1534203's blog: "Thoughts"

All my life I have been a giver,care taker and fixer. I don't know how to accept help or be taken care of. I have gotten worse since my last heart break. I hardly trust anyone and I tend to trust the wrong one when I do. They are usually the ones that need to be fixed or cared for. If someone wants to give to me I push them away.I don't let them in.I think the pain of someone that truly love's me hurting me is more than I could stand so I push as hard as I can to make them leave.Some of my friends are helping me change and I thank them for that.Hopefully they understand it will just take me a little more time.

Oh my children...how I love them!!! Let's see....I just found out my daughter is going to move to Finland when she is 20..My 10 year old son is shooting the neighbors dog with the air soft gun and my 6 year old loves me to death. OK he is still 6 so this will all change in a few weeks..They all dyed their hair pink and it is permanent holy hell the school is going to call me on this one!! Yes,I love my children :D

I am sure there are reasons people lie in their lifetime. I know everyone has at one point or another. I don't lie to people because it will just come back on me. I have nothing to hide. Nothing other than my pain. I have a lot of pain. Sometimes,now mind you this is just sometimes,I don't feel like I am supposed to be here in this world. I don't think that love is going to happen for me. I am either not seeing it or it's just not there for me. I love my children and maybe that is all the love that is intended for me in my life. I meet all kinds of people but,they are not for me or the one that is....he is running from something else. i am stuck in a place that I don't know how to get out of. I know this is not where I am supposed to be. I am supposed to be somewhere else but,I just don't know where that somewhere is. I am not looking anymore,it will just have to find me I suppose. I am just tired of waiting and wanting and needing it.

You walk away with no word,you walk back in like you never left.what are you doing?What do you want?You hide,you play games.you can't look me in the eye and tell me what you want to say the most.I know the truth and so do you.What are you waiting for?My time here is short.I need to live my life for now.I can't and wont wait much longer.I won't come back a second time.Just look at me and tell me what you want so badly to say to me.It hurts just a little and then it is gone.Then there is happiness and joy and yes,sometimes some more pain but,we do it together as one and not apart and hurting all the time. You make my heart hurt and you make it swell with joy.You saved me and then destroyed me.I don't know where I am going but I know i want to go with you.take my hand,hold it tight and we will be just fine.hold me close and never let me go.Kiss me like we will never see one another again.Enjoy every moment we have together.Life goes fast and your taking to long to live it with me.I see them too.I want them also.It will be the best part of our lives....Time is wasting,someone else will steal my heart away.I will be gone but not forgotten.I will be in the back of your mind for the rest of your life.I am the one and so are you.Save me again and let me save you.....

I don't sleep anymore. I have so much running through my brain it keeps me awake. I seem to be letting things creep in to my head that I don't tend to. I like my wall where it is. It's coming undone. I let people in and then get crushed. I want to learn to walk away. Not be there for them. I just don't know how to do it. Kindness is a flaw of mine. I am learning to deal with it.