MyLostHeaven71's blog: "To lose and gain"

Six months have passed, the pain remains. Instead of easing, it drive me insane. The pain remains, it rips through my soul. Nothings the same, nothing can be undone. Instead of easing, the curse grows strong. Anger is born before long. Now it is all I see. It drives me insane, my rage grows fierce. There is no hope, and there is no saving. -S.Jackson Dedicated to Liz Phhillips who died June 25 and I wrote this on Christmas-her 6 month anniversary to her death. Now, almost 8 months gone and the poems words remain.

Tell me Little Star of your pain, you burn so bright, you should have no shame. "I am sad for I'm but a Shade..." The eerie voice of the star replied one day. Confused I cried, "A Shade? But why?" The weaker answer came made me cry, "I had Died so long ago and now as I say goodbye I begin to fade." "Well, Sweet Star, know you'll live forever. In our hearts because of your great splendour." "Forever? the echo whispered hopefully. "Forever and a day.Just you wait and see!" That star was painted rembered just as I'd said, and her memory will never be dead. So we can always shine on forever, with Liz, forever in the Heavens.

I wrote this one the day Liz told me she was going to die. Today my grief was almost too great so I share this now... Don’t go away, just yet, please. By: Heaven © March 23, 2008 I hear your weak voice and my heart cries. You are too young to die. Once, you and I had been so close, You gave my teen memories a reason to boast. Time had a way of keeping us apart, And life without you is bleak and dark. Now we chat almost every day, And for you every night I pray. Don’t go away, just yet, please. I find myself on my knees. To lose you I will not accept, What else can anyone expect? To bow down is not my way, So I beg God to let you stay. “Let her stay here as long as it takes, until there are no more medical mistakes.” I plead with every last bit of myself, To get a dose of miraculous help. Until that day comes I will not break, I won’t show weakness, for both or our sakes. So, Don’t go away, just yet, please. For someday I’ll have nothing left…but to weep.

Hope it speaks for itself... Distance By:Heaven 2008 Dashed across the stars, Scattered like ones dreams. From the sea to shining sea, Pieces of their hearts long to be. Each holding one anothers soul, In one anothers hands. Each has a whole, yet both have a part, In the welling of one anothers heart. If distance has not hurt, The strength they give out, Then crashing of the waves, Is nothing more to worry about . Distance does not know, Nor could it understand, That be it the sea or land, Hearts that bind grow strong, In loving hands.

Okay, dear friends, those who have read my introduction and my previous posts already know that I am a heart patient. I was born with my main heart condition. I only bring this up now beecause my life is always going to be a life of surgeries on and off both major and minor ones. In the introduction to myself I mentioned my pacemaker and my inability to use my wifi settings on my DS. Well, the time is finally upon me, yep. It is time to change the device. I have a surgery date already. August 4th. Normally I take these more minor of operations (compared to what I have had and what lies ahead) with grace and little worries but in light of the wickedly crappy year this has been I am kinda freaking out a bit. To top it off no one else, no other doc other than Dr. Spotnitz from CP in NY has EVER handlede my pacemakers. My ICD, well, others have replaced those but the pacemaker is something else altogether. No pacer equals no life. I live only because of that small device and that odd, brillant man tweaked every pacemaker I ever had so when the nation was filled with recalls I was never one of them. Why mention all this? I need to invoke the warrior inside me, so starting tonight I will create yet another blog area called The Warrior's Voice (a title Liz told me I should name a book if I ever wrote about my life and living with heart failure). In it will be poems both new and old that i use to help me call upon that inner strenghth when I need it most. I hope you all enjoy that side of me, my warriors side is also my egotistical side lol, but it has to be. Thank you, take care for I haop all is well with you all. Heaven.

I almost giggle every time I get comments on my fiery hair. See, I have a little secrect that actually isn't a secret at all (because I don't believe in them unless it is to keep harm from someone). I have been red and brown on and off for most of my life...Yep, not a true redhead, sorry guys hope that doesn't dissapoint too much. lol. See, this time, I was brown because i had been growing it out and it is just easier that way. Well, when I rushed to Liz's bedside the first thing after she says my name is a question, "Where's the red?" She was very weak and that was all she could get out and it took hours and two of us to figure out what she meant. The next day she flung her hand at my hair and in an upset voice declared questioningly, "Red?" It was confirmed. One of her dying wishes was for me to go back red. Funny thing, I always change my hair whenever things become, too much...And they were...So this was one request I had already been considering. I bought the hair color and did it later that night. Now, a word of advice... Never, and I mean, NEVER, try to double process your own hair at 2 to 4 am at a hospice hospital when you have had about 4 hours sleep in about 3 days, Yep, I screwed it up. She could not tell. She saw it red before her sight went, she happily chortled, "Reeed..." and smiled the best she could. That was a request I gave her and now (after a fix-up at a salon) seems to be working for me...So I guess sisters know best. And know matter how silly a request may be, under the right circumstances all should be heeded. I should have been born a redhead I'd save so much money. But that is okay, Liz would agree I should stay this way.

This is the last of four poems I wrote about Liz and i and our constant battles with our illnesses. This one I wrote the day she told me they said they could no longer help her. The complete set is called Learning to Dance...Someday you will see the other three. The Dance was Lost By:SRJ. ©March 18, 2008 The light began to fade, The dance floor was all scraped. I’d Tangoed my will, I’d found my way. The Dance without Lizzie is never the same. I tried to hold on, The best that I could. Her hand lost my grip, And she was carried away. All at once I saw her sway. She’d joined the last dance, The one that I always fought. I have to help her was my only thought. Try as I might I was meant to lose, The dance I needed to save her groove. Our eyes wept as she danced away, Lost forever, until that final day, When we will all dance our way To a much better place. So, I learned to dance, I’d Tangoed my will and my way. From this last dance, For now, I sorrowfully walked away.

Just a little ditty i wrote late last night while feeling the loss and feeling alone... Warped Alone, I face this misery. I call upon you but you aren’t there. Support does not exist for me. Alone, I call upon my hatred. I will walk this path, I know it well. I will carry my loss, From my strongest place. Alone, I will mourn Lizzie. I called upon you, my heart to bare. Through this pain I cannot see, Alone, I guess at what is fated… Warped, I fell. -July7,2008 SRJ

Very recently I lost one of my best friends to AIDS. She was also my oldest sister, Lizzie. While with her in her last days she gave my cousin and I one last beautiful gift...Serenpece. Serene happened to be my sister's best friend and now to me she is a new sister. She can never be anything less. So, when I prepared to return to Ohio she emailed me an invite here, and I gladly accept. So, although I miss Lizzie more than I can say, I am so honored for her gift of Serene. Just like my sister to know I'd always need an oldest sister to try and keep me from really trying to set those who annoy me on fire with my mind. Hasn't worked yet but I don't give up easily. always, Sandy