Grateful Dharqe BarBie's blog: "Thoughts"

House is still 

everyone still deep in slumber

Van Morison playing low

softly singing along 

the smell of coffee brewing 

a soft breeze carries  through the room the realisation that this day is another chance for happiness

another chance to get it right

A smile still lingering from a wonderful conversation had just a few hours before 

the comforting sound of my son breathing softly in the arms of sleep  

how very blessed I am 

looking at my child so peaceful brings a tear 

not of sadness but from an overwhelming feeling of love

i reach out and run my hand through his red hair and smile

this very moment I am at peace 

these are the  times that give me  strength 

memories i  can carry in my heart

a place i can run to when the day tries to overpower what strength I have 

suddenly  the quiet is broken with the whisper of mama I love you 

that is the exact moment I know my life has true meaning

I couldn't ask for more 

*(note still tweaking this piece  its unfinished)

You have dead eyes that don't let you see the truth in your slow suicide

Where did you go?

There are only glimpses left that have spewed from your pen

but not in your eyes 

not in the hand that holds your  glass

removed from your smile

What will they do when their hero has gone

self destructed

imploded

Destroyed by demons that have been drown but never forgotten

as your idols before you

learn from them 

read their pain 

but do not suffer as they did

for then their message will have been written  in vain

I was sitting in the coffee shop alone reading a book the other day . I noticed just a few booths up a lady , probably in her 60's , doing just as I was. She looked sad, her face looked as if it had not smiled in many years. Huge cloud of smoke around her head as she took yet another long drag off her menthol 100. I wondered her story. I pictured where each line of her tired face may have began. Had she loved and loss . Does she go home each night to an empty house and a memory of the man she loved who has long since passed. Do her children not write or call. Or does she muddle through life waiting for the next holiday to feel loved. Was she as I am , just alone. Gave up trying after so many broken hearts. Figuring one more would be the one that would finally shatter her soul. Easier to be alone than to be yet again made a fool.I picture her more the type that just never found love . She didn't appear to be that feminists strong type. You know the ones who fill the room with their presence, Her shoulders hung to low. She oozed a sadness you could see.  Her pain was very clear in her eyes. I went back to my reading but my mind continued to wander back to her story. You could tell at one time she was a knock out. The beauty was still there but hidden under lifes cruel scars.  I realised in that very moment this may be my life, that I may just never find love. I may be someday that lady in the coffee shop that catches your attention as you sip your coffee and wonder my story . Will I never have that person in my life to make memories with or will I lose that some one and be left with just the memories to get me by. As I walked to the counter to pay for my coffee I realised I would much rather have loved and lost and to have those memories then to give up now and never know what I may have missed. I payed for my coffee and the ladies as well and in my mind as I walked to my car I thanked her for helping me find strength to continue on life's path and to always remain open to love. Because one day  I rather be that lady in the coffee shop who has a trace of a smile as she remembers coming to that same place and having pie , coffee and pleasant conversation with the man she loved than to be the lady staring out the window sipping coffee and dreaming of what could have been.

Pinches myself

was it all a dream

we fit so perfectly 

you and I 

basking in the glow of love

a passion we shared , the want for a strong honest bond with another

now this feeling 

the overwhelming feeling 

of loss eats at me 

the wait is hard

the thoughts 

the pain i shall suffer till your heart may possibly return 

what is there to gain in distant hearts

just lost time and memories at a standstill 

I wait 

 you say it wasnt our love that went wrong 

so i do what i can to show you I can be a faithful heart

strong for us both 

while you take your leave 

through the strongest of storms I stand resolute

I wait

while you figure out the words to your lifes song 

as you push to find your way and be the man you long to be

I wait 

so together we can again emotionally grow

for while in our love we were the matching of two perfect souls 

honest and loving as two could be

relentless in love as you said to me

As I stand on the shores of hope

I wait for the return of the purest love I have known 

and wait 

and wait 

and wait....

My face plain

awkward in look

noticeably clumsy in my own skin

a quiet tongue afraid to speak

a mind thirsty always seeking knowledge

a passion for life fueled by struggles

no less a person , no more a fool

on my sleeve a sensitive heart beats

counting blessings like minutes to raise my self esteem

I am not your perfection

I grow leery of your definition of words such as beauty and intellect

Shall I question my worth just because I do not fit your quintessential mold

the things you define as beauty can only fade with time

lines form and take over where perfection once dwelt

the mind slows with age forgetting the quotes you once threw around

as if they were your own

I think I shall let my passion be my beauty

my thirst for knowledge my intellect

for fiery passion can never be extinguished

a true thirst never quenched

Little one with eyes of blue

Hands small 

Smile broad

Dreams big 

Heart pure

How you're so forgiving of my faults I have no clue

To be your hero is an honor

I have let you down so many times

But you still say I love you

With your eyes , with a smile 

You remind me that life is so worth while 

I have to believe while I held the bottle my little one

GOD held you

Now as I grow as adults sometimes have to do 

I know no one could ever love me as much as you

Thank you little one for your trust and faith

You knew I could be more than I ever showed 

And because of your love I can grow

Can you Promise me courage

 yes

I received a mind full of fear

I asked will I be happy

 yes

Then found myself drowning in sadness

I asked will I be accepted  

yes

I found myself isolated

Can you Promise me love 

yes

I received a heart full of hate

I asked may I walk away from you

 NO its to late

Then one day while you were not looking I found the most amazing room

 In it a set of steps  as I slowly climbed

I found all the promises you broke coming true

You asked where are you going!

silence....

You yelled you cant live without me!

silence....

You cried wait comeback you need me!

silence....

There was no need to reply, for all you promised... I found in me.

There was a time when the wind reminded me of you

Of a Love of a loss of a bridge that can no longer be crossed

It carried sadness and pain and whispered your name

Cutting through me like your unexpected good bye 

But it now brings a new hope

a breath of fresh air

It's silent and comforting 

Time has passed and the wind it no longer cares

To carry your memory to me

It brings me strength and life and a presence of mind

That this was all just meant to be

For the growth of a loving & stronger more confident me