This is Johnna, Me, Where is everyone? Seems like everybody forgot about me. Left me standing here alone! HELP ME! I am screaming out for help, Someone just anybody, help me! I'm in trouble now. I don't know what to do. I'm hurting, my heart is broken. Where's the person or machine to fix and help things for me? I have always been there for my friends or even my so-called friends. I have always listened when they talked. I always try to help them. Took time out of my day even if I didn't have the time really, I made it. Even if I wasn't in the mood to fool with anyone or anything. I'm people strong backbone. But it helps me and makes me happy that I can put a smile on someone's face. Or that they come to me when they have questions and I have answers, or just to talk to them or just listen to them, even when maybe I need to talk and someone keep quiet and really pay attention and listen to me. I am happy that I could be the strong one. I will always be whoever's strong backbone, arms, heart, ears, and tongue. No matter who it is and how dirty they done or do me. Cause the way I see it is I know how it feels to have nothing or noone. But my bones are cracking. The weight is getting heavy and my arms are getting weak. But my question is who's mine? I can't always be the strong one. The truth is I am getting very weak. I try not to say or show it. Its all gonna happen at once. So that's why I'm asking for help now. I need a strong backbone, a left and right strong arm. Now that I have a problem, and I am hurting it seems like theres noone around. When I think just maybe they're someone I'm wrong and they usually make things worse instead of helping. The only thing I ever ask is to be happy, loved and someone standing beside me helping me trough the hard days and nights. I don't need anyone in front of me so the can think their better then me and judge me cause their ahead of me. I need anyone behide me, watching every move I make. And acted me when I lease expect it. I don't want anyone to judge me for anything. Its been 2 years ago, I was really lost in so much pain and I cried to people. They didn't know what to say. The only thing they could say is Johnna turn to God, Put your faith into him. Give him your problems, He will take everything away. At that minute I thought they were stupid. That wasn't want I wanted to hear. I thought to myself instead of them talkin to me about God, why couldn't they just take me in their arms and hold me and tell me everything is goin to be ok? But no they just told me to do something that I really didn't know how to do, or talk someone that I didn't know how to talk to. I felt like I always do I just walked away cussing those people and saying screw it all! Went on and tried to forget about all of it. I soon figured out there somethings you can't forget about. So there I was sitting at home in my bedroom like always. I had it in my head that if I locked myself in my room noone or nothing could hurt me they had no reason to. Right? But then one day I was laying in bed crying about things that happened. Feeling sorry for myself. Not even trying to do anything for myself to make things better. Months go by I don't even notice life anymore. Days turn to nights and they all seems so fuzzy to me like theres no reason for life or living. But then one day while I was laying there the phone rung, not wanting to answer it why answer it? It just was goin to be someone wanting to complain or tell me some more bad news or yell at me. But then something told me to answer it. So I did and it was a true friend and he ask me to go to church with him. I started laughing and saying yea right that place isn't for me, I don't need to go there. But this person didn't think that at all and he told me it would help me and he begged until I gave in. I went that night. Then I remembered what people once said to me I was goin to turn to God, but how do I do that how do I talk to someone like that what was I goin to say. Before I knew it my eyes were closed and I was praying the best way I knew how, I was praying to the Lord. I left that night feeling the same as always knowing though someone maybe did listen to me this time. But I thought that I prayed for stupid things. I didn't think anymore about it. Days went by. Still I was heart broken still in pain and hurting. Well this one night I couldn't sleep I stayed up crying all night and talking to God saying things that I didn't know why I was sayin them for, but just how I felt is what came out. I didn't stop and think what I was goin to say next or even if it sounded right. I knew he understood even if noone else did. I found myself the next day not feeling to good sick at my stomach, but yet still kind different happy maybe? I was still sad but things seemed weird. Well I on about my business and the phone rings and what the person on the other line tells me was one thing I prayed for that night before. One down 100 to go I thought to myself. Then I find myself in a car talking to this same person that was on the phone an hour earlier. I seen that God did listen and helped me. He even gave me more then what I ask for. As I lay in this person bed and his arms around me while he sleeps. I lay there staring up at the cellen thinking why now not sooner? I ask for this how many months ago? It all hit me all the times I thought I was praying to God I really want I was trying to make deals with him and promises that I knew and so did he that I couldn't keep. When I would lay to sleep and wake up thr next couple of days, I wonder is I really was there for a reason and this worried me. I had no clue why I was there, even if I really belonged there or if I was really wanted there. So I made myself stop caring about every little thing. Still yet for some reason everyday something would hurt me and nothing seem to go my way. I didn't know who to turn to and talk to I was scared to. If I talked what if they thought I was stupid. Heck they would just walk away and leave this like all the others. So I turned to something that I knew would never leave something that made me happy and feel good something that wouldn't talk back and say something that I didn't want to hear. Then one night I was in so much pain I was up for four days and nights. Cut off I just wanted that needle I kept saying it helps me. It wasn't there I tried to sleep but it was everything it haunted me. It was like it had a mind of its own. I was afraid I was dyeing I felt so funny like a way I never felt before. I didn't want to die. There was noone but at the same time there was so many people around me in the same room even. I just pushed then all away cause I don't know how to ask for help, or what to say. Well I got to bed. Then one night me and some other people was sitting around getting high, and staying up all night. Taking turns getting messed up. Well I was last in line and finally my turn came around, I couldn't wait make it a big one, make it a head ringer, I kept saying. I could tell they didn't want to but they did. As the needle went into my arm I kept thinking heck yea!!!! As he pushes the coke into my vanes slowly little at a time. I was like heck with this it's a waste, you messed. But then all at once everything went black I could hear nothing but a loud buzzing sound and I could feel my chest getting tight and my heart going slow then fast. Then I finally got out in a low voice I can't breath. What do I do and I feel back on the bed I got so scared and so did they. You would think that if you got that scared and that stuff happened to you. You would want to stop. Its weird but at the same time I loved that feeling! Than all at once I could see again and this person was standing over top of me saying in and out are you ok? I set up on the bed with my hands in the air saying hell yea I feel great, better then ever, I love it, give me another. Right then and there I knew I was hooked. The needle and the damage done. Days went by and I forgot about everything and everyone, my mommy, my daddy and even my bubby, and friends. The only thing I cared about was the needle and the buzz. Then when I got this great hit, I said it would be my last. But after I said it, that one just couldn't be. The reason was I only let one person do it for me and that one wasn't by him. Cause right before it was my turn he gave hisself a hit and it done him good and there was no way that he was able to do me. I didn't want to wait on him I wanted mine. So I let someone else. So I said that the one that did my first would be the one to do my last. The next couple of days we didn't have anything so we all got some sleep. Until it came and when it did dang. I'm sitting on the bed and I got a real good hit. Boy was I high and everyone knew it. But then my strong backbone my strong arms that I have been asking for and wondering were they were at came to me takes me by the hand and I look away and say I'm not high and started laughing. Then he takes my face and makes me look at him. And for once I really looked into those eyes of pain, regret, hurt. But still yet they were so true he look back at me and right into my eyes and then he says Johnna you don't love me, I kept looking into his eyes with tears running down my face but I could not speak. Those eyes still looking at me he tells me everything that I needed to hear. It was all the truth. He told me " I was better then this life, that he loves me, that I was addicted, and he was going to get me off the needle before it was to late, and I ended up like him"! Then it all came to me I was sent there for a reason. We were there to help each other, be each other strong backbone and strong arms. But what if it was to late. This man sitting infront of me almost died in my arms over what we was doing all those days. I would sit there while he put that needle in his arm and the tears rolled down my face. I felt pain everytime he did that. But I gave in I just gave up! Now that I'm gone from there. I don't know what to do. I need the drugs I want them. They are apart of me. People yell at me and say things that hurts. Cause they say they want me to stop. Well then love me be my strong for me stand beside me holding my hand until I am strong enough again to do it on my own. Help me stop pushing me to the drugs. I can't live life like this anymore. I just want to run and never look back at this life style. Only if it was that easy. I just can't figure out how you can love something so much but hate it even more. I am one of the lucky ones!!! I got away from it all. To this day it still isn't easy. I haven't touch the needle in over 2 years. I'm not saying there hasn't or wasn't been time that I wanted it and times that I have done others. But I will never get that bad again. I didn't think I could turn away from it if someone ask me if I wanted any. I didn't think I could do it. But one day when I was about to get high once again my phone rung. I didn't want to answer it I just wanted my buzz. But I did answer it cause I didn't know the number. But I did know the voice on the other line. Here are the words I heard." Thank you Johnna, I don't know what I would have done without you, Thank you its been 2 months since I have had anything and the only thing that keeps me away from it is that night when you where in my room and you where packing your things to leave. After I told you that it wasn't to late and when you where done packing and walking out my door I was making a fix. You stopped and turn around with tears rolling down your face you said, you know its not to late for you either. This isn't what you need and you can get out also and I will always be here to help you. You have your strong backbone you told me. And you told me that I was wrong earlier that you do love me. The kind of love that will never fade and that will always be there when you need it most. Then Johnna you where gone like an angle. You left, and I wont lie I did that one last fix that night but I missed. Thank you Johnna and I know you love me. And I love you to the kind of love that will never fade that will always be there when u need it most. and then he hung up and he was gone like an angle like my angle. I haven't talk to him in a long time. But I heard from our friend about 4 months ago that he is clean and he is doin great. I am to I look at the sky when I want the drugs when I feel like I need to get high then I think about those words I love you to the kind of the love that will never fade that will always be here when you need it most!!! Thanks for helping me that's all I ever wanted!!!! You know who you are! And everyone that reads this remember never judge anyone no matter what they are doing or what kind of trouble they are in!!! just be strong for them let them know that you were there for them that you love them no matter what!!!!
This story is a true story about my life almost 3 years ago, and I know prolly a lot of you people that read this is goin think bad of me and some might not ever talk to me. But that was my life and I cant take it back what is done is done and theres no changing the past. But remember my past is what made me a better person to this day!!!!! ONLY GOD CAN JUDGE ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Johnna Higgins
