Wyldcard Jokester CP Enforcer's blog: "The Wyld Life..."

Ok, I've mentioned this story in lounge before, but figured it'd be funny as hell to mention in my Blog too, beings anyone I've ever told this story to had laughed their ass off...it deals with my experience going to a sperm bank.

First, however, let me give you a little background as to how I ended up going there. It's been almost a year since I got laid off from my job, and a few weeks after it happened, my wife and I were scrambling around, trying to figure out how we were going to pay our bills. At the time, I was already donating plasma (yes, I was already whoring out one bodily fluid for cash...why not another? :p ), and apparently, my brother-in-law had mentioned to my wife something about a sperm bank in the city where I lived...an anonymous sperm donor program where if you got in, you'd go in and continually donate for 9 months regularly, could donate twice a week, and get $40 to $55 each donation.

Figuring it out in her head that this would be about $320 to $440 a month, it piqued my wife's interest. When my wife mentioned it to me, wanting me to go check it out, I was resistant. I pictured a bunch of guys all sitting around waiting in a waiting room, awaiting their turn to go whack off in a cup, which turned me off on the idea...but she was working all the time, and at the time was also helping a friend run paper routes to earn extra cash as well, while I was at home with the kids, and I felt like i needed to do more to help our financial situation, so I reluctantly agreed to call, and set up an appointment.

So, I go there, feeling very self-conscious when I first walk through the doors. They have me take a seat, in a small private room, to fill out all my various info...it is totally different than I expected...I don't see any of the other donors. After filling everything out, I am told I have to donate twice for free for "testing purposes" before I would be considered for the program. I am then handed a cup, and told to go into a little room. In this room, I kind of stand there for a moment, feeling very out of place. There is a comfortable chair, facing a TV, and next to it are some kind of paper sheet, which I assume are to be set on the chair to avoid "drippage". In a cabinet are a bunch of porn magazines. Opting for the TV option, I turn it on, and there is a porn movie playing, of course.

Now, my daring reader, I'm not sure exactly how into porn you are, but I will say, going by MY experience, sperm banks have DAMN good porn...which is actually a good thing because, due to not being able to use lubricant, for fear of contaminating the sample, ya kinda have to dry-stroke yourself off. So, I pull down the pants, whip it out, and proceed to have sexual relations with a plastic cup while watching some damn good porn. It takes me awhile to finish, but I finally do.

Now, comes the most awkward part...the turn-in. The lady behind the counter when I came in was old enough to have at least been my mother, if not my grandmother, so I was not looking forward to this. As I was walking out, obsessing about handing some strange lady a cup of my man-juice, I had a weird, very random thought pop into my head that actually made me start laughing aloud as I walked up to the desk, and the lady behind the counter gave me a look that led me to believe she probably thought I was crazy or high. This random thought I had was, "Here ya go...freshly squeezed...I made it myself.." :p

Anyway, she gave me a sharpie marker to write my last name and the exact time my sample was taken, and set up a time for my second free donation later that week. So, I'm leaving...I walk out into the parking lot, feeling very self-conscious again, as if every passerby in their cars, or walking on the street knew exactly what I'd been doing, beings I just walked out of the place. See, the sperm bank is located down in the college district right near all the student housing. I kept thinking on my way to the car that some frat boy was going to see me, stick his head out his window, point at me, and yell at the top of his lungs, "HEY, JACKER!" and start laughing, but that never happened. Thinking about it later, I figured probably alot of those guys go to the place too...after all, college kids need SOME way to get beer money. :p

Anyhow, the process is repeated a few days later, and a couple days after that, I receive a phone call. The lady on the phone informed me I would NOT be accepted into the donor program, because apparently, my swimmers did not survive the deep freeze. (Spermcicle, anyone? :p ) She then informs me that I can try again in one year's time, if i want. This made me wonder...why would they think the result would change over the year? It's not like I can put my spermies on an extreme work out regimen to get them more buff, and I'm not gonna ice my balls for a year to try to acclimate em to the cold. :p You'd figure even after a year, the result would probably be the same.

Anyhow, six months pass, and I get a little card in the mail. It is a reminder note, letting me know that in April, I can return to try again. I laugh, because at the bottom of this card, in script, were the words, "We Miss You!" Wow, I guess those two times i went and whacked off in a cup for them, caused them to develop some sort of emotional attachment, eh? Hell, if i wanted that, I coulda just become a paid gigalo, and screwed some lady til she got knocked up (If there was a market for overweight, unemployed graphic artists, that is...). *laughs*

So, anyway, next month will be a year since I visited the sperm bank, and I guess I'll have to decide if I want to try again, beings we are still in somewhat dire financial straits yet. Aside from the whole money thing, I've been weighing the pros and cons.

Cons: having to use gas to drive all the way down there twice, feeling embarrassed and self conscious, just to hand over a cup of semen to a lady who will more than likely tell me my "stuff isn't up to snuff".

Pros: They really DO have damn good porn there...

Hmmm...tough decision. :p

*grins*

~Wyld