Jim's blog: "things n stuff"

i love this guy. George Carlin's Solution to Save Gasoline: President Bush wants us to cut the amount of gas we use. The best way to stop using so much gas is to deport 11 million illegal immigrants! That would be 11 million less people using our gas. The price of gas would come down. Bring our troops home from Iraq to guard the border. When they catch an illegal immigrant crossing the border, hand him a canteen, rifle and some ammo and ship him to Iraq . Tell him if he wants to come to America then he must serve a tour in the military. Give him a soldier's pay while he's there and tax him on it. After his tour, he will be allowed to become a citizen since he defended this country. He will also be registered to be taxed and be a legal patriot. This option will probably deter illegal immigration and provide a solution for the troops in Iraq and the aliens trying to make a better life for themselves. If they refuse to serve, ship them to Iraq anyway, without the canteen, rifle or ammo. Problem solved. If you think this is a good solution to both the problems, forward it to your friends. I just did. George Carlin

The parking space. Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place. Looking up to heaven he said, "Lord take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of me life and give up me Irish Whiskey!" Miraculously, a parking place appeared. Paddy looked up again and said, "Never mind, I found one."

Golfing with the Lil Woman A man staggered into a hospital with a concussion, multiple bruises, two black eyes, and a five-iron wrapped tightly around his throat. Naturally, the doctor asked him, "What happened to you?" "Well, I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when at a difficult hole, we both sliced our balls into a cow pasture. We went to look for them and while I was looking around, I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end." "I walked over, lifted its tail, and sure enough, there was a golf ball with my wife's monogram on it stuck right in the middle of the cow's butt." "Still holding the cow's tail up, I yelled to my wife, 'Hey honey, this looks like yours!'" "I don't remember much after that."

Last night, my wife and I were sitting in the living room talking about many things. The idea of a living will came up and I said to her, "I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If I ever come to that just pull the plug." She got up, unplugged the TV and then threw out my beer. Bitch...... :Þ

1.Beer is always wet. Vagina needs a little work. One point to BEER 2.Warm beer tastes awful. One point to VAGINA 3.A really cold beer is satisfying. One point to BEER 4.If after taking a swig of your favourite beer you find a hair between your teeth, you may vomit. One point to VAGINA 5. If you get home reeking of beer your wife may get mad, make a scene, kick you out, etc. If you get home reeking of vagina your wife may get mad, kick you out, even leave you. There's definitely a point to be had here, depending on your point of view and personal circumstances. I'll just call it a DRAW for the time being. 6. Ten beers in one night and you can't drive home. Ten vaginas in one night and you don't want to drive anywhere. One point to VAGINA 7. If you have a lot of beer in a public place, your reputation may suffer. If you eat any vagina in public, you become a legend. One point to VAGINA 8. If a cop stops you and you smell of beer you may get arrested. If you smell of vagina he may buy you a beer. One point to VAGINA 9. You normally don't find old beer. One point to BEER 10. Too much beer and you'll think you see flying saucers. Too much vagina and you'll think you've seen God. One point to VAGINA 11. Ripping off a beer bottle label is boring. Ripping off panties is fun. One point to VAGINA 12. In most countries there's a tax on beer. One point to VAGINA 13. If you have another beer the first one never gets pissed off. One point to BEER 14. You can always be sure if you're the first one to open a bottle or a can. One point to BEER 15. If you shake beer it'll get all agitated but eventually it settles down. One point to BEER 16. With beer you always have choice: clear, dark, pilsner,ale,lager,etc One point to BEER 17. You always know how much beer is going to cost One point to BEER 18. Beer doesn't have a mother One point to BEER 19. Beer never expects to be hugged for half an hour after you drink it One point to BEER FINAL SCORE: BEER: 10 VAGINA: 8 That's it! The matter is settled, the clear winner is: BEER PS: If you are a woman and at this point feel angry, degraded or discriminated against, just remember that Beer would experience none of those feelings, let alone express them, an extra point for BEER

MILITARY WIT AND WISDOM -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- "A slipping gear could let your M203 grenade launcher fire when you least expect it. That would make you quite unpopular in what's left of your unit." - Army's magazine of preventive maintenance. ------------------------------------------------------ - Instruction printed on US Rocket Launcher "Aim towards the Enemy." ------------------------------------------------------ "When the pin is pulled, Mr. Grenade is not our friend. - U.S. Marine Corps ------------------------------------------------------ "Cluster bombing from B-52s are very, very accurate. The bombs are guaranteed to always hit the ground." - USAF Ammo Troop ------------------------------------------------------ "If the enemy is in range, so are you." - Infantry Journal ----------------------------------------------------- "It is generally inadvisable to eject.... Directly over the area you just bombed." - U.S. Air Force Manual ------------------------------------------------------ "Whoever said the pen is mightier than the sword obviously Never encountered automatic weapons." - General Macarthur ----------------------------------------------------- "Try to look unimportant; they may be low on ammo." - Infantry Journal ------------------------------------------------------ "You, you, and you . Panic. The rest of you, come with me." - U.S. Marine Corp Gunnery Sgt. ------------------------------------------------------ "Tracers work both ways." - U.S. Army Ordnance ----------------------------------------------------- "Five second fuses only last three seconds." - Infantry Journal ------------------------------------------------------- "Don't ever be the first, don't ever be the last, and Don't ever volunteer to do anything." - U.S. Navy Swabbie --------------------------------------------------- "Bravery is being the only one who knows you're afraid." - David Hackworth ------------------------------------------------------- "If your attack is going too well, you're walking into an ambush." - Infantry Journal -------------------------------------------------------- "No combat-ready unit has ever passed inspection." - Joe Gay ------------------------------------------------------ "Any ship can be a minesweeper. Once." ------------------------------------------------------ "Never tell the Platoon Sergeant you have nothing to do." - Unknown Marine Recruit ------------------------------------------------------- "Don't draw fire; it irritates the people around you." - Your Buddies ------------------------------------------------------- "If you see a bomb technician running, follow him." - USAF Ammo Troop ------------------------------------------------------- "Though I Fly Through the Valley of Death , I Shall Fear No Evil. For I am at 80,000 Feet and Climbing." - At the entrance to the old SR-71 operating base Kadena , Japan ------------------------------------------------------- "You've never been lost until you've been lost at Mach 3." - Paul F. Crickmore (test pilot) ------------------------------------------------------- "The only time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire." ------------------------------------------------------- "Blue water Navy truism: There are more planes in the ocean than submarines in the sky." - From an old carrier sailor ------------------------------------------------------ "If the wings are traveling faster than the fuselage, it's probably a helicopter -- and therefore, unsafe." ------------------------------------------------------- "When one engine fails on a twin-engine airplane you Always have enough power left to get you to the scene of the crash." ------------------------------------------------------- "Without ammunition.... The USAF would be just another expensive flying club." ------------------------------------------------------- "What is the similarity between air traffic controllers and pilots? If a pilot screws up, the pilot dies; If ATC screws up, .. The pilot dies." ------------------------------------------------------- "Never trade luck for skill." ------------------------------------------------------- The three most common expressions (or famous last words) in aviation are: "Why is it doing that?", "Where are we?" And "Oh S...!" ------------------------------------------------------ "Weather forecasts are horoscopes with numbers." ------------------------------------------------------- "Progress in airline aviation: Now a flight attendant can get a pilot pregnant." ------------------------------------------------------- "Airspeed, altitude and brains. Two are always needed to successfully complete the flight." ------------------------------------------------------- "A smooth landing is mostly luck; Two in a row is all luck; Three in a row is prevarication." ------------------------------------------------------- "I remember when sex was safe and flying was dangerous." --------------------------------------------------------- "Mankind has a perfect record in aviation; We never left one up there!" ------------------------------------------------------- "Flashlights are tubular metal containers kept in a flight bag For the purpose of storing dead batteries." ------------------------------------------------------- "Flying the airplane is more important than radioing Your plight to a person on the ground incapable of Understanding or doing anything about it." -------------------------------------------------------- "The Piper Cub is the safest airplane in the world... It can just barely kill you." - Attributed to Max Stanley (Northrop test pilot) -------------------------------------------------------- "A pilot who doesn't have any fear probably isn't... flying his plane to its maximum." - Jon McBride, astronaut -------------------------------------------------------- "If you're faced with a forced landing, fly the thing as far into the crash as possible." - Bob Hoover (renowned aerobatic and test pilot) -------------------------------------------------------- "Never fly in the same cockpit with someone braver than you." ------------------------------------------------------- "There is no reason to fly through a thunderstorm in peacetime." - Sign over squadron ops desk at Davis-Monthan AFB, AZ, 1970 ------------------------------------------------------------------- "If something hasn't broken on your helicopter, it's about to." --------------------------------------------------------- Basic Flying Rules: "Try to stay in the middle of the air. Do not go near the edges of it. The edges of the air can be recognized by.... the appearance of ground, buildings, sea, trees and interstellar space. It is much more difficult to fly there." ------------------------------------------------------- "You know that your landing gear is up and locked ... when it takes full power to taxi to the terminal." -------------------------------------------------------------- As the test pilot climbs out of the experimental aircraft, having torn off the wings and tail in the crash landing, the crash truck arrives, the rescuer sees a bloodied pilot and asks "What happened?". The pilot's reply: "I don't know, I just got here myself!" - Attributed to Ray Crandell (Lockheed test pilot)

History lesson Humans originally existed as members of small bands of nomadic hunters/gatherers. They lived on deer in the mountains during the summer and would go to the coast and live on fish and lobster in the winter. The two most important events in all of history were the invention of beer and the invention of the wheel. The wheel was invented to get man to the beer. These were the foundations of modern civilization and together were the catalyst for the splitting of humanity into two distinct subgroups: 1. Liberals 2. Conservatives Once beer was discovered, it required grain, and that was the beginning of agriculture. Neither the glass bottle nor aluminum can were invented yet, so while our early humans were sitting around waiting for them to be invented, they just stayed close to the brewery. That's how villages were formed. Some men spent their days tracking and killing animals to B-B-Q at night while they were drinking beer. This was the beginning of what is known as the Conservation movement. Other men who were weaker and less skilled at hunting learned to live off the conservatives by showing up for the nightly B-B-Q's and doing the sewing, fetching, and hair dressing. This was the beginning of the Liberal movement. Some of these liberal men eventually evolved into women. The rest became known as girlie-men. Some noteworthy liberal achievements include the domestication of cats, the invention of group therapy, group hugs, and the concept of Democratic voting to decide how to divide the meat and beer that conservatives provided. Over the years conservatives came to be symbolized by the largest, most powerful land animal on earth, the elephant. Liberals are symbolized by the jackass. Modern liberals like imported beer (with lime added), but most prefer white wine or imported bottled water. They eat raw fish but like their beef well done. Sushi, tofu, and French food are standard liberal fare. Another interesting evolutionary side note: most of their women have higher testosterone levels than their men. Most social workers, attorneys, journalists, dreamers in Hollywood and group therapists are liberals. Liberals invented the designated hitter rule because it wasn't fair to make the pitcher also bat. Conservatives drink domestic beer. They eat red meat and still provide for their women. Conservatives are big-game hunters, rodeo cowboys, lumberjacks, construction workers, firemen, medical doctors, police officers, corporate executives, athletes, Marines, sailors, airmen, soldiers, and generally anyone who works productively. Conservatives who own companies hire other conservatives who want to work for a living. Liberals produce little or nothing. They like to govern the producers and decide what to do with the production. Liberals believe Europeans are more enlightened than Americans. That is why most of the liberals remained in Europe when conservatives were coming to America. They crept in after the Wild West was tamed and created a business of trying to get more for nothing. Here ends today's lesson in world history: It should be noted that a Liberal may have a momentary urge to angrily respond to the above before forwarding it. A Conservative will simply laugh and be so convinced of the absolute truth of this history that it will be forwarded immediately to other true believers and to more liberals just to make them mad.

THINGS YOU NEVER KNEW YOUR CELL PHONE COULD DO. There are a few things that can be done in times of grave emergencies. Your mobile phone can actually be a life saver or an emergency tool for survival. Check out the things that you can do with it: FIRST Subject: Emergency The Emergency Number worldwide for Mobile is 112. If you find yourself out of the coverage area of your mobile; network and there is an emergency, dial 112 and the mobile will search any existing network to establish the emergency number for you, and interestingly this number 112 can be dialed even if the keypad is locked.Try it out. SECOND Subject: Have you locked your keys in the car? Does your car have remote keyless entry? This may come in handy someday. Good reason to own a cell phone: If you lock your keys in the car and the spare keys are at home, call someone at home on their cell phone from your cell phone. Hold your cell phone about a foot from your car door and have the person at your home press the unlock button, holding it near the mobile phone on their end. Your car will unlock. Saves someone from having to drive your keys to you. Distance is no object. You could be hundreds of miles away, and if you can reach someone who has the other "remote" for your car, you can unlock the doors (or the trunk). Editor's Note: It works fine! We tried it out and it unlocked our car over a cell phone!" THIRD Subject: Hidden Battery Power Imagine your cell battery is very low. To activate, press the keys *3370# Your cell will restart with this reserve and the instrument will show a 50% increase in battery. This reserve will get charged when you charge your cell next time. FOURTH How to disable a STOLEN mobile phone? To check your Mobile phone's serial number, key in the following digits on your phone: * # 0 6 # A 15 digit code will appear on the screen. This number is unique to your handset. Write it down and keep it somewhere safe. When your phone get stolen, you can phone your service provider and give them this code. They will then be able to block your handset so even if the thief changes the SIM card, your phone will be totally useless. You probably won't get your phone back, but at least you know that whoever stole it can't use/sell it either. If everybody does this, there would be no point in people stealing mobile phones. FIFTH Cell phone companies are charging us $1.00 to $1.75 or more for 411 information calls when they don't have to. Most of us do not carry a telephone directory in our vehicle, which makes this situation even more of a problem. When you need to use the 411 information option, simply dial: (800) FREE 411, or (800) 373-3411 without incurring any charge at all. Program this into your cell phone now.