iLLSpecimen's blog: "Venting.... Like woa."

1.) change begging bums: is there any kind of screening process that you put your targets through? How has the withering economy changed your take of the tail end of our hourly earnings? Have you changed your diet from the morning diarrhea on rye sammich and 22oz. 211 steel reserve? Should i consider getting myself a set of fucked up clothes and practice my puppy dog eyes peering through a shaggy beard and toothless grin? I know that there really are people out there with serious problems and the results have landed them on the unforgiving streets of the city....this is not my complaint. My complaint is that there are places that will hire a strong hand for bullshit jobs so you can buy your own damn can of shitty beer and loaf of bread to make a sammich out of whatever it is you find most appealing out of the dumpster. Stop asking me. I hate it. For those of you creative enough to make a cute little cardboard sign stating your basic needs for the day and what you're willing to do for those needs, a most sincere and compassionate "fuck you" goes out to you, coasting on wings made of the sturdiest cardboard, and powered by a motor that runs on only the coldest of shitty beers. Stop being an asshole. If you have enough money to afford a marker and make a sign to annoy people with, you had enough money to get your ass on a bus and hit a labor ready center. Boasting your little sign in various intersections, strategically placed at a stop light that runs extra long! bastards. How do you think your colleagues feel when they see you have a sign???? pricks.

2.)the faux flatus: I'm sure i am not entirely alone on this. If you fail to identify then it's simply because you're afraid to acknowledge. I'm ok with you being a bitch....its cool.
Church pews and dinner chairs alike have produced this wonderfully comical, yet frustrating phenomena. The dormant rouge chair squeak or "tone" if you will, will only appear at your most focused moment. Giving the other party the impression that you have just ass burped at a dinner table or in church. By focused i mean, all eyes on you, and the conversation appears to have stopped all at once to intensify the acoustics of the "tone". As if it had a cue to come out and be part of the festivities. That squeak could have been waiting to be released for as long as the chair has been around. As if it were William Wallace giving out its last "freeeeedom" cry. Now i fuckin DARE you to try and appease the increasingly humiliating moment by recreating such a noise from the chair. That fuckin chair will remain silent until its last ass has plopped on it. So it goes.....you are now in the proud moment of a dinner fart. The church pew on the other hand, produces a different "tone" altogether. More of a falsetto note, not to say that the pew is any comparison to Susan Boyle, the simple fact remains that its in church....a place built to amplify sounds and praise towards Big daddy, junior, and spook. Who appear to suffer from hearing loss. Buck up, if it was a healthy noise from the chair/pew, then claim that shit with a smile. Be proud of something you didn't create. People do it everyday.

3.)chain text messages involving X amount of years in bad luck should it not be sent to X amount of people in X amount of time: FUCK you.....dont send me that shit. I dont care about amber alerts either....that shit is all bogus. At what point in your feeble mind has it ever seemed as though a real streak of bad luck will inhabit your already shitty luck if you dont forward a text message to X amount of people who could equally care less?????? I have to do all i can to keep from going on a god damn killing spree when i get these tidbits of tardo on my fucking phone. Visions of cutting the Achilles tendons and baby Jessica'n that stupid ass down a well plague me as i delete each one. For those that commit such an offense, attach a picture of your tits. At least make it worth my extremely precious time. Last time i checked, violent mythical creatures with an appetite for destruction and wave of bad luck left in their wake, were never kept at bay by forwarding stupidity via text message. If anyone has a different outlook on this and thinks that their lives have been saved by text messages such as this...please do me a favor and maim your genitals beyond recognition with a red hot coat hanger so i never have to worry about your children interacting with my own someday. i hate your fucking faces

Dear Alcohol,

First and foremost, let me tell you that I'm a huge fan of yours.
As my friend, you always seem to be there when needed. The perfect post-work cocktail, a beer at the game, and you're even around the holidays, hidden inside chocolates as you warm us when we're stuck in the midst of endless family gatherings. However, lately I've been wondering about your intentions. While I want to believe that you have my best interests at heart, I feel that your influence has led to some unwise consequences:

1. Phone calls: While I agree with you that communication
is important, I question the suggestion that any conversation of substance or necessity takes place after 2 a.m . Why would you make me call those ex-boyfriends/girlfriends when I know for a fact they do not want to hear from me during the day, let alone all hours of the night?

2. Eating: Now, you know I love a good meal, but why do you
suggest that I eat a taco with chili sauce, along with a big Italian meatball and some stale chips (washed down with wine and topped off with a Kit Kat after a few cheese curls and chili cheese fries)? I'm an eclectic eater, but I think you went too far this time.

3. Clumsiness: Unless you're subtly trying to tell me that I
need to do more yoga to improve my balance, I see NO need to hammer the issue home by causing me to fall down. It's completely unnecessary, and the black and blue marks that appear on my body mysteriously the next day are beyond me. Similarly, it should never take me more than 45 seconds to get the front door key into the lock.

4. Furthermore: The hangovers have GOT to stop. This is
getting ridiculous. I know a little penance for our previous evening's debauchery may be in order, but the 3 p.m. hangover immobility is completely unacceptable. My entire day is shot. I ask that, if the proper precautions are taken (water, vitamin b, bread products, aspirin) prior to going to sleep/passing out face down on the kitchen floor with a bag of popcorn, the hangover should be minimal and in no way interfere with my daily activities.

Alcohol, I have enjoyed our friendship for some years now and would like to ensure that we remain on good terms. You've been the invoker of great stories, the provocation for much laughter, and the needed companion when I just don't know what to do with the extra money in my pockets. In order to continue this friendship, I ask that you carefully review my grievances above and address them immediately. I will look for an answer no later then Wednesday 3p.m. (pre-happy hour) on your possible solutions and hopefully we can continue this fruitful partnership.

Thank you,
Your Biggest Fan

P.S. Things that are difficult to say when drunk:
1. Innovative
2. Preliminary
3. Proliferation
4. Cinnamon

Things that are very difficult to say when drunk:
1. Specifically
2. British Constitution
3. Passive-aggressive disorder

Things that are downright impossible to say when drunk:
1. Thanks, but I don't want to have sex.
2. Nope, no more beer for me.
3. Sorry, but you're really not my type.
4. Good evening, officer. Isn't it lovely out tonight?
5. Oh, I couldn't. No one wants to hear me sing

As alot of you might know, i have the habit of ranting about horrible things i see day to day and cannot explain.... heres a little change of pace.
Things I like:
1.)I like bacon....pretty much on anything...
2.) sitting at home under a blanket on cold shitty days such as this one.
3.) When people acknowledge that you are reading a book and keep their fucking lips shut.
4.) cigarettes....one in the morning, after food of any kind, during prolonged bathroom breaks, while in the company of whiny ass non-smokers, after sex....tho I dont know what thats like, since im still a virgin, and when i'm drinking a beer.
5.) Tylenol PM.....i love them with almost every fiber of my being.
6.) Spanker new socks.....i was an odd child....i wanted socks on Christmas.
7.) movies that involve any underdog character coming back and whippin ass.
8.) Hearing from old friends....it's always a treat to hear you are doing well.
9.) When bums argue over change begging territory.....it is truly a sight to be seen.
10.) Long bus rides with a fully charged iPod.
11.) Head. period.
12.) 90 degree weather......and really bad thunder storms. The idea of peril falling from the sky intrigues me beyond belief.....the only way i would be more pleased, is if it rained loaded hand guns.
13.) Sarcasm. It happens to be one of the only reasons i roll out of bed in the morning.
14.) Bewbies.
15.) Coloring books.....there is some kind of healing properties about coloring books that i cant quite explain.
16.) Telling the aforementioned Bums to fuck off when they ask me for change.
17.) Someone who knows how to cuddle......
18.) watching people falling.....I dont care if they get hurt or not. That shits funny.
19.) did i mention i like to watch people falling? off of roofs, down stairs, on skates, off of barstools, out of moving cars, off of ladders, out of trees, and even just walking down the street. Hilarious shit. If i win the lotto....im gonna pay a team of people to go to roller skating rinks and just trip people so i can sit back and watch. Fat people are twice as funny when they fall tho. Just sayin....
20.) Girls that dont have to wear insane amounts of make-up.
21.) bartending.....oh how i miss the wheeling and dealing of drinks
22.) Talking to myself when im in public.
23.) Tattoos. I hate the word "tattz"....if you use it around me I will probably not talk to you.
24.) Porn. I dont feel that i need to explain why....if you dont understand, then i would suggest you go back to school and learn a few things.
25.) I love when a woman wears those "boy shorts"....mysteriously makes my pants seem much smaller than they are.
26.) annnnnd lastly, when a woman gets out of the shower after washing her hair and its still kinda damp....gets in bed and throws her hair over my face.....dont ask why....the shit puts me to bed faster than Tylenol PM.
Hopefully you folks can at least appreciate some of the things i mentioned. If not, i hope you get fat and fall off of something.

The average mind will answer this question in their feeble cells as "he's bladder shy".... congrats!! You have just identified the design flaw in urinals in a simple statement. As most men are bladder shy, including myself, depending on how many I've consumed in a particular evening, the design is all fucked up period.

No matter the size of the divider between urinals, you always feel as tho you should be exchanging personal information as done in a fender bender. "Should we call the cops to evaluate damage?" "No, I'm afraid not. It was just your penis on my wrist due to the confinement of our relief stations." "Though it would be grand of you to grab a paper towel and get the bit of dribble you shook onto my chucks."
Too close for comfort doesn't begin to describe much of this situation if any at all.... to add insult to claustorphobic injury, we have THEE closed quarters "random bits of conversation".

"Hey man, did you see that chick with the boob shirt on???? god damn!! she got me goin!!" "Really? You don't say?" (wish he hadn't) So now this gentleman is discussing his turn ons with me, in close prox....while holding his better fraction. Not only am I still trying to pep talk the dark side of the urinary force out of me at this point, but i'm growing pretty damn intolerant. If I only had a cartoon word bubble above my head right about now. It would've have read only in symbol anyhow which would've gone over horribly with drunken urinal company. conversation continues.. onto more shit i couldn't care less about, sports, weather, the band playing, basically anything vocalized by anyone. Get the fuck away from me and let me drain it dude.

SOME...not all may have encountered this... AND ALL MEN have THIS... the mid piss flatus. Where all productivity as far as taking a piss goes STOPS and the urgent message from below interrupts. Try this shit whilst standing next to me at a urinal and I will brain your fuckin ass. At no point is it acceptable to push a warm blanket of air directly onto your urinal neighbor. Fuck all if i signed up for recycled lunch sniffage while IM at a bar tryin to buy my way into the chick with the "boob shirts" underoos, drink after drink. We smoke outside now... you can also drop your ass tones out there as well.

Not that this is by any means an "excuse" to do so.... but this may be the reason why some men don't wash their hands before leaving the room. Ask him if it was an odd urinal neighbor rather than assuming he's a dirtball.

I guess its about that time... once again. You fuckin people out there have outdone yourselves in some shiny new effort to piss me off. 

1.) Lady with a half pint of perfume on JUST to go to the grocery store. Bitch... No one in a grocery store standing in line to check out, ever wants to fuckin deal with the gaggle of bees and mosquitoes that lurk around you. Knock it off. A subtle fragrance goes a long way... just in case you have OCD and cant help but pump the bottle an odd or even number of times before setting it down, start off with a dryer sheet, just rub it around the neck and go from there. Step two, is shedding the frumpy trailor park queen Moo moo you got out of the blair catalog last spring. Get a clue. 

2.)You whiny ass Non-smokers. I smoke. Fuck you. I can no longer smoke indoors cause of all of your tears and letters written, so now I'm forced to do it outside, 110 degree heat index or 4 foot of snow. So when I'm standing outside of a bar and you walk in and give me the look of disgust and that soggy cough, just remember, I'm only a few remarks away from sparta kickin one of you across a parking lot and into "cleaner" air. If you're soo concerned with secondary smoke, get a fuckin tent, and head for the woods motherfucker, cause the last time i checked.... cars and semis didnt spew candy covered rainbows and big rays of sunshine. If you put half the effort into "project green" or whatever it is hippies are into these days, that you put into disturbing tax paying smokers, we'd be living in a tofu fan's fantasy bio-dome by now. 

3.)Needy ass attention hounds... You fuckin people make me sick. Who ever signed the contract to make it "ok" for you to complain about life's little twists and turns every chance you get via Facebook, Myspace, Twitter or out in public should be trounced to death by a stampede of heavy women on the way to the newest buffets grand opening. Life has trials. If you haven't noticed that by now, then I suggest you head on down to 17th and Nicholas and take a gander at some of those people who don't know where their next meal is coming from. Report back to your favorite social networking site immediately and post some witty quip on your status about THAT shit. A bad hair day is no reason to dumb down the rest of your friends list, posting pictures of how "gnarly" your morning locks are situated that particular morning. If you wake up and there is a fuckin rodent stuck in your quaff, I think thats picture and status worthy. Save the rest of the shit for bad afternoon television, I hear Tyra has an opening on her show.

4.)Socks + sandals = Fuckbag. Might I suggest you maim yourself in and about the genital region so you don't procreate, heaven forbid I have children some day and they ever have to interact with your offspring. 

P.S. I'm serious about the rodent in the hair thing.... if it happens to you, I wanna see.