Apple Pie's blog: "Turning over a new leaf"

Hello... I'm going to tell you the story of how i fucked up the first 5 years of my 20s. I grew up in Florida living with my mom, and about 5 years ago i decided to move to Alabama to live with my dad for a while and see what I could find there... A few months before my 21st birthday i met a guy named Jay, i fell in love with him the second i saw him and had no idea that 11 months later he would turn my world upside down, i never saw it coming. We met in Nov. of 06 quickly fell in love moved in together and were together until he left for the army, we still talked while he was away, but when he got home from basic and ait he was different, but i was still madly in love... apparently he was not, he broke up with me for no real defined reason and for the next 3 years he continued to drag me along, toying with my emotions giving me just enough time to start moving on with my life and then boom, he was back in, but only for just long enough to secure my love and run away again. May of 08 i got arrested for a DUI and would spend the next 6 months with no license, among other punishments i recieved. But in November, the night i got my license back i drove out to a friends i hadnt seen in a while and was introduced to a guy named ben. well, we didnt hit it off right then, but he was apparently very into me and got my number from my friend and text me all night after i left and we set up a group date for that weekend. We hit it off really well, had everything in common and could talk about anything and everything. In the car on the way to town that night, we talked about religion, and politics and everything your not supposed to talk about on a first date, but we still really dug each others company, and we too fell in love very quickly.he was in the air force at the time and i would spend the night with him in the dorms everynight until we decided it would be safer staying at my house since i wasnt really supposed to be there. So we met in November, and were engaged and married before new years. we got our own place and things were going great until he was kicked out of the air force... we knew it was comming, just kinda hoped it wouldnt happen, so by feb. of 09 we were living paycheck to paycheck and i was spiraling deeper and deeper into a deppresion, and instead of talk to my husband, my best friend, i just let it consume me to the point where i basically blamed him for my unhappiness, and thats when the ex came back... and he just said all the right things and just really seemed like he had changed, and i wanted to badly to believe him this time, so i asked my husband for a divorce 7 months after we were married. so now we are in july of 09. Jay is stationed in kuwait and would be coming home for R&R that october, so i waited, then packed my bags and drove back to alabama to welcome him home, things were great, he said all the right things and did all the right things, but the truth is, he has changed, hes more selfish than he used to be or at least maybe i just see that in him now and i never did before. anyway, im jumping ahead... he came hom in october and we visited with his family and spent time together and were engaged oct 18th 09, he was only home for 2 weeks. well, in the mean time since hes been back ive gotten so lost and confused and scared. ben and i have remained friends thru all of this and a couple of weeks ago i lost my head and told jay i couldnt marry him and that i was going back t my husband to work things out... 3 days later i tell ben i cant be with him and end up having to break his heart again... that boy is strong, but i guess thats one of those things we have in common. I leave for Ft. Stewart, GA in a week and these past few weeks have just left me still feeling so lost and confused... ben was everything a girl could ever dream of... a little lazy at times, and not always motivated, but most men are like that. Jay has gotten to the point since he's been over there were he doesnt trust me around other men, i dont say i love you enough or in the right way, i have to drop everything to talk to him and when i dont answer he blows my phone up... hes selfish, possesive, and controling, but i still love him and i tell myself that its just the deployment and that things will get better when he gets home... but what if they dont? what if ive given up everything, to be with someone who doesnt trusth me? im so lost and confused and really not sure whats right anymore...