1534203's blog: "Thoughts"

I miss the shirt in the closet.Walking up to it and smelling him on it. I miss the shoes by the bed and his stupid socks on the floor.The warmth of his body next to mine.His kisses on my neck and his arms around my waist.I don't know who he is,but I miss him so.

Pain reminds us that we still feel. Pain tells us we can still love. It shapes us, rips us and drives us insane. It doesn't have to scar us forever,but just be a reminder of something we once hand and then lost. Hold your head high and walk with grace and never show the pain on your face.

I am not on here as much as I used to be.I will rate as I can. Things have gotten busy here and I have much to plan and take care of. Take Care. Talk soon. Some I will see soon...YAY!!!!!!! Cheryl.....Sweet Addiction :)

My pain is great,my heart hurts,then mends and the hurts again.When will it end?I don't want this anymore.I want joy,happiness,pleasure.I want it all not just the pain.I want my head to stop spinning and being clouded with the memory of us.I want to hear the word's you so desperately want to say,the words that are lost in you.You have me in front of you,my full attention.you just give me more pain.I see it in your eyes.It's there.I feel it,on my skin with your touch but you pull away.I am a fool.I want so to walk away and to stay.I am lost out in a tossing sea and am slowly drowning.My body is cold,in a lonely world.I need you by my side,not to complete me,for I am complete.You are my other half,my calmness,my everything.I don't want anymore pain.Take it away.You wont,your gone from me again. I will learn to not have you there for me,to not make me laugh and smile.To touch my heart,mind body and soul.Pain is taking control once again.

I have come to find that the littlest things matter the most to me.The times someone remembers my favorite flower,kisses from my children,someone that can make me blush. A friend that listens and doesn't judge me,tells me that I will be okay. A cup of coffee in the morning with someone special. To sit and listen to music with someone clear across the country and not really talking.A compliment,which I don't take well.I still say thank you for them though.Friends that see me just for me.Seeing my pain,my flaws and the beauty in me that I don't see.I can be difficult,stubborn and five million other things and they are still my friends.My children make my life worth living.My friends keep me sane.Some people see me one way,but my friends and those who matter most know the real me.I am loving,caring,forgiving and not the bitch some would like to think I am.I love my friends.I love my children a thousand times more.They forgive me for things I have done and not done. I am not perfect.I am perfectly flawed and I like it that way.

I never dream,not till last night.It was vivid and still in my mind. I don't really read into dreams,they are just dreams to me,nothing more and nothing less. My best friend believes our dreams are telling us something. I have no clue. I never dream about people or friends,I did last night and it was just strange to me that i would dream about him. If what she says is true then I should believe in this dream and be happy.If it is what i believe dreams are then it means nothing at all and was just a dream that will never come true,as so many of my few dreams have. I like her way of thinking but why get my hopes up over a dream.It was just a dream after all,wasn't it?

There is someone very close to my heart.He makes me smile,laugh,cry and feel good about myself.He makes me think of things I want and need.That I could be happy again. He is my best friend and lover,but I will never completely have as my own. I think about him everyday and what he is doing and thinking.What he smells like.I cherish the time I have with him even though it is far and few between.He is in my dreams and in my head,in my heart and soul and will always be.I miss him today.

I have come to find that nothing else compares to the love I get from my children.Yes,they hate me from time to time,but I am not their best friend,I am their mother.My kids know me well. They know I fall in love easy and pay for it later.They know even at their young ages that I have be physically abused and that I look at the world in a totally different way from their friends parents.They have come to accept me with all my faults. They understand that things have been very hard on me lately and don't judge me for the way I act.They make sure to tell me that they love me on a daily basis.Sometimes I think they are worried I won't be here when they come home from school.My children see the pain and sadness in my eyes and face and try to make me feel better.Some days are better than others. Today is not the best day and I got the best I love you I could ever get and that is from my children. I am only destined to be truly loved and cared for by my children. I miss companionship,but I can learn to live with out that from a man.I can throw away men just as easily as they can throw me away.My children will always be a part of me.

It must be because I have a headache that I am thinking all kinds of weird stuff. I am so feeling the need to tell people what I really think about them in the worst way. If I change the names people will still know who I am talking about.This kinda sucks!! I think I will do it on another site that I blog on and feel ooohhh sooo much better!! People need to pull their heads out of their asses and learn to be truthful and not screw with others emotions.I need to go to the target range,I don't care how cold it is I am in a pissy mood and have no one to take it out on!!!!!