Sierra's blog: "Therapy"

Ok, so it's like 5:00am on a Tuesday morning... just woke up (thanks to stomach issues).  Missy Renee' was my babygirl, she was part Chihuahua and part Jack Russell.  The smartest and loving (emotional) dog I have ever had the pleasure of knowing.  You see, she was picked out by my Jessica...my daughter who passed away back in 2008.  I gave her the name Missy, because I had this fuzzy tennis ball thing on my key chain, and when she was about 6 weeks old, she took my keys by that stupid ball, and took off with them.  I yelled at her.. where you do you think you're going with my keys, little Missy! The name stuck.. Jessica gave her, her middle name of Renee'.  They were inseperable.  When Jessica died, Missy would sit and wait at the front door, anytime she heard the school bus.  She was just sit there, for hours... I would try to feed her, and she refused to eat.  Wound up having to force feed her sugar water and pedialyte.  This went on for about 3 weeks after Jessica died.  She actually developed ulcertaive colitis, because of the stress she was going through.  Countless vet visits...a few times she had to get put in ICU, due to loss of blood.  She was wayyyy more than "just a dog" to me.  She had this orange ball..she loved it, got her one in blue...same ball..just blue..never played with it..only the orange ball would do.. Oh! and how she loved to chase the lazer light..and when she would get tired of chasing it, she would just bark at it.  She passed away on 9/5/19.. it's been a struggle.. She was  2 days shy of 16 years and 3 months old.  sucks..hurts...feels like I've been gut punched, every time I wake up..and she's not here... 16 years! I know I should be thankful for those years, and I am... I was just wanting her to make the new world record for the oldest dog.. yes I'm greedy like that.  

Think I'm going to pause here....and to be continued... 

So this will be a form of therapy for me.  I really don't know where else to go with this, other than a real shrink and let's be honest, people can't afford to see one of those these days.  Mom passed away on 9/19/17 this month.  Dad passed away 4/14/15.  Their 50th wedding anniversary will be 11/24/17.  I keep telling myself to be happy that they are going to spend it together, but.. I am still crying my eyes out alot.  Mom suffered from Alzehimer's and now her battle is over.. part of me says I should be greatful that she isn't suffering anymore (because the last 2 weeks of her life, she was just existing, couldn't talk, couldn't eat, and was in alot of pain from the Osteoporsis in her hip.)  I know that she wanted to go, she even told me so, but I can't help feeling this heartache that she is gone.  I cry over stupid Mom commercials I see on TV.  I get mad at myself because I know mom wouldn't want me to be sad, because she is just where she wants to be.  Idk if I'm being greedy, I just wanted her to hang around a few more years (she was only 64).  Before she went to where she couldn't talk, one of our last conversations was that she wanted to go home and be with dad, because she missed him soo much.  She was 12 when she met him, and they got married when she was only 14...... She grew up with him.  She had a terrible father, he use to beat her up, broke her arm, stabbed her mother with a steak knife.. .a truly awful man.  So in a sense my dad saved her from him.  I have a wonderful job, the people that I work with bought me a plane ticket, and I got to see her before she went catatonic, and I got the chance to tell her that I loved her... I am very thankful I got that chance... but as I am writing this now, tears fill up my face... I've lost alot in my life... Jessica, Dad, and now my Mom... I am very familiar with this type of heartache.. of loss.. but for the first time I am conflicted... She got her wish.. to be with dad... but it still hurts soo much.. Idk what to do with this heartache... it freaking sucks