Sunflowah's blog: "Well, this is awkward."

My life, as of today, has yet hit an even lower point than ever.

I always play the martyer and feel sorry for myself, I always believe that Im a victim to this so called "life" I admit it, I can be negative, short tempered, and i suffer from Dysthymic disorder.

Basically, my outlook on life is Shit. Complete shit, and not just, "oh, im waiting for prince charming to come save me" sort of shit, Its, There is, nor will ever be a prince charming, in or around my life. There will never be the opportunity for me to connect with that one person that will truly understand what it is to be me, To be inside my head, to relentlessly suffer depression on a daily basis, to feel sorry for myself, even when i know it makes me look like an ass.

I get it, Why cant I just change my life for the better, Why cant i just have a postive outlook?

Do you think if i knew that, id be all up on this shit right now, firing off my piss party?

I self sabbotage, I destroy things that are good for me, and pull things in that will rip me apart, I allow people to enter my life without my consent, and leave their garbage on my door way, I constantly am struggling with anxiety and worry that something bad is going to happen, and I wont be able to control it.

I cant let things go.

I look for other people to make me happy instead of creating happiness myself.

I am completely aware of all of this, but cannot fix it. I cannot motivate myself to wake up in a good mood. To not get short with the sales clerk. and i sure as hell cant make any medication work.

Could we say "my imbalance", if, thats what we should call it, Is just part of my personality?

Could we say I am doomed in negative though, and struggle to barely survive a normal life, when given oppertunities that others havent, when i have supportive parents, and a family and unit of people that care, I have a roof over my head, most times, food in my stomach, but I still wake up every day as if I am the most worthless woman in exsistance,

I hate people like me, the people that want pity, and elaborate negatives in their favor.

I hate people that are blessed but complain. so yes. ME.

I guess my familiarity with blogging is limited, I infact, have never posted a blog. So, Here today will be I guess, my first offical blog.

Today I recieved another letter from a dear friend of mine whom is currently in lock up.

His name is Kess, I have known him near my entire life. He is one whom I consider my Boys.

I've always been used to losing friends to jail, short stints, you know basic possetion, dwi, probation violations, ect.

But today, Kess informed me, he was denied acceptance into a "boot camp" of sorts that would help rehabilitate and reduce time to his scentance.

His sentance is three years.

And for what? A probation violation, a warrant, and a few priors?

My best friend is going to prision for three years. . . My best friend will be relocated to facility that is 4 hours away.

And you know what? 

I couldnt be more happy.

He was a man I no longer knew.