Kitten's blog: "Things To Enjoy"

Sex against a fence The husband leans over and asks his wife, 'Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind this very tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you.' 'Yes', she says, 'I remember it well.' 'OK,' he says, 'How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?' 'Oh Charlie, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!' A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble. So he follows them. The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence. The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in. Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground. The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know. After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The policeman is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing.I've got to ask them what theirsecretis. So, as the couple passes, he says to them,' Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?' Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply, 'Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence.' --------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A very sexually active woman tells her plastic surgeon that she wants her vagina lips reduced in size because they were flapping in the breeze. Out of embarrassment she insisted that the surgery be kept a secret and the surgeon agreed. Awakening from the anesthesia after the surgery she found three roses carefully placed beside her on the bed. Outraged, she immediately calls in the doctor. "I thought I asked you not to tell anyone about my operation!" The surgeon told her he had carried out her wish for confidentiality and that the first rose was from him: "I felt sad because you went through this all by yourself." The second rose is from my nurse. She assisted me in the surgery and empathized because she had had the same procedure done some time ago." And what about the third rose?"she asked. "Oh, that rose it's from a man upstairs in the burn unit. He wanted to thank you for his new ears."

>> > >THE MIRACLE OF TOILET PAPER >> > > >> > >Fresh from my shower, I stand in front of the mirror >> > >complaining to my husband that my breasts are too small. >> > > >> > > >> > >Instead of characteristically telling me it's not so, he >> > >uncharacteristically comes up with a suggestion. >> > > >> > >"If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece >> > >of toilet paper and rub it between them for a few seconds. " >> > > >> > >Willing to try anything, I fetched a piece of toilet paper and >> > >stood in front of the mirror, rubbing it between my breasts. >> > >"How long will this take?" I asked. >> > > >> > >"They will grow larger over a period of years", my husband replies. >> > >I stopped. "Do you really think rubbing a piece of toilet paper >> > >between my breasts every day will make my breasts larger over >> > >the years? " >> > > >> > >Without missing a beat he says "Worked for your butt, didn't it?" >> > > >> > >He's still alive, and with a great deal of therapy, he may even walk >> > >again, >> > >although he will probably continue to take his meals through a straw. >> > >Stupid, stupid man. >> >

A couple has a dog that snores. Annoyed that she can't sleep, the wife goes to the vet to see if he can help. The vet tells the woman to tie a ribbon around the dog's' testicles, and he will stop snoring. "Yeah right!" she says. A few minutes after going to bed, the dog begins snoring, as usual. The wife tosses and turns, unable to sleep. Muttering to herself, she goes to the closet and grabs a piece of red ribbon and ties it carefully around the dog's testicles. Sure enough, the dog stops snoring. The woman is amazed. Later that night, her husband returns home drunk from being out drinking with his buddies. He climbs into Bed, falls asleep and begins snoring loudly. The woman decides maybe the ribbon might work on him. So, she goes to the closet again, grabs a piece of blue ribbon and ties it around her husband's testicles. Amazingly, it also works on him! The woman sleeps soundly. The husband wakes from his drunken stupor and stumbles into the bathroom. As he stands in front of the toilet, he glances in the mirror and sees a blue ribbon tied around his testicles. He is very confused, and as he walks back into the bedroom, he sees the red ribbon attached to his dog's testicles. He shakes his head and looks at the dog and whispers, "I don't know where we were or what we did. But, by God, we took FIRST and SECOND place!" --------------------------------------------------------------------------------

John Smith started the day early having set his Alarm clock (MADE IN JAPAN) for 6am. While his coffeepot (MADE IN CHINA) Was perking, he shaved with his Electric razor (MADE IN HONG KONG). He put on a Dress shirt (MADE IN SRI LANKA), Designer jeans (MADE IN SINGAPORE) And Tennis shoes (MADE IN KOREA) After cooking his breakfast in his new Electric skillet (MADE IN INDIA) He sat down with his Calculator (MADE IN MEXICO) To see how much he could spend today. After setting his Watch (MADE IN TAIWAN) To the radio (MADE IN INDIA) He got in his car (MADE IN GERMANY) Filled it with GAS (from Saudi Arabia) And continued his search For a good paying AMERICAN JOB. At the end Of yet another discouraging And fruitless day Checking his Computer (Made In Malaysia), Joe decided to relax for a while. He put on his sandals (MADE IN BRAZIL) Poured himself a glass of Wine (MADE IN FRANCE) And turned on his TV (MADE IN INDONESIA), And then wondered Why he can't find A good paying job In AMERICA

Is there a magic cutoff period when offspring become accountable for their own actions? Is there a wonderful moment when parents can become detached spectators in the lives of their children and shrug, "It's their life," and feel nothing? When I was in my twenties, I stood in a hospital corridor waiting for doctors to put a few stitches in my daughter's head. I asked, "When do You stop worrying?" The nurse said," When they get out of the accident stage." My Dad just smiled faintly and said nothing. When I was in my thirties, I sat on a little hair in a classroom and heard how one of my children talked incessantly, disrupted the class, and was headed for a career making license plates. As if to read my mind, a teacher said, "Don't worry, they all go through this stage and then you can sit back, relax and enjoy them." My dad just smiled faintly and said nothing. When I was in my forties, I spent a lifetime waiting for the phone to ring, the cars to come home, the front door to open. A friend said, "They're trying to find themselves. Don't worry, in a few years, you can stop worrying. They'll be adults." My dad just smiled faintly And said nothing. By the time I was 50, I was sick & tired of being vulnerable. I was still worrying over my children, but there was a new wrinkle.... There was nothing I could do about it. I continued to anguish over their failures, be tormented by their frustrations and absorbed in their disappointments. My Dad just smiled faintly and said nothing. My friends said that when my kids got married I could stop worrying and lead my own life. I wanted to believe that, but I was haunted by my dad's warm smile and his occasional, "You look pale. Are you all right? Call me the minute you get home. Are You depressed about something?" Can it be that parents are sentenced to a lifetime of worry? Is concern for one another handed down like a torch to blaze the trail of human frailties and the fears of the unknown? Is concern a curse or is it a virtue that elevates us to the highest form of life? One of my children became quite irritable recently, saying to me, "Where were you? I've been calling for 3 days, and no one answered I was worried." I smiled a warm smile. The torch has been passed.

As I faced my Maker at the last judgment, I knelt before the Lord along with all the other souls. Before each of us laid our lives like the squares of a quilt in many piles; an angel sat before each of us sewing our quilt squares together into a tapestry that is our life. But as my angel took each piece of cloth off the pile, I noticed how ragged and empty each of my squares was. They were filled with giant holes. Each square was labeled with a part of my life that had been difficult, the challenges and temptations I was faced with in every day life. I saw hardships that I endured, which were the largest holes of all. I glanced around me. Nobody else had such squares. Other than a tiny hole here and there, the other tapestries were filled with rich color and the bright hues of worldly fortune. I gazed upon my own life and was disheartened. My angel was sewing the ragged pieces of cloth together, threadbare and empty, like binding air. Finally the time came when each life was to be displayed, held up to the light, the scrutiny of truth. The others rose; each in turn, holding up their tapestries. So fille d their lives had been. My angel looked upon me, and nodded for me to rise. My gaze dropped to the ground in shame. I hadn't had all the earthly fortunes. I had love in my life, and laughter. But there had also been trials of illness, and wealth, and false accusations that took from me my world, as I knew it. I had to start over many times. I often struggled with the temptation to quit, only to somehow muster the strength to pick up and begin again. I spent many nights on my knees in prayer, asking for help and guidance in my life. I had often been held up to ridicule, which I endured painfully, each time offering it up to the Father in hopes that I would not melt within my skin beneath the judgmental gaze of those who unfairly judged me. And now, I had to face the truth. My life was what it was, and I had to accept it for what it was. I rose and slowly lifted the combined squares of my life to the light. An awe-filled gasp filled the air. I gazed arou nd at the others who stared at me with wide eyes. Then, I looked upon the tapestry before me. Light flooded the many holes, creating an image, the face of Christ. Then our Lord stood before me, with warmth and love in His eyes. He said, 'Every time you gave over your life to Me, it became My life, My hardships, and My struggles. Each point of light in your life is when you stepped aside and let Me shine through, until there was more of Me than there was of you.' May all our quilts be threadbare and worn, allowing Christ to shine through! God determines who walks into your life....it's up to you to decide who you let walk away, who you let stay, and who you refuse to let go.' When there is nothing left but God that is when you find out that God is all you need. Father, God bless all my friends in whatever it is that you know they may need this day! And may their life be full of your peace, prosperity and power as he/she seeks to have a closer relationship with you. Amen.

I grew up in the 50s with practical parents. A mother, God love her, who washed aluminum foil after she cooked in it, then reused it. She was the original recycle queen, before they had a Name for it... A father who was happier getting old shoes fixed than buying new ones. Their marriage was good, their dreams focused. Their best friends lived barely a wave away. I can see them now, Dad in trousers, tee shirt and a hat and Mom in a house dress, lawn mower in one hand, and dish-towel in the other. It was the time for fixing things. A curtain rod, the kitchen radio, screen door, the oven door, the hem in a dress Things we keep. It was a way of life, and sometimes it made me crazy. All that re-fixing, eating, renewing, I wanted just once to be wasteful. Waste meant affluence. Throwing things away meant you knew there'd always be more. But then my mother died, and on that clear summer's night, in the warmth of the hospital room, I was struck with the pain of learning that sometimes there isn't any more. Sometimes, what we care about most gets all used up and goes away...never to return. So... while we have it... it's best we love it.... and care for it... and fix it when it's broken...... and heal it when it's sick. This is true. for marriage..... and old cars.... and children with bad report cards..... and dogs with bad hips... and aging parents..... and grandparents. We keep them because they are worth it, because we are worth it. Some things we keep. Like a best friend that moved away or a classmate we grew up with. There are just some things that make life important, like people we know who are special..... and so, we keep them close! I received this from someone who thinks I am a 'keeper', so I've sent it to the people I think of in the same way.. Now it's your turn to send this to those people that are "keepers" in your life Good friends are like stars... You don't always see them, but you know they are always there. Keep them close! REMEMBER THE TEN THINGS GOD WON'T ASK ON THAT DAY. 1... God won't ask what kind of car you drove. He'll ask how many people you drove who didn't have transportation. 2... God won't ask the square footage of your house, He'll ask how many people you welcomed into your home. 3... God won't ask about the clothes you had in your closet, He'll ask how many you helped to clothe. 4... God won't ask what your highest salary was. He'll ask if you compromised your character to obtain it. 5... God won't ask what your job title was. He'll ask if you performed your job to the best of your ability. 6... God won't ask how many friends you had. He'll ask how many people to whom you were a friend. 7.. God won't ask in what neighborhood you lived, He'll ask how you treated your neighbors. 8... God won't ask about the color of your skin, He'll ask about the content of your character. 9... God won't ask why it took you so long to seek Salv ation. He'll lovingly take you to your mansion in heaven, and not to the gates of Hell. 10... God won't have to ask how many people you forwarded this to, He already knows your decision

WRITTEN BY A 15 yr. old SCHOOL KID IN ARIZONA: New Pledge of Allegiance (TOTALLY AWESOME) ! Since the Pledge of Allegiance and The Lord's Prayer are not allowed in most public schools anymore Because the word "God" is mentioned.... A kid in Arizona wrote the attached NEW School prayer : Now I sit me down in school Where praying is against the rule For this great nation under God Finds mention of Him very odd. If Scripture now the class recites, It violates the Bill of Rights. And anytime my head I bow Becomes a Federal matter now. Our hair can be purple, orange or green, That's no offense; it's a freedom scene. The law is specific, the law is precise. Prayers spoken aloud are a serious vice. For praying in a public hall Might offend someone with no faith at all. In silence alone we must meditate, God's name is prohibited by the state. We're allowed to cuss and dress like freaks, And pierce our noses, tongues and cheeks. They've outlawed guns, but FIRST the Bible. To quote the Good Book makes me liable. We can elect a pregnant Senior Queen, And the 'unwed daddy,' our Senior King. It's "inappropriate" to teach right from wrong, We're taught that such "judgments" do not belong. We can get our condoms and birth controls, Study witchcraft, vampires and totem poles. But the Ten Commandments are not allowed, No word of God must reach this crowd. It's scary here I must confess, When chaos reigns the school's a mess. So, Lord, this silent plea I make: Should I be shot; My soul please take! Amen "Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away." BRIGHT ANGEL BLESSINGS!! STAR

A well-known speaker started off his seminar by: holding up a $20.00 bill. In the room of 200, he asked, "Who would like this $20 bill?" Hands started going up. He said, "I am going to give this $20 to one of you but first, let me do this. He proceeded to crumple up the $20 dollar bill. He then asked, "Who still wants it?" Still the hands were up in the air. Well, he replied, "What if I do this?" And he dropped it on the ground and started to grind it into the floor with his shoe. He picked it up, now crumpled and dirty. "Now, who still wants it?" Still the hands went into the air. My friends, we have all learned a very valuable lesson. No matter what I did to the money, you still wanted it because it did not decrease in value. It was still worth $20. Many times in our lives, we are dropped, crumpled, and ground into the dirt by the decisions we make and the circumstances that come our way. We feel as though we are worthless. But no matter what has happened or what will happen, you will never lose your value. Dirty or clean, crumpled or finely creased, you are still priceless to those who DO LOVE you. The worth of our lives comes not in what we do or who we know, but by WHO WE ARE and WHOSE WE ARE. You are special - Don't EVER forget it." If you do not pass this on, you may never know the lives it touches, the hurting hearts it speaks to, or the hope that it can bring. Count your blessings, not your problems. "And remember: amateurs built the ark .. professionals built the Titanic. If God brings you to it - He will bring you through it. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------