Bondage Fairy's blog: "The simplest truths are the biggest lies"

It took 11 yrs for me to reach this point, but it finally happened. Seems some ppl have been holding their breath waiting for it. I had my oldest son when i was 15 and his father was 20. I dumped that fool when i was 4 months along because he couldn't hold a job and didn't seem to understand that he was going to be responsible for another life. Since then, for the most part, i've been the "nice one". He has other children by other women. I don't talk bad about him in front of his son, never demand my child support (he owes me about 40 thousand), never talk down to him in front of the boy (which generally means we don't speak), let him keep the boy longer, have him extra weekends, occasionally provide transportation for the boy to go over there, and basically try to keep the peace the 20 mins i'm forced to spend with him every month. This weekend he said that if the roads were bad on saturday he'd be keeping him until sunday. Normally that would be fine since he's supposed to have him until sunday anyway (he never keeps him that long). This weekend I told him that i HAD to have him back by 4 on saturday because he had something to do with the BSA. I told him if the roads were BAD, i'd come get the boy. Turns out the roads were fine. He calls @ 345 and wants to know if i'm coming to get the boy. Gave me some crap about how his mom didn't want to make 2 trips. I informed him that the roads were fine, if he needed me to come get the boy he should have called earlier, and that HE was the boy's father and he needed to get his ass here now. When they finally show up an hour later i didn't say anything to him. He tells me picking the boy up is a hardship on his mother. That's when i went off. He's 31, no job, no DL, no car, lives with his momma, and has 4 kids he's not taking care of. I informed him that if it was a hardship on his mother that he needed to get a job, get a DL, and get a car. He said that it wasn't that easy. I then pointed out that i was 26, been raising that boy w/o any help from him for 11 yrs, owned my own home, and worked 2 jobs, so i wasn't feeling sorry for him. He started to whine about his mom again. That's when the following came out of my mouth: "It's not your mother's job to take care of this child. If i remember correctly i was fucking YOU when i got pregnant, not your mother. If it's a hardship on your mom, get a job and a car. He's your kid, not hers. If that's too hard for you, just don't come back until you get it done." The whole time i was going off on him i'm trying to get my son into his scout uniform. My mom's staring @ me with her mouth open. And my son, goddess bless him, looks @ his father and says "yeah!". I know i shouldn't have done it...or i should have picked a better time to do it. But DAMN! it felt good to finally tell him off. Now i know why steph does it all the time. :)

ok. this is completely random, even for me. I saw a picture of 2 turtles fucking yesterday and it reminded me of a guy i was...well, fucking, until recently. I know that sounds crass, but even with all his "I love you"'s and other bullshit, we never were in a relationship. Anyway, it surprised me for several reasons. 1. i've never seen turtles fucking before. 2. i wanted to copy the pic and email it to him because it was funny and reminded me of him. 3. that is not normal behavior for me. After we stopped...seeing eachother, i spent a few days royally pissed off @ him. A few more royally pissed off @ myself for believing his bullshit. Then i got over it. I deleted his phone numbers, pictures, emails, email address...yadda yadda yadda. I can honestly say i have no desire to see him again, no desire to speak to him (not even to tell him off, and that surprised even ME), and certainly no desire to have him cross my mind ever again. Yet, here i was, laughing my ass off and thinking i should send this to him cause he would love it. You have to understand, this was a recent ending for me and it hurt alot for like 2 whole days. I was disturbed by this...nice i guess is the right word...thought. Now, i'm betting that anyone who bothers to read this will wonder why a picture of 2 turtles fucking would remind me of a guy. Does he look like a turtle you ask? Well, maybe just a little. Mostly is was because his favorite phrase was Turtlefucker. Yes, you heard me, Turtlefucker. (it's kind of fun to say isn't it? you should randomly insert it into conversations to see the reaction you get, it's great) The whole time we were...seeing eachother, i was trying to find a pic like that for him. Now i found one. And while i DID NOT send it to him, i did keep a copy for myself to remind me of the randomness of life and how even bad things can leave behind pleasent memories. :) That concludes our random thought for the day ladies and gentlemen. Tune in next time to see what kind of fucked up shit crosses my mind in the course of a day. :)

It's a new year, and so you'd think, a new begining. I'd thought so too. I'd thought, FINALLY! I was wrong of course. I think we usually are about those kinds of things. For so long I haven't felt...anything really. I've been numb for 6 yrs. Only my children have been able to spark any kind of feeling in me. Then, out of the blue, something came along and unleashed the whole specutrum. Surprise, interest, joy, love, I felt like i was high (or losing my mind). And then hurt, confusion, and anger. I let it all out. I've worked so hard, for so long, not to feel. Not to let anything, or anyone, in. It crept up on me. I didn't want it to happen, certainly didn't expect it to. I couldn't control it. I dont' know what brought it on, at the time i didn't think anything could stop it. Like a damn had burst. It had been so long since i'd allowed myself to be anything other than indifferent. I had forgotten how good it felt, then i remebered how bad. The sad part is, this time, it was automatic. I didn't have to THINK about it. Like a door blown by a strong wind slams shut. It happened so quickly, it actually took a couple of days to figure out what was wrong. What was suddenly different, yet so familiar. I didn't have to work to supress like before. I KNOW that there are things going on around me that I should care about, that should bother me or make me smile. Nothing does. I guess it's a defense mechanism, perhaps I should be grateful. I think I should be happy, but I can't think of any reason why. Maybe I should be angry or annoyed or something... I just don't care enough, CAN'T make myself care anymore. I've gotten so good at plastering smiles on my face when necessary, frowning when I need to. I can laugh on cue and even though I think it sounds fake as hell (because it is) everyone else seems to believe. Maybe it's better this way. From what i've seen, and recently felt, maybe i'm lucky. Maybe one day i'll start to feel again, and it won't be a bad thing. I guess only time will tell. But for now...

My aunt died today. It was not unexpected. She had cancer for a long time. We thought she had beat it, but it came back. I know what people will say. It's better this way, she's not suffering anymore, she's in a better place. It's all crap. Yes, it's true she had cancer and it's true she was in pain. It's also true that she FOUGHT it. She wanted to LIVE. She wanted to grow old with her husband. She wanted to watch her gradson grow up. She wanted to see her children achieve everything they wanted in life. It's easier for US now. We don't have to see her pain. We don't have to watch her suffering anymore. We don't have to watch that beautiful caring woman waste away. I don't know if she's in a better place or not. I do know that THIS place is a little worse without her.

I am exceptional and I am nothing. I'm not tall or short, fat or thin, ugly or beautiful. I am sweet and cruel, quiet and loud, shy and outgoing. I am simple and complex. I will love you with all my heart while I make you cry. When you make me cry, I will love you more. I will make you my world today and tomorrow you will not exist. I will always want you, but never need you. I will tell you the truth to hide the lies. I will always believe you but I will never trust you. I tell you to trust me and not trust in myself. I will be your best friend and your worst enemy...I have always been my own worst enemy.

It's stupid really. A silly little reminder of what will never be. Oh, I can laugh and smile and pretend it's all ok. In fact, that's exactly what I plan to do. I just need a little time to compose myself. It's getting harder and harder to do. What I want to do is cry. Maybe it's fear. I'm afraid of what will happen if I stay, afraid of what I'll miss if I leave. What if it's true? What if it's another lie? These questions run through my head. I ignore them as best I can. I feel like i'm dying inside. Soon there will be nothing left. It hurts after finally feeling ALIVE after all this time. For so long there was nothing. Then the flood came, now it's gone. Do you notice something different in the way I smile or when I look at you? Do you really notice me at all? Do you see the pain or do I hide it too well? If suddenly wasn't there, would you notice that? You know the truth. If I told you I felt nothing, would you call me on it? If I said goodbye, would just accept accept that? If I tried to walk away, would you let me go? Is there any point to staying? I guess it doesn't matter. We'll know soon enough, one way or the other.