There. Got that out of the way.
I married llw two years ago. I had been recently divorced, and the one blessing of that prior union was that we had decided we would not discuss having children for a period of five years. When the marriage dissolved almost exactly five years later, I reflected on how wise that decision had been.
I resolved not to enter into a relationship with anyone who had children. I had nothing against kids, I just didn't feel I would be a good father. I'm not patient, I frustrate easily, and I expect logic from those I deal with. Kids, as I am sure you know, don't mesh well with those expectations. But llw won my heart, and I agreed to marry her even though she had two children.
I wasn't stupid enough to think it would be easy. But I wasn't smart enough to realize how hard it would be either. The young girl, upon learning of our impending wedding, asked in all seriousness if I could be kept in the basement and have food sent down to me.
It's been a handful, but I love them dearly, even when they frustrate the living hell out of me. I don't think of them as step-children. They are my children, and I try to help them become good people. I try to do so in aloving manner, but I am firm when I need to be. I am fortunate enough to have llw to guide me and help me to be reasonable and fair.
I had thought I had make progress with them. I learned tonight that I haven't. Our boy has been lying, experimenting with drugs, and we recently found out that when he has friends over unsupervised, they delight in setting things on fire in the living room. None of this is acceptable, and so while I was at class tonight, llw laid down the law. He accepted no responsibility, instead claiming that the only reason he was being punished is because I am a member of the household. He claims he owes me no respect, nor should he have to obey me at all. He reminded llw that he only has to live with us until he is 16. All of this hurt me greatly when I learned of it, but it hurt llw even more.
Her life is complicated by my presence. I have no job, I make her interactions with the children more difficult, and I make her life more difficult in a variety of ways. Unfortunately, lately I am unable to see the ways in which I make it better. I love her, but maybe that's not enough.
I know this is largely depression talking, but their is a truth to all of this. Would she be better of without me? I strive to improve myself in the hopes that I'll become worthy of her, but who knows? I may never be, and she may come to feel the same way.
