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I Will Smite You With Metaphor Fists's blog: "Thoughts"

created on 03/19/2008  |  http://fubar.com/thoughts/b199433
posted on 08/16/2009&nbs-07:00;@&nbs-07:00;10:08&nbs-07:00;pm

drunk + depressed=bad idea

why is it that when you are drunk all you can think about is things you really don't want to?  The last 3 serious relationships I have had ended badly and they all moved on before we were even over.  One cheated on me and left me for that girl, the next moved on emotionaly, and the third was already talking to the girl he is w/ now when we were still together like 2 or 3 months before we even broke up...even left the same comment on her page and my page on the same exact day.  I know I'm not perfect but I try as hard as I can when I am w/ someone.  Even now the guys who claim to like me don't actually want to be with me, they just wanna get in my pants. I guess I look easy and slutty, thats all I am.  I just want something real.  I don't want hook ups or to just have fun, I want someone that will take me flaws and all.

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posted on 08/05/2009&nbs-07:00;@&nbs-07:00;10:08&nbs-07:00;pm

I am a sinner and I am a saint, I am a devil, I am a ghost at the wake

So it seems I have been crushed yet again by someone who I thought truly loved me.  It actually happened 2 months ago, well in reality I was only told a month ago but they knew 2 months ago after giving me the cliche "break" bullshit line, ya to make it hurt less because we all know how well that works.  The thing that hurts me the most is that I was rejected me.  I wasn't good enough for someone who never deserved someone as good as me, I can get better but I guess I settled just so I wasn't alone and I convinced myself he was some great catch and now I see how stupid I was.  The way it all went down was worse, it was like I was nothing more to him than some drunken one night stand or a mistake.  He couldn't face me or even call he hid for a month and then did it on fucking myspace, how did i deserve that in anyway???  I think the worse part is I'm swimming around in a dating limbo, I mean there are some guys I am talking to but I don't know if it will ever add up to anything and he is already in love w/ someone new.  I know I'm not perfect but I'm smart and I'm pretty and I try to treat the guys I am w/ well (I actually supported this winners ass the whole time) and I have goals and I get almost nothing good and lots of options to settle on and someone that acts at least 6 years younger than he is gets love and happiness.  I'm so tired of this bs roller coaster in love, it just makes me feel like I'm not even worth someone that many ppl feel never deserved me, nothing worse than being hurt by someone beneath you.  On top of this bull shit a few of my friends became his friends and they still hang out often and it hurts, I have tried to let them know and we have gotten into fights but I don't know what else to do.  I can't force them not to hang out w/ someone who is now their friend but I just can't understand why you can be near someone who treated me like nothing and be ok with it.  They took his side all the time when we were still together and now they can chill w/ him and it doesn't seem to matter what he did to me, its like it never happened, and for a long time I felt really betrayed but I don't know how I feel anymore.  I know they love me and don't do it to hurt me and would always pick me over him if they had to but I can't help being hurt, I've done everything I know.  I've told them and it ends up in a spat and I don't want that, we never really argued before this and it sucks.  I don't want them to feel bad, I just want to understand how it doesn't bother them at all.......

"Hostage Of Love"

You make yourself a prisoner of me
You blind yourself so you don't have to see
You turn your life to a power above
You make yourself a hostage of love

You turn from me, you turn from the strain
Devote yourself to the power again
Distance yourself from all that we vowed
You broke those rules, you're my hostage now

I am a sinner and I am a saint
I am a devil, I am a ghost at the wake
God feed the swell and pull of your tears as they break
I am the limit of the load you can take

You are the pulley and I am the winch
I am salvation and you're herald of sin
I'll take you beyond your limits of trust
Ransom yourself, hostage of love

You see we've been born again
Since you've slept there in that lion's den, den
You can not be saved
You gave your innocence away, ohh

I've turned my cheek and I've suffered the blow
Truth of my story is widely unknown
Word of derision, I have swallowed with a smile
For telling my story I have been crucified

Now like a mad man, I give my laurels to you
Like a hero, forsake my trophies for you
No where disciple of this devil that is in the blood
Am I not also your hostage of love?

You see we've all been born again
Since you've slept there in that lion's den, den
You can not be turned
Until your innocence is old

And you seek out to live alone
Though it hurts to make it on your own, own
You cannot be saved
You gave your innocence away, ohh

You will be made a hostage of love
Hostage of love, hostage of love
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posted on 08/05/2009&nbs-07:00;@&nbs-07:00;10:08&nbs-07:00;pm

I could snap at any moment and remember I was not born to be sold


I should be sleeping since I have my final tomorrow but god knows that won't happen since my brain would rather have me think about shit.  I'm really tired of this whole dating scene thing.  I'm starting to see why I'm always either single or in a serious relationship.  It's exhausting and frankly makes me feel like shit.  Ever since crack whore dumped me I seem to be attracting only 2 types of guys, either guys that have pretty much all the things I am looking for and have no time for or can't be with me cause distance and seem to only want me for physical reasons or they are losers who I am not mentally or physically attracted to.  I don't get what it is about me that draws these guys to me.  It just sucks when someone that really doesn't deserve to be happy is and I'm getting bs.  Everyone says don't worry about dating and work on yourself but contrary to what people believe I'm not that unhappy w/ who I am and my life.  Yes, I'd like to lose a few pounds and yes I'd like to have a job and a license and a handle over my anxiety but other than that I like love me and where my life is going.  I'm doing well i school and I'm proud that I'm finally going back, but I wish I had someone.  I can't help that feeling, I like the security and I like having someone to support me and be proud of me and love me.  Yes I am aware that I can get those things in friendship but its different that when you get it from that someone special and I know I'm not alone in feeling this.  This whole thing has really been getting to me, I'm not a bad catch, yes I have flaws but so does everyone but I don't understand why I just attract this barneys.  I don't want to settle again to not be alone, I already did and it crushed me.  I just want someone on my level that I click w/ and am attracted to and likes me for more than the chance to fuck me, someone I can have something real with.  I never that thats asking too much but maybe it is, maybe I should take it as a sign, maybe I think I deserve better than I do and maybe when I settle thats the type of person I'm worthy of.  It just sucks when you are getting no where and when ever you think you found something it ends up being a facade and letting you down and all it does is make you question everything about you from the physical to the mental and it drains your worth and its even worse when you end up being not good enough for the things you settled for.

"Anything"-Incubus

I met the day
Feeling cheaper than usual
I guess you could say that I'm on sale
So take what you can while you can
Shop now, intensive
I could snap at any moment
And I might feel more expensive

I don't owe anything to you
I don't owe anything to you
You don't you know me half as well as you think you do
I don't owe anything
anything to you

I met the mirror
pressed it came from my ear
And in that moment I went unfazed
So take what you can while you can
Less conscious solely means more gold
I could snap at any moment and remember
I was not born to be sold

I don't owe anything to you
I don't owe anything to you
You don't you know me half as well as you think you do
I don't owe anything
anything to you
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posted on 05/21/2009&nbs-07:00;@&nbs-07:00;04:05&nbs-07:00;pm

I Don't Want To Be A Foot Note In Someone Else's Happiness

I'm looking back at entrys in my old written journal trying to fit it all in one note book and every word I wrote hurts and it makes me wonder why I tried so hard when the writting was on the wall.  I just keep wondering if every word and situation I spoke about were just lies, I can't help but wonder that because look at where the situation is now; every promise has been broken and everything that was said would happen is gone...its like that part of my life was just a dream.  More than anything I want to understand why I still care, why even now just thinking about it fills my eyes with tears.  I feel stupid, I thought I moved on from it all but maybe I'm just lying to myself again. I know there is no point of voicing these feelings and m ore likely than not no good will come from it like most things I have said when it comes to this situation.  I know that the other never wonders or thinks about any of it, I am just a bad memory or a nightmare.  Thats all i ever am I guess, but still to this day I can't break 100% away, there are still thinks that keep me attached which ironically enough is not my choice but the others.  It must be easier to keep around when the baggage is only physical and not emotional cause in all honesty I'm sure I'm the only one with any emotion left of the situation, the only one who even tries to be civil, the only one who acts like everything was something that mattered and that the promises that were made actually meant something to someone even if it they didnt mean something to the one who actually spoke them.

"Headfirst Slide Into Cooperstown On A Bad Bet"-Fall Out Boy


Mr. Sandman showing his beam
When he walks into the room the walls lean in to listen
Surfed out brain waves flick back and forth
Like old headlights sniffing model glue again
Head like a steel trap
Wish I didn't I didn't I didn't I didn't I didn't I didn't I didn't
I don't just want to be a footnote in someone else's happiness

Does your husband know the way that
the sunshine gleams from your wedding band?
Does he know the way
Does he know the way
Of the crickets that would convince me to call it a night?

But I will never end up like him
Behind my back I already am
Keep a calendar, this way you will always know

The last time you came through
Oh darling I know what you're going through
The last time you came through
Oh darling
Oh darling
Oh darling...

Aw
Tempest in a teacup
Get unique
Peroxide princes shine like shark teeth
It's a sign (it's a sign)
It's a sign (it's a sign)
It's a sign-what if you peaked early?

Does your husband know the way that
the sunshine gleams from your wedding band?
Does he know the way
Does he know the way
Of the crickets that would convince me to call it a night?

Does he
Does he know the way I worship
Our love?
Does your husband know the way that
the sunshine gleams from your wedding band?

But I will never end up like him
Behind my back I already am
Keep a calendar, this way you will always know

The last time you came through
Oh darling I know what you're going through
The last time you came through
Oh darling
Oh darling
Oh darling...

Does your husband know?
Does your husband know?
Does your husband know?
Does he know,
does he know,
does he know? Oh oh...

But I will never end up like him
Behind my back I already am
Keep a calendar, this way you will always know

The last time you came through
Oh darling I know what you're going through
The last time you came through
Oh darling I know what you're going through

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posted on 06/12/2008&nbs-07:00;@&nbs-07:00;01:06&nbs-07:00;pm

I don't even know

I hate myself. I ruined it like I ruin everything else in my life. I fuck up anything good. That's all I am, I'm just a fuck up. I was so sure things were gonna be ok. I felt like things were starting to go the way they should and I thought he did too but now I have no idea. I don't know what to do, I don't know what to think. I'm broken. I don't this anymore. I don't want to go through this pain again. It hurts so much. I just want to this to be fixed. I want this to work out. I am giving my all and I am trying so hard, why isn't my best good enough? Why am I never enough? This doesn't feel right, this is not how this is supposed to be. I am my biggest mistake. I am shit to me. Everything I touch turns to shit. I can't hold on to something that doesn't want to be there, but I don't know how to let go. How I can I just turn my back on what I love? How can I just forget the best thing I have ever had? How did it come to this? How could he want this? All I wanna do is love him.
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posted on 03/19/2008&nbs-07:00;@&nbs-07:00;07:03&nbs-07:00;am

Wait! they don’t love you like i love you

There comes a point in every persons life where they must make a choice. Where they have to decide if you want to keep doing what you’re doing and stick with what you are used to or if you want to do one of the hardest things you can do and that thing it to change, that is the point I am at in my life. I know that since many of the people who read this only see the part of me I let you see, so maybe I should let you know how I really am. I’m a fucking bitch to put it as simply as possible. I make so many people around me miserable because I cannot control my anger and outbursts. I know that when people get older people are supposed to get wiser, but I guess that wisdom just hasn’t come to me, it seems as I have aged I have become more and more irritable, but now it has come to the point that being this way may cause me to lose something very important. I just don’t know how to change. I have tried to ignore the little things and not snap or overreact but nothing seems to work. I have tried to not let I have tried not to let jealousy, envy, paranoia, or the scars of my last relationship act up in this one but they just do. It’s like I am constantly making two steps forward but then taking one big leap back. I don’t like being like this and part of me never knew until it was pointed out to me. I’m just so afraid I won’t be able to change and I will lose everything that is important and one of the only things that makes me feel truly happy. Part of me thinks it may be too late though, hearing from someone that means so much how the way I am hurts them makes me feel like I’m nothing and I don’t deserve the good I have and that I can’t fix it and that the damage is done. Lately I just have felt so awful. I feel like a bad daughter and a bad sister, a bad friend and a bad girlfriend, just a bad everything. In all honesty I sometimes feel like that since I make the majority of the people around me so miserable that maybe they would be better if I weren’t around, and it scares me to think that because I haven’t felt suicidal in such a long time and I thought I was over it, but now knowing how much and how close I was to losing has made me realize how bad everything has gotten. I don’t know how I got to this point. I never saw that it was getting this bad, I didn’t realize that I’m breaking people’s hearts and spirit. I’m just so afraid that if I don’t fix it soon I will lose everything and I don’t know if I can take that. I will make this better. I have to. I know now I need help cause I know I can’t do it alone cause when I try I fail.
"Maps"-The Yeah Yeah Yeahs Pack up I’m straight Enough Oh, say say say Oh, say say say Oh, say say say Oh, say say say Oh, say say say Wait, they don’t love you like i love you Wait, they don’t love you like i love you Ma-a-a-a-ps, wait! They don’t love you like i love you... Made off Don’t stray My kind’s your kind I’ll stay the same Pack up Don’t stray Oh, say say say Oh, say say say Wait! they don’t love you like i love you Wait! they don’t love you like i love you Ma-a-a-aps, wait! They don’t love you like i love you... Wait! they don’t love you like i love you Ma-a-a-aps, wait! They don’t love you like i love you... Wait, they don’t love you like i love you Wait, they don’t love you like i love you Ma-a-a-a-ps, wait! They don’t love you like i love you... Wait, they don’t love you like i love you Ma-a-a-a-ps, wait! They don’t love you like i love you...
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