lux's blog: "thinking outloud"

before i go to sleep tonight - thought id share with you another episode of me 'thinking outloud'.. this time im thinking about 'empathy'. Empathy is the idea of understanding how another person feels... ive always had a bit of an ability with that - and its not a good thing.. seriously - empathy isnt all its cracked up to be. Empathy for another human being means that you seriously do 'feel their pain'... practically literally - you know what they are going through.. but cant do much about it. my mom use to say it was like 'having your nerves laid out across the whole world.. and people walking around stepping on them.' .. that sums it up rather nicely actually. Now dont get confused... empathy is not the same as 'understanding'.. for example.. i feel for a person and what pain they are experiencing... but that doesnt mean i understand why they made the choices they did that led them there - and yes.. i still think of many.. sometimes even MOST people as irrational morons - that make choices id never make.. but i also have a gift for putting 'their shoes on'.. and realizing.. that their situation is painful - and nothing i do can change that - i look around and see my problems - i see theirs - i see the guy down the street - and everyone elses.. combined .. and eventually it all wears on me... and i get to a point where i cant deal. that my friends - is empathy. im sorry this may be a depressing topic - hell.. i know it is.. but see - what im trying to point out is more the fact.. that sometimes i wish i had no idea what it felt like to be another - wish i had no empathy at all - it seems to serve no real purpose other than magnifying my own personal feelings... hell - maybe i aint as damn gifted with it as i think --- maybe everyone feels it... maybe they just have a bit more finesse... more grace than i do about it - and dont sit and obsess about such things... ive always been analytical as hell. or.... like ive said =) maybe im just drunk - you guys should be aware by now.. the only time i add to this blog is when im pretty toasted =) but you also know.. i only say that to cover up my own insecurities with making a blog like this..... honesty isnt always the best policy - anyway.. nite all =) hope i didnt bum you all too much =)

a dangerous combination - and the kind that causes another episode of 'thinking outloud'... where i say exactly what im thinking - unfiltered - without consideration of if i really should be saying it or not... stream of consciousness bullshit at its best ladies and germs.. and im drunk.. which causes it =) im not in a vicious mood - for a change - nothing to bitch about =) nothing even stimulating to express... but im talking anyway *fun* im drunk on cheap ass wine and as you should know i now live in arizona... though i hardly leave the new apartment, cause honestly? i dont know where the fuck i am =) ok... sortof.. im in the northwest... ive seen downtown. I dunno.. i have to admit in a way im not overly impresssed by the town. Holy shit the construction - cant drive anywhere without it being a damn obstacle course. wait.... actually - i have to admit.. im loving this place =) It has its faults, rest assured everywhere does - but arizona is to me.. fucking beautiful... almost as beautiful as some of the girls i talk to on here =) seriously. its that kind of landscape... the mountains.. the palm trees .. the cactus - if someone were to not like the landscape.. the weather - id say youre dead.. =) *sips wine*... cheap ass white wine.. good though. *wonders to self if anyone will read this* *wonders if it would be better they hadnt =)* you know what id love to do - a shout out. to all the girls that rock on here...personally. you know what?.. i cant =) its a matter of order..... =) - i love you all - and you know that. you should anyway.. rest assured at the moment theres a few cherries close to my heart.. ive met some sweethearts def. and since im just saying whatever i think....... im tired of people bitching about internet love - fuck you. (oops.. here we go again)..... seriously though folks... if you fail to identify the type of person you are dealing with online... that falls on you - hey.. ive fallen for fakes - more than once.... but still...love is possible from an online relationship.. its happened with me.. it rocked =) what in the name of heck am i babbling about =) this has been thinking outloud with lux =) *sips wine* nite =)

life is a setup. there is no such thing as coincidence. our lives are written. now after we realize that - the real question is.. where is your story heading? =)

many of the girls i talk to on here i love to death - they make me laugh - they make me hard =) and theyre wonderful people... if you are one of those - you probably already know that. but then there are many others .. that are just plain cunts. not because they dont want me.. fuck if that has a damn thing to do with it.. more like they go out of their way to be rude like miss 'ive got 500+ fans.. but havent fanned anyone.' just because they think that makes them look cool.. it doesnt. i mean are you telling me that out of all the people here - you dont like a single one of them.. guy or girl.. enough to fan them? then wtf are you doing here? or miss 'everyone should rate me comment bomb me tell me im gods gift to mankind.. but im not going to do any of it back.' geez.. there are times that i dont fan someone.. or dont rate their page - but some girls just plain dont do it at fucking all.. and that is sad. what has society taught women? they dont have to do anything but sit and be pretty? .. oh.. right.. guess i answered my own ? you know there have been days ive talked to a girl for an hour or more.. and it never occured to them to go to my page? not once? wtf is that? i mean.. keep in mind that the entire time they were flirting with me... and interested..but not once were they even curious who the hell this guy is? i dunno.. maybe i was wrong - guess they were faking the interest - mustve been .. cause thats my only explanation for how you could sit and have a sexual convo with someone that long - and not even want to find out more about him.. maybe its just a girl thing ill never understand. i guess if i keep going with this ill just be slitting my own throat with it - 99% of the people on my list are girls - and lots of them are just the way im describing... what can i say - youre right i guess.. cause i added them, rated them.. and theyre still on my friends list - even though they didnt do it back.. but one thing to remember girls - if youre stuck up and think every guy wants you and you dont have to do a damn thing.... youre right..sortof.. they may want to fuck you --- but they sure as hell wont love you. get the drift? =).. guys fall in love with a sweetheart - not a cold cruel attention whore. to the girls that do give as much .. if not more than they recieve - you are the best girls in the world =) and you deserve the world for it - and you will get it... to the others.. well.. everything has its reward =) youll get yours too - in the end ;)

i dont get it. seriously.. i just dont..you all think that maybe ill say something to make me alright in your book? fuck that.. and fuck your book - fuck my book too.. do you get it?.. lets try again -- I WOULD FUCKING LIKE US TO BE REAL.. oh.. right.. we arent clear on what REAL is.. ok.. ill refresh.. real is unfucking unadulterated honest to abraham or god.. or whatever it is you feel that is important/sacred truth.. ok.. still not clear right? .. i mean. what u fucking feel.. in your heart of hearts.. geezus we only ended up with the expression 'heart of hearts' cuz no fucking one could figure out what their heart was.... u know.. 'human'. feelings. like.. alright lets get elementary.. like.. you feel something.. and it invokes some sort of an.... emotion we call it.. a FEELING? ever have that?... no.. grr. forget i ever threw it out there. im just trying to connect here.. and it aint working.. like.. you think something is.. say.. good.. and you go - wow.. that is good.. see - THAT.. is a feeling.. you feel it.. its there.. in your soul.. and you know its true.. not some fucking bullshit that the radio fed you.. or the t.v.. - i mean real.. honest to god (ok.. i know.. who is this god character.. and why do you keep talking about him...) whoever the fuckin christ you think is important - i dont care if its your mom/grandmother.. geezus.. at some point we've fucking got to agree that SOMETHING is important.. not just getting laid getting money and getting stoned - Guess the damn what! theres more. period. theres more to life folks - im serious - and you dunno how much i wanna get laid =) but the point is: i still know - theres more!.. theres more! if there wasnt more then why bother - seriously - getting laid.. rocks.. but then you wake up and go.. what the fuck do i do today?.. getting money :rocks. but still.. you'll have a sense of 'i really should achieve something.. not just sit here on my ass.. i want to know i DID something'.. ok.. so maybe you dont - but i DO.. i want to mean SOMETHING to someone.. not just be some asshole that made a million - and now we should all emulate him - cause after fucking all.. he made amillion.. so.. i mean,,, he must be smart right? fuck that.. fuck that all to hell - where is meaning people? where is doing SOMETHING with your life.. if you can sit there calmly with money.. and go.. fuck - i got $.. so what the hell does it matter.. well go ahead - but guess what.. id like to actually do some damn thing im proud of.. you know.. other than fucking some girl up the butt - something real.. alright.. im done. go on about your merry way. =)=) ... oh.. and be sure to tell me im 'negative'.. because i actually want something that means something other than an account with a bunch of zeros - bye

ive always had a great ability for talking.. i can do it perpetually really -- and i thought a blog would be a good place to get some of it out of my system. im sure theres very few people with the capacity to listen to the degree i can babble.. but who knows - if you wanna read - go right ahead =) first ive always considered my truthfulness to be my best quality.. i see every moment i speak as an opportunity to try for the most honesty im capable of.. to hide as little as possible. These blogs in this category 'thinking outloud' will be just that - as close to pure truth as i can give. today im thinking about my move out of michigan - which is just around the corner. im thinking about the fact that it seems im always running from my life - will moving to arizona change who i am, or the problems i face in my life - not really. I've always hated michigan.. but fact of the matter is.. its home. I was born here and ive lived here all but a few years of my life, its got no scene - nothing to really offer me.. or does it? This is my 'stomping ground', i know it like the back of my hand ( which is kind of a joke considering michigan is shaped like a hand..) My Christmas was always spent in a foot of snow.. and thats the way it should be i guess.. or at least thats what ive grown to think of as 'Christmas'. But really what im getting at is.. once again im just running away.. same as i ran away from lost cherry for a couple months.. same as about 10 years ago i ran away from a girl i loved... wait, technically she ran from me =) but so many years now ive looked back and thought - 'would i have really wanted that? would i have wanted to get married.. have kids.. picket fence.. shitty job? am i not actually damn lucky that i was dumped? afterall... im free.. right?' Free? well, im far from free in my single life.. i search for freedom but have none - you see, this is the part i usually see as 'my confession', its the part i always end up telling girls when they get close to me - i explain my situation.. when my mother was in her mid 30's she abruptly went blind.. and also (unrelated)lost most of her hearing. That isnt the confession, the confession is the fact that i live with her.. i have to.. and because of that i haven't even so much as dated in years and years. Ive felt suffocatedly trapped by it all. but thats just background stuff - see, when i move to Arizona she is going to live on her own... and i will be free.. so to speak. But im not really writing this to talk about that - im talking about running from your life.. and regrets. Regrets, ive found, are the opposite of 'giving thanks' - i've found that i say i have 'no regrets' because its pointless to think of the past as a bad thing.. it cant be changed. Yet, the truth is i regret almost everything - and to explain why that is the opposite of being thankful, if you regret what your choices - then you are at the same time neglecting what was given you because of those choices - if i regret going to art school - then im saying 'it wasnt worth what i got out of it'.. like so many movies have shown - you cant change one single aspect of your life without changing every other. It's hard to know if you would be better or worse in the exchange - so you should really just be thankful for what you have - hey, what can i say - i got a case of the damn 'holiday spirit'.. it makes me sappy. Moving to arizona is a copout in my mind - a quick fix, bandaid on all of the things that are wrong in my life.. the equivalent of going shopping to make yourself feel better. My problems will all still be there - and as much as i hate michigans weather.. this is my home - i'll miss it. I'll miss the snow that i hate.. and all of this is just the small stuff - what about that love of mine i lost some ten years ago - moving out west is just a way of closing that off, Blocking it off - and pretending it doesnt exist.. And what about all the friends - 100's .. maybe 1000's of people i know here.. gone.. and why? so that i can pretend that running away from my life will fix it? Anyway.. these are the things im thinking about tonight - dont get me wrong, i am moving - that is no question - but the question is if its really the right thing to do. Now.. on to another thing thats on my mind. I'm disgusted by this worlds disinterest in things that are meaningful. The world as a whole only is interested in money, sex, and meaningless fun - now dont get me wrong.. fun is fun =) but as i put these thoughts on this blog - i cant help but feel that they are 'out of place'. If you write a blog on here it should be about sex.. or maybe just post a video that made you laugh. well, fuck that - i mean.. one other reason i left cherry for awhile is that the whole thing started to get nauseating - the rating thing especially - im through with it.. to think i actually use to work to get 10's on my page - its all so meaningless. Well, i suppose it can help with peoples self esteem.. to see that they are loved by strangers - but come on folks.. now we've got people whos names have been changed to 'rate me a 10' etc. how can you gain any feelings of self worth when you are begging for ratings.. Its all rather silly to me, and so ive decided the hell with ratings - the hell with rank - rate my page if you feel like it - and i will if i feel like it. If i have to rate you a 10 to see your nudes - i probably will =) but i wish that everyone would just stop for a moment and think about what the world is turning into.. Music is the best indicator of this.. ever since rap music began the world has been more and more focused on money and meaningless sex - which yes, money is good, and meaningless sex.. i love, but please keep in mind - there is much more to life - like attaining something worthwhile - actually achieving something. I wish people wouldnt lose sight of whats important -- course - it seems thats a lost cause. Hell, who am i to decide whats important - i just know that the 'pop' music makes me sick to my stomach - it lacks substance.. feeling. Its dull and it only serves the heathenistec belief that money and fucking is all this world has to offer. I like both, but if thats all there is to this world - i wouldnt even want to be here - whatever happened to true feelings - people need to look at the big picture. Anyway, im starting to bore myself - this blog didnt turn out the way i expected.. but it is what i wanted it to be.. just me typing everything as i think it. I thought that this way - if someone wanted to know 'the real me' this would show them who that is.. every time i need to get some thoughts off my mind im going to put them in this blog - maybe the next one will be more interesting =) later all *hugs*