TiTaNiUm BuTtErFlY's blog: "Twisted and Broken"

Not asleep but not awake...

Your like a transparent scene laying over  my reality..

As I walk through my day randomly

You showing up whenever you feel to.

I feel flush and my heart beats fast,

I feel a weight on my chest.

I cant breath and I sweat,

I loose time even though it passes by in slow motion.

I relive every second........ with you.

I used to fear you and when we would meet again,

When the next time you would show......

But now I have learned my strength and you how no hold on me..

Now its me who has control...

PTSD........ you are my best friend.

I expect you in my dreams, to wake me when I sleep.

I expect me when I'm out in town or walking down the street..

Or just in a store or alone just me....

I expect you to visit,

Unanounced..

What would I do without you......

PTSD your my best friend.

I would have my anxiety without you,

My panic attacks and the stress..

I wouldnt check my doors half as much ...

Or stay at home as often,

Dont forget antisocial....

Your have given me so many gifts and I have learned to cope with you.

I finally learned how to live and at least I'm not a mess.

I can not be ashamed by you I'm not emberassed ...

I can say it out loud.

I dont have to hide you I am who I am even when you are here...

even when you visit.............

I am me...... with PTSD.....

Titanium Butterfly

Can you see me? I am here...  

Where are you? Find me...

One day........................

I am alone.

Am I invisable? You walk right past..

What if I stopped looking? I believe I still have a chance.

One day.........................

I am alone.

I am ok

I am awake to see what my true love comes for me.

I had to pause and take some time..

I couldnt imagine sharing time with anyone as the mess that I was.

I had to fix me.. now...

One day..............

for now ...

I am alone.

I was in the shadows, always hid in the dark 

When I looked in the mirror I didnt like me.

But now watch out, I'm brighter.......

I'm on fire..........

You cant go past and not notice,

Because its written in my smile....

You can see it in my eyes,

You can tell the way I walk,

The things I say when I talk. 

I'll be burning bright, 

This huge desire with my soul on fire,

And one day....................

But for now ..........

I am alone, and I am content..

Because now I live in a me that I love and that's what I need. 

.............. until I meet you.

....................... i am stronger.............

I am, the once was........... co-dependant........

Titanium Butterfly

I use you, and abuse you, and i loved you to much.

For sex, to be happy, to relax, to have a friend............

I always turned to you for everything, 

I told you my fears and my desires,

Yet you left me with nothing............

All those nights I cried for you

In a sad puddle on the floor with no ambition wishing that I would just die.

All the times i asked you to kill me and you never did, 

You never helped me to do it either.

You lied to me with the impression that I would awaken with things new........

But I was always the same crumpled mess.

I gave you years of my life and you gladly took them,

All that I missed because I was looking at you.

Well today i can look back at you and I can say fuck you,

I can say that I havent touched you in over a year,

I dont miss you......... not one bit,

and the hate I have for you only drives me to be better.

I am who I am today be cause I got rid of you and I was glad to see you go.

You amplified everything I hated about myself,

 to the point that I wanted to not exist

but today that is done and so am I with you and it has put me in this amazing place.

Instead of "the cutter" or "unreliable" or "wreckless"

I am stronger and I carry on, I knock you down, and every chance I get I'll kick you in the face.

Stay in your rightful place, on the ground, at my feet...........

Because thinking "I had to drink to have things be ok in my life," ..... You've been beat.

I am stronger............ 

I am, the once was............     alcoholic.

Titanium Butterfly.

It burns in my brain and I feel it through me calling........

I can not let you win, not this way......... what do you want from me?

I bleed for you, paying a cost that I carry forever deep within my skin.

Recorded on my flesh like a calendar of nighmarish memories......

What do you want from me????  

I gave you my soul like a slave and I couldnt  break free, 

your to strong..................  and Im just me....  or so they say.

I'll forever be chained to you because I was bound with your metal around my heart like armor. 

Are they right and will I always fall? 

Can I not run fast enough to escape your taunting my tears?

A mess, a freek, disgusting and sick...  I cant hide what you have done to me..............

At night I dream that I am strong and you no longer win,

I dream that I am the one that has you bound and you live for me as my slave.

I dream that I do what they say I can not and that I wear your scars proudly...............

because with honor I have earned the right to say that I fought this battle and won. 

I own you now..............  Is this just a dream????????

Am I awake, have I made it, was this all true from the start and I did not see............

That the one thing they told me I would never be free from controling me................

Now is the one thing that lays at my feet, lost, I dont need you anymore...............         I am strong....................

I am titanium.................................          !

For I am, the once was................    cutter.

Titanium Butterfly

Earbuds in... music in,  heart pounding but I can do this. I can take on anything. No matter what comes. Another day I'll awake for you....  the weight of the world on my shoulders but I will keep going. Exhausted but just cant quit, knowing that you want me. I will always be here. Believe in me  that is all I need because I am:

Titanium

You shout it out,
But I can't hear a word you say
I'm  talking loud not saying much
I'm criticized but all your bullets  ricochet
You shoot me down, but I get up

[Chorus:]
I'm bulletproof, nothing to lose
Fire away,  fire away
Ricochet, you take your aim
Fire away, fire away
You shoot  me down but I won't fall
I am titanium
You shoot me down but I won't  fall
I am titanium

[Sia:]
Cut me down
But it's you who'll have further to  fall
Ghost town and haunted love
Raise your voice, sticks and stones may  break my bones
I'm talking loud not saying much

[Chorus:]
I'm bulletproof, nothing to lose
Fire away,  fire away
Ricochet, you take your aim
Fire away, fire away
You shoot  me down but I won't fall
I am titanium
You shoot me down but I won't  fall
I am titanium
I am titanium
I am titanium

[Sia:]
Stone-hard, machine gun
Firing at the ones who  run
Stone-hard as bulletproof glass

[Chorus:]
You shoot me down but I won't fall
I am  titanium
You shoot me down but I won't fall
I am titanium
You shoot  me down but I won't fall
I am titanium
You shoot me down but I won't  fall
I am titanium
I am titanium

So, today I ponder over the thoughts of the blessings that I have had in life, the blessings that I HAVE in life. My eyes have changed.. or is it my heart? I see the world through your eyes now. The words and the moments were so much and so special that even if they were cut short I would never have changed them living within my life. I never saw you as a regret, not one moment of time, not one breath, not one word. 

My eyes have changed, or maybe my soul... a small peice of you stayed with me and you dont even know. I carry it around and I remember you often. I remember how when I saw you your eyes would smile, the things you shared with me, the things we planned together. I know that now there is a invisable wall, a veil that separates us and you might not remember. I would gladly remind you of every moment, every laugh or every thought, everything we did together. I would happily bring you back...  I'd guide you to our life I'd give you mine.. but G-d will hold for this time until the day when your path again can cross mine.

If you only knew
I'm hanging by a thread, the web I spin for you
If you only knew
I'd sacrifice my beating heart before I lose you

I still hold onto the letters you returned
I swear I've lived and learned

It's 4:03, and I can't sleep
Without you next to me, I toss and turn like the sea
If I drown tonight, bring me back to life
Breathe your breath in me

The only thing that I still believe in is you
If you only knew

If you only knew how many times I counted
All the words that went wrong
If you only knew how I refuse to let you go
Even when you're gone

I don't regret any days I spent
Nights we shared or letters that I sent

It's 4:03, and I can't sleep
Without you next to me, I toss and turn like the sea
If I drown tonight, bring me back to life
Breathe your breath in me

The only thing that I still believe in is you
If you only knew, if you will only knew

I still hold onto the letters you returned
You helped me live and learn

It's 4:03, and I can't sleep
Without you next to me, I toss and turn like the sea
If I drown tonight, bring me back to life
Breathe your breath in me

The only thing that I still believe in is you
Believe in is you, I still believe in you, oh
If you only knew

Read more: Shinedown - If You Only Knew Lyrics | MetroLyrics 

How do you deal with accepting that things can never be what you wanted or that picture you had in your mind. The day that you come to terms that what you wanted so deeply will just not happen. The let down, the pain, the disappointment. What do you do that helps you get past it??

"Everyone has their own battles and their own fights. Its just about figuring out what you can take on and what will come out of it that makes you happy dealing with the consequences and theories in the world. You have to develop your own path and your own state of mind."

This quote is from someones video, who I fallow closely for some personal reasons and out of admiration.  He also says that you "cant form your life on others because they have already based what they feel about you based on things they cant even be sure about but they're saying they are. "

This has really came to express my life and how it has been for a short while now. There are some people who are going to meet me, and they are going to base their feelings on such things as my tattoos, how I dress, even my attitude. This brings in his point, they don't know my battles or fights or the reasons for why I do or don't do things. I can try my best at what I do, that is where it goes.  He also mentions that the more you doubt yourself the more right that you are, because then you can admit and see where you are wrong. That does not make us weak, in fact it is the opposite and it makes us even stronger due to the fact that it shows us where we are also right.  There have been some pretty deep wounds recently in my life and I would have been knocked down, felt like dying, like my world was crumbling but that was in my past. There has to come a day when you look at yourself and see that you need to be at that point when you can apply these quotes in your life. Am I there? Yes I am. A lot of people believe that once you are damaged or Twisted and Broken that no matter what you will remain that way. NOT true!!!!!   I cant say it more. In every one of us that are "damaged" goods, we maybe scared or even have a couple cracks but we do not eternally stay Twisted and Broken. People come into our lives and some go out of our lives and all for a reason. But when those of them leave a part of you doesn't die, it changes and so do your plans. It is a speed bump not a canyon. So what do I do, sit and cry? Listen to my usual sad songs and feel like I'm screaming inside? NO NOT THIS TIME, in the past yes, now NO! I work harder! They say take it day by day, well sometimes its about minute by minute. And I look at every one of those minutes and I ask... Am I working my ass off at each and every one? I am pushing through when I feel like stopping and I am noticing every detail. Have my plans changed? NOT ONE BIT! I set my goals and I have them in site and I am willing to do the work to reach them. I will be who I want to be and I will be where I want to be. I will make it! I am willing to sacrifice. And watch out when I get there cause there is no stopping me when I arrive!