Temptress Darkside Dollie The other Hal...'s blog: "Thoughts & Feelings"

Sometimes we build walls around our heart at one point or another in our life. for whatever the reasons...it's how some of us survive. It's the only way we know how to deal with pain, loss or trauma...and whatever else life may throw our way. Sometimes we build that wall so high..that we can't even see beyond it. we work so hard to keep others out...and in the process, let all the good things go to waste. maybe not intentionally...but that's what happens when the wall is so far up there. It's because of this wall that we are unable to sometimes move on in our life. The fear of the past repeating itself keeps us from ever letting anyone in. I mean, sure we take the wall down a notch or two...but never all the way. It's a security feature that's always set on "automatic"..ready to go up at the first sign of danger. Once that happens...everything else shuts down. The thing is...you can't continue to live your life in fear of the past. Cause then you're really not living at all. We become a prisoner of our own fears. And fear controls your life...your relationship...and you. Do you rally want to let fear control you...or would you rather control fear?! No one says you have to take your wall down... to take it down would leave you vunlerable, and you never want to be too vulnerable. But try opening up sometimes...and let someone in..and you'll see that there's still some good out there...if you have fait and just believe. Things won't always be easy...and sometimes you might even get hurt again...but with each fallen step, you get stronger and wiser along the way. What's the point of living...if you're going to live in fear?! Hell I ain't no expert on life or even when it comes to matters of the heart...but I let my heart lead the way for me. and if somewhere along the line i end up getting hurt...I'll deal with it...let my heart mourn, then pick up the pieces and move on. Life is to fucken short to stay in the corner. I'd rather be out there and quite frankly..sometimes I'd rather be vulnerable. Because it's only then can you really live for the moment...live for today, cause hell...tomorrow may never come and today... maybe all that we have! Thought for the day: "Your heart is never truely open...unless it's been broken"

here's to all you hypocrits, pessimistics, bigots, and whoever else falls into those categories.. On love and relationships...why is it that people always gotta give shit to those that actually fall in love?! Then again...what is love, and is there a difference between love and true love? I think so... Love is Love, it's nothing less than true love. It's a feeling that one feels for another which may not manifest itself right away in the beginning of a relationship...but like a plant if you nurture it and care for it that feeling tends to grow and blossoms into what we call Love. True love..to me, is one of those fairytales - where it's love at first sight. Your eyes meet with the other person across the room and there's an immediate connection - a connection so deep, you almost feel your souls touch...and you both know at that given moment in time that you've found your life partner. There is no greater Magick than that!! Either way...Love is Love, it's just how it finds you that makes it different for all of us. Now back to the whole pessimistic / bigot thing...since when did love have anything to do with how much the other partner makes or what class we fall into with them...he's out of my league...she's out of my league type thing. So what if one or the other is out of your league - literally who gives a fuck other than those who have nothing better to do than talk shit...usually cause they're jealous cause you have what they don't have. Love is about what two people feel for eachother and that's all that should matter. To hell with the hypocrits, the pessimistics and the bigots...fuck em' cause they don't know shit. If you spend too much time worrying about what everyone else is thinking - you'll do nothing more than let Love slip you by and to me that's a waste! You had it...only to lose it and all because you cared more about what other people think and less of what the two of you feel and share. Are those people really worth losing Love for? I think not.. I should've been a damn physcologist huh?!

I'm inspired to write this blog..because it agrravates me that people I know, love and care about end up in relationships that didn't have any grounds to begin with. They say Trust is earned...and I'm a true believer in that! I mean don't get me wrong..I don't automatically distrust a person. I'll trust a person in the beginning just as much as I trust the average stranger - which isn't much by the way!! Trust is not be given freely..to do so - is down right stupid. Now how does this all fit into what I started to write about in the beginning?! A WHOLE Fucken Lot actually!! Why do people go from one relationship...right into another, without a fucken grace period?! I mean..whatever happened to the whole "gettin to know you stage"?! Why go from one fucked up relationship and move right into another, whether the next relationship is fucked up or not - why get into it at all?! Why not just take a breather, relax, enjoy life, live each moment a day at a time and let it all come to you. Why try and fill that void with another relationship....like that's going to make your life all better. Are we that desperate, that we consistly have the need to have to be with someone to make life meaningful?! No one person aside from yourself..is ever going to make your life worth living. Life is what you make of it..and it can be as bad as you want it to be - or as good as you want it to be. At the same time - it's not given to you on a silver platter! You have to work at your life to make it what you want. If you want to be a success..you surround yourself with successful people or a successful environment...if you want a beautiful life..surround yourself with beautiful people. And this whole faith and believing in someone has everything to do with a relationship. If I was interested in someone and that person didn't have it in themselves to have faith in me or believe in me...then guess what - that's not the person to be with! Why waste your breath and energy trying to manipulate it so that it brings out the desired result that you want - that being making the person believe in you. If they didn't beleive in you in the beginning...trust me, somewhere along the lines of your relationship - something is going to come up..and your back to the whole lack of faith situation again. Get over it! Move on...be with someone who can believe in you from the start..rather than believing in you cause you used "Magick" to make it so. Magick for your info..the powers that be...man, I don't care whether you're a believer, a practitioner or whatever..magick is not meant to fix everything in your life!! For fucks sake...shit happens...it's a part of life! But you can't expect to conjur shit to fix every little thing. It doesn't work that way - now you're just abusing the powers!! Yeah...yeah..yeah..I sound so fucken negative right?! Whatever happended to giving the person the benefit of the doubt right?! Well..guess what...that's what the whole getting to know you stage is all about. It's about giving the person, the relationship the benefit of the doubt...but if you're going to skip all that and move right in to the whole serious shit - then you're headed down a very rocky road my friend! And...while we are on that subject - what one does in the beginning of any relationship...speaks for what will happend somewhere along the lines in that relationship..hint hint...the lack of faith issue. You need to go into relationships with both your eyes..and your heart. Think with your heart...don't confuse it with that "wet" feeling you get in between your legs when you think of the person or when you're with that person. That's lust people...big difference. Ok..so they have some good traits that the others who preceded him/her didn't have - but is that enough to jump the gun?! And don't give me the whole speil of I like him / her..and besides I think I can help them somewhere in their lives - that's short for..okay so they're not relationship material...but the wet feeling in between my legs doesn't quite give a damn, I'll give it a go anyways. Hey..it's your fucken life! Get into it however you want to - I'm just the other person who cares so fucken much to try and make you see what you can't cause your too damn "hooked"!! In the end when it doesn't work out...and they break your heart...for the umpteenth time - I'm the girl who is gonna be there to say "I TOLD YOU FUCKEN SO"...then give you a shoulder to cry on..LOL.

Sometimes I'm not sure about this life I'm going through.. Sometimes I feel as though what I do, isn't good enough for you. Somtimes I try to tell you how I feel inside.. Other times I feel as though I need to hide. Sometimes the pain caused is too much to bear... Sometimes I feel I've reached the point where I'm not sure I care. Sometimes I feel as though I need to change who I am.. Just to pacify the situation and get through what we can. Sometimes I don't think you see me crying inside.. Sometimes I keep it behind closed doors Guess that makes it easier to ignore. Sometimes things may seem okay.. though in reality, I just pretend. Sometimes when the hurt is too much I wish for this life to hurry to an end.