SupremeHeretic's blog: "Trials Of The Heart"

I stand before the great divide, a seemingly endless canyon that runs for miles. I jump, freefalling for what seems an eternity, not caring if the safety chute I have opens or not.

It's that freefall I've experienced so many times in life, the one that leads to nowhere except into sorrow's waiting arms. The other times I've jumped, the chute hasn't opened, and all I've done is crash into a churning river of heartache and met my demise.

Will the right chute be in my pack this time? Will it open and save me from certain doom? Only time and fate can know.

Even now as I enjoy clarity (see previous entry) and a newfound measure of peace, I find myself having a period of remembrance. I close my eyes and think back to the time of how it felt to know love. Not love of oneself, but the love of another. I remember the slightest touch, a gentle caress, even just a gaze that spoke so many words without any words ever being spoken. The warm feeling interlaced with all of those, that told me I was wanted, needed, craved...loved. I embraced that feeling during the periods of time that I had it, reveling in it, and enjoying each perfect moment as it washed over me and comforted me. I long to meet the stranger again one day that is the indescribable love of another.

I had an amazing moment of clarity last night. I spoke with a dear friend/old flame of mine, and even though harsh and blunt with her words, she assisted me with a glimpse into my past, my present, and my future. Long have I held onto guilt over past love failures whether or not they were my fault per se. I woke up knowing that I need a detox of my heart and soul to wash all that away, and embrace the core of life, such as the joy of just being alive. Here I was, in turmoil because it seemed the devil was laughing at me and I was the butt of a cruel cosmic joke as the train of age sped toward me on a collision course, and I stood alone in it's path frozen and unable to move. I wake today an empowered man, and I feel alive. I have conquered that final fear and I've slain the demons of guilt that helped feed that damned dirty fear of being alone. I am ready to truly live life now. You have to love clarity.

**Disclaimer: In no way does this blog imply wrongdoing or intentional hurt or maliciousness by any of the parties mentioned, rather it describes the heartbreaks due to outside circumstances or timing. The people I love I will always love and do not blame...except for one or two (like Shannon and Jenny) Hello, fu-peeps. Instead of some inspired poetic entry, or great song lyric, or inspiring food for thought, I guess I just need to vent. You know, I'm sure a lot of you have experienced a time or two falling for someone that you just know is your kind of perfect, where they just have that bond and connection with you that you can't deny, and you feel like the king or queen of the world whenever you hear their voice or spend any sort of time together. The shitty thing is that you may have the perfect love and perfect bond, but be trapped in the wrong circumstances to really enjoy it. That seems to be the case over the years for me. Right when I get that perfect thing going with the woman I think is finally my someone special, some kind of messed up circumstances are in play. We're either trapped by distance, trust issues, confusion if they sort of like someone else, or some other random bad circumstance. At least I can say that I won't turn my back on love, no matter what. I refuse to let myself be jaded into just believing that it's all misery and no happiness, but man, going through this sure makes it hard to hold on to hope. Do I love the people that this has happened with? Absolutely. Whether I still talk to them regularly, or not, I do consider them soulmates...and whatever time I had with them I treasure and love, the same as I treasure and love them in my heart forever and always. When I let someone in so deep that I feel they've touched the very fabric of my soul, I know for sure, no matter what, that they will always be in my heart...that's a true soulmate. I guess the one thing that would be great is that I wish one of these times when I meet a soulmate like that, it would be nice to finally be able to live and love freely, without the frakked up circumstances. 2 people, 1 foundation of love and trust, for a lifetime. That's all. One day, it will happen...either someone that I've connected with in my past, or someone that I haven't met yet, will share that with me, and the final piece will click into place. Until then, darkness with no light, and hurting are my companions...love will triumph one day, though. I believe it will. You have to be wounded by it to appreciate its full beauty, and also unsderstand it's fragility. I can say that I'm lucky to at least understand and experience true love...I truly hope everyone can at some point in their lives.

Do you MISS the magic? Do you MISS the anticipation? Do you MISS when things were fresh and new? Do you MISS hearing my voice? Do you MISS closing your eyes, longing for my touch, my kiss, my soft whispers of "I Love You"? Do you MISS the passion? Do you MISS getting excited over the smallest thing like my phone calls or texts? Do you MISS being truly in love without question? Do you MISS my heart? Do you MISS "us" how we're supposed to be? Do you MISS me?