darkangeloflight's blog: "thoughts"

As darkness falls her thoughts become scattered. Like an old piece of cloth her lucidity becomes tattered. She falls upon her knees and prays to anyone. For once she hopes someone will listen and help her right this wrong As she looks at her bloody hands she begins to tremble Its all she can do, not to remember. Her guilt drives her forward into the darkness There she knows she will receive his forgiveness. For in the darkness he awaits, And it is only In his arms she will be safe.

Again she sits alone staring at the darkened sky, awakened yet again by dreams she couldnt remember if she tried. Emotions of fear and sadness overwhelm her, as she begins to cry. Somedays she wonders if it would be easier to sucumb to her dark desires but then she sighs. She looks at the clock, hoping, but it is only 3am. She wonders for what she is being punished what was her sin? Why does this darkness call to her? why can she not fight its intoxicating lure? The demons she fights with all of her being but how do you fight something without even seeing? Alone again she sits with a stiff drink in hand. praying to find nothing in the darkness of sleep but a peaceful land. Try as she might she will not win For in that darkness he will come again

He came to me again as he always does touching my soul and wetting my eyes with tears. His dark eyes searing stright into my soul leaving me empty when he leaves. His arms that once made me feel safe and warm in his embrace now leaves me cold and alone. his words that once comforted my tired and restless mind just leave me longing for a another time. Perhaps Ive lost what little sanity I have left. Perhaps I want to be near him again so badly that I create his appearance to somehow torture my wounded soul. Or perhaps its the guilt I feel that creates his image over and over again to remind me of my past sins.There are times I could spend hours dwelling upon things I have done wrong in the past but dwelling will solve nothing for its in the future that I can make a difference. And its in the future that he will come again and again.

As I sit here somewhere between the realms of sheer exhaustion and dark lucidity, I find myself being taken to place I rarely like to visit. Why does my mind take me to these dark places in the presence of exhaustion. Is it beacuse in the deep caverns of my mind I know it is only in the face of exhaustion that I let down all defenses and willing go? Or is it because my mind knows that the darkness that lives deep in my soul needs a outlet from time to time? Why do these dark things fascinate and attract me so? Why do i torture myself with futile feelings like embarrassment for these thoughts? It is somewhere in this darkness I find light. A light that illuminates my soul like lightening on a pale midnight sky. I fear this darkness will be a part of me forever but what i fear most is that this darkness will someday go away. Torn between darkness and light I find myself forever spinning and praying for there to be something there to catch me when i fall. Perhaps someday i will dwell deep into my soul and seek out the darkness that haunts me so, but for now I fear i shall I only be contented with the thoughts that pulse through my dark lucidity.