or rather, as much as I can be..(no one is 100%). The ppl I am closest to know all they ever wanted to know about me. I am friendly, all be it more then I should be in cases. I am an open book, ask me anything, and most of the time I will answer. I have massive mood swings, and I get sad ALOT, (since on top of all this I also have depression.) I communicate as much as I can, so much that if we are fighting.. or I sense something wrong, I will nit pick til you tell me... (lol, ask Hunter.. or.. Gordraith) They know me.. I have a hair trigger temper.. but, I can be loving, and friendly, and helpful.. I am an artist.. I love music. Animals. The sound of water, on the beach, as the tide is coming in. If I were to get stuck on an island, I would only need a small amount of food, and a good book.. Or, maybe one other thing, a person, to live out life with.. Other then that I would be happy. Don't be afraid to start a chat with me.. it may take a bit for me to "warm up", but, I will. If you have any questions, read the link, and then ASK ME. I'm friendly enough... And I am so sorry, in advance, if I have done, or will do anything to hurt anyone. (MH)