CantSleepClownsWillEatMe's blog: "Broken"

This may not make sense to many of you, but I just have to vent somewhere to get this off my chest before I explode!!

January 01, 2010
Quote of the Day
"Man can only become what he is able to consciously imagine."
- Dane Rudhyar

Yanno, I kind of agree with this. Looking back on where I have been and where I am now, and where my mind sits consciously there is such a big change. For instance, I thought everything would be starting to get better for me when I started seeing Kerri for counseling. Got to see her twice before she had to close the case because once again they don't take the medical. What the hell am I suppose to do? I need serious help on counseling and cant seem to get anywhere, so my mind keeps telling me that I will never be able to amount to much, and sadly that is how I feel.
There are many initiatives that I have to take since it's the beginning of the new year. I am going to call a lawyer that specializes in disability and find out what steps I have to take. I have already seen my caseworker at dshs and hopefully she will be checking on the GAX so I can get a start on the disability. That grant would make things so much easier, I know especially pertaining to housing.
I have been meaning to write for the past month, but my mind has been a huge blur. Still going to physical therapy 3xs a week and hopefully will find another counseling outlet. I know I need something immediately, I feel myself sinking back into myself if that makes any sense I don't know, but I do know its how I feel.
I hate dealing with this damn constant pain. I am getting so sick of it. Always Waking up feeling like I am 90 and always having some type of pain going on. Yesterday, we went to 2 stores and walked around; by the time I got home I was hurting badly. I do not want to be one of those people that have to use one of those electric carts, grrrrrr!!!
Just for today I wish I could accept myself for who I am. Not who I want to be.
I hate the fact that when I do feel like writing, I am always told that the computer room is going to be locked up, so that really makes me not want to write. I get in these writing modes and then boom. I know I feel like I am being a huge complainer, but hey what can I say? I certainly can not deny the way I feel about things.
Life at the house seems to be constantly changing as well. I don't know if it is just me but I feel little quirks on certain things. I feel that it is best that I keep my mouth shut and mind my own business though, even if its bothering me. I am not used to such drastic changes all the time and it hits the anxiety levels quite high. I like the structure here, and love the people but it is hard. I keep finding myself wanting to isolate even more and more. Fucked up thing, I can't. I am thankful for Anjala being here and having someone to escape with occasionally. I do believe out of all the woman here she is a true friend. I mean I know everyone is decent, but I am just thinking about the people that I will continue to be in touch with once I move out of Miryam's.
I invited my sister to dinner Wednesday night, I am really wanting my family to see what I experience here at the house. Perhaps one day they will have better understanding of who I am rather then what they perceive out of me. I am kind of nervous though, because for once I am *cooking* and not using the crockpot. I will be making baked spaghetti for the first time in my life. I hope everyone likes cheese because I will be definitely drowning it in cheese. I am not sure what vegetable I am going to do yet, will have to look downstairs and see what is available, but I will be doing garlic bread. I was thinking of doing a garlic parmesan spread on the bread, but not sure yet.
Right at this moment my mind is racing everywhere. I can't seem to stay steady on one thought, it seems like it would rather be everywhere all the time. I hate that. I also hate the fact that I forget things really easily. For instance, I will be thinking of a word, it can be right at the tip of my tongue, and then boom, its gone. I frigging am hating that.
Right now I am feeling so frustrated about so many different things at the house as well; for instance, Yvonne being here. I keep asking myself is Sherri paying extra for food and stuff? Just seems we are running out of stuff a little quicker then we usually do. Also as far as the computer, my daughter isn't allowed on them, why is she? She also tends to come up here and sit there waiting for a computer, then gets huffy when she leaves. Blah! I know and I understand that they move out on Feb 1st, so I don't know why I feel so irritated, I just do.
I swear one would think that I was pms'ing if I still had that issue, but I don't so I don't know what's going on with me and damn it I want counseling to find out ƒ¼ I would write about so many other things that are going on in my head, but I think that I have said enough, perhaps if they don't clear themselves up I will write about them next time.