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OK, so I tend to complain a lot. And one of my pet peves is lazy, selfcentered, inconsiderate morons, who refuse to pull forward when they are done at the fuel island. They go in, grab a cup of joe, a burger at the dive, or even grab a (Not so,) quick shower while everyone is trying to get fuel at the busiest time of the morning. So after the 2nd or 3rd time this happens in a row, I go off. I run in raising cain to the fuel desk girl, the guy at the gas desk, the tire guy, even the indegent hanging around to hitch a ride. Thus it happened. Crabby was born.
This happened over the next couple of months. Each time by the time I had left, I issued another sheepish apology. At this time no one person stood out as the highlight of my visits, but that night, the night it all began, SHE entered my consciencousness. She looked at me after swiping my rewards card to cover my coffee and uttered the words that penetrated my very soul. With her searching eyes, she asked me, "Why are you always so crabby?" I don't know if it was the tone of her voice, or the seemingly longing look on her round, freckled face. But THAT was the beginning of tbe end. The end of Crabby. The end to my resistance to that beauty behind the tough exterior. I saw a vulnerability that seemed to cry out,"There's so much more to you than this!" My heart melted. And though I didn't realize it at the time. My heart had stated that freefall which would end in what became first wonder, then fear, then tragedy in a span of less than 6 months.
Next time: " The touch."
Maybe it's true. I guess I knew she had started to feel that way. That's why I kept trying to talk to her. Just to say I'm sorry, and goodbye. I swear I would, and never will hurt her, or anyone she cares about. I love her too much. I really have no right to love her at all. I told her from the start that I had been married for over 30 years. The night she told me she had decided to divorce her husband I explained that I did not believe in divorce, nor could I ever get one. I did this and several other things to sabotqge myself in her eyes because I thought she had seen how I felt about her. I actually was afraid I might have made her decision easier. I knew if I were right, I probably wouldn't be able to resist her.
Suppose it worked too good. Next thing I know, we are never alone again. She either stayed behind the counter, or found another area of the store to be in. It never occured to me that my actions were really worthy of setting the "Creepometer" to screaming. Never got to say goodbye. Left after actually talking to her husband.(Know he thought I was totally wack because I was truly glad to see him.) That morning when I'm sitting in the safety manager's office explaining why he was getting a phone call from the truck stop manager, It finally sunk in. Each thing they told me he had described was like another twist of the knife. Had I really done that. I would have beaten the living you know what out of some one who had done that to her or any other person that worked there or the other fule stop I hit each night.
OK, I know what you are thinking,(I think.) I have totaly stirped every last gear in the box. Why would you ever put this down in a public blog. I guess the biggest reason is that I have actually broken no laws. No one ever actually came out and said, "Look, get lost creep!" untill that night. I guess another reason is because I truly have gotten lost. She never even knew, and I will never once even get to tell her with my own voice that I, not loved, but love her. So I guess this blog will serve as my chance to tell my side of the story. This will be my way of getting some form of closure. I am dumb. I have been stupid(Dumb on purpose.). But I'm not crazy It will be tough, but I have friends at the other stop who know everything, and still love me. They have promissed to warn me if I start to cross any lines they are uncomfortable with. So let the therapy begin. Next installment. "Crabby's In The House. The Story Begins."
