The cold hard truth!
Well... maybe not completely, but it is a bit! Don't deny if fuckers.
----------------- Bulletin Message -----------------
From:
Baron Samadhi von Coppockalypse, PhDDate: 1/17/2007
http://blog.myspace.com/baronsamadhi
People post and repost bulletins about "Sexxxy" Zodiac Signs. The Baron hates them all. Here is a side-by-side comparison of "Anonymous Moron's Sexxxy Astrology" and the Baron's own estimable take on the matter,
The Sexual Failings of the Zodiac "Anonymous Moron" tells us:
"Below are true descriptions of zodiac signs, with traits from a book written 35 years ago by an astrologist predictionist."
The Baron is an accredited "predictionist" himself, so let's do a little compare and contrast, shall we?
ANONYMOUS MORON:
ARIES:. The sex lover
Outgoing. Lovable. Spontanious. Not one to #### with. Erotic. Funny. Take you on trips to the moon in bed. Excellent kisser EXTREMELY sexy. Loves being in long relationships.=) Addictive. Loud. best in bed. 16 years of abd luck if you do not repost.
BARON:
Aries: The Ram*
Dont get me wrong. Its not so much that no one wants to have sex with you. Its just that no one ever wants to have sex with you again. People find your confidence attractive until they realize its based on nothing but an edited history of failure. Perhaps being a pushy, defensive mess has enabled you to emotionally bully enough past partners into corroborating your side of the story. You are singularly capable of presenting a sexually confident image without any ability whatsoever to back it up. Good for you! Bad for them!
Early ejaculation alert!*
ANONYMOUS MORON
Taurus:
Aggressive. Freak in bed. Rare to find! Loves being in long relationships.=] Likes to give a good fight for what they want. Extremely outgoing. Sexy as ........ Loves to help people in times of need. Outstanding kisser. Very funny. Awesome personality. Stubborn. Sexual as ......... Most caring person you will ever meet! One of a kind. Not one to #### with. Are the most sexiest people on earth! 15 years of abd luck if you do not repost.
BARON:
Taurus: The Bull
Ah yes. A fine meal, some entertainment, the right music and a luxurious bed-spread. I can hear the crickets chirping. Yes, this may be the time of night when the genitals come out. Its too bad that all that staging cant disguise a basic insensitivity to all but the crudest physical sensations. Whether its Bach or Barry Manilow playing, with Taurus it still comes down to the wet game of meat-on-meat. All that faux romance is just setting up their potential partner for Taurus ultimate sexual fantasy: to have a nice, thick, freshly marinated cut of steak (or tofu, for veggies!) slowly wiped up and down their generous form. Oral sex indeed.
ANONYMOUS MORON
GEMINI:. Does Twosomes
Nice. Love is one of a kind. Great listeners Very Good in bed. Lover not a fighter, but will still knock you the #### out. Trustworthy. Always happy. Loud. Talkative. Outgoing VERY FORGIVING. Loves to make out. Has a beautiful
BARON
Gemini: The Twins**
Geminis have a reputation for liking sex constantly. This has led some deluded fools to the belief that Geminis are hyper-sexual mavericks. Not so. Geminis make up for quality with quantity. Geminis like sex all the time because each session lasts anywhere from 2-4 minutes. Was it good for you? No. Hell no. This need to constantly do it is a pitiful and ill-fated attempt to replace quality with quantity, which, as we have learned from the morbidly obese, simply does not work.
**Small weiner alert.
ANONYMOUS MORON:
CANCER:. The Cutie
MOST AMAZING KISSER. Very high ### appeal. Great in bed!!! Love is one of a kind. Very romantic. Most caring person you will ever meet! Entirely creative. Extremely random and proud of it. Freak in bed. Spontaneous. Great tellin stories. Not a Fighter, But will Knock your lights out if it comes down to it. Someone you should hold on to. 12 years of abd luck if you do not repost.
BARON:
Cancer: The Crab***
Where to begin? Cancers tend to live in their own worlds, and in these worlds, things are a little different than the one that you and I live in. They have issues with attachment. For example: In Cancers world, surprise anal sex is just a way to say, "I care about you SO MUCH." So if you find that your Cancer partner is interested in spicing up your love life, just remember that to them, ball-gags and beatings mean a picket fence and marriage.
***Deformed dong warning!
ANONYMOUS MORON:
LEO:. The Lion in bed
Great talker. Sexy and passionate. Laid back. Knows how to have fun. Is really good at. Great kisser. Unpredictable. Outgoing. Down to earth. Addictive. Attractive. Loud. Loves being in long relationships. Talkative. Not one to mess with. Rare to find. Good when found. 7 years of abd luck if you do not repost.
BARON:
Leo: The Lion
Though it is painful for the Baron to admit, Leos are not technically bad at sex. But as with everything else Leo does, has done, and will do, it is completely ruined by their egotism. Nothing kills the moment like a Leo pausing mid-thrust/lick to tell you about what they just did and how cool it was. In particularly talky cases, the Leo may go onto how it relates to who they are as a person, what they believe, where theyre going in life and... Shut up. Shut it. The Baron recommends ball-gagging a Leo before you have sex with it.
ANONYMOUS MORON:
VIRGO:. The Virgin
Dominant in relationships. Sexy. someone loves them right now. Freak in bed. Always wants the last word. Caring. Smart. Intellectual. Attractive. Loud. Loyal. Easy to talk to. Hard to forget Love at first sight. Everything you ever wanted. Easy to please. The one and only. Ultimate sexiness. 7 years of abd luck if you do not repost.
BARON:
Virgo: The Virgin
Many Virgos will be swift to tell you that they're not virgins! Ha-ha ha-ho. True, most are not virgins, but they ARE terrible at sex. Virgos are afflicted with a crippling sexual insecurity that lends itself either to a fearful form of chastity or a hideously overcompensated form of promiscuity. The promiscuous form brings all the pleasure of robotics to the act of sexual intercourse. They mechanically perform their role with inanimate sub-ecstasy.
ANONYMOUS MORON:
LIBRA: The lame lover
Very pretty. Very romantic. Nice to everyone They meet. Their Love is one of a kind. Silly, fun and sweet. Have own unique sexiness. Most caring person you will ever meet! Amazing n Bed..!!! Did I say Amazing in Bed? not the kind of person you wanna #### with... u might end up crying... the most irresistible. 9 years of abd luck if you do not repost.
BARON:
Libra: The Scales of Justice
Suave and debonair or the sly coquette, theres nothing that terrible about sleeping with a Libra, other than the fact that you are probably the 3rd out of 5 people they will fuck that night. Yay infidelity! Yay STDs!
ANONYMOUS MORON:
SCORPIO:. The sex addict
Can be mean. EXTREMELY sexy. Intelligent. Energetic. Predict future. Most erotic. (Freak in bed.) (GREAT kisser.) Always get what they want. Sexy. Attractive. Easy going. Loves being in long relationships. Talkative. The sexiest ever....Romantic. Caring. 4 years of abd luck if you do not repost.
BARON:
Scorpio: The Scorpion
Thank god for sluts. Good, honest, old fashioned brain-in-the-genitals-not-worth-a-shit-outside-the-bedroom sluts. The men and women of Scorpio may be a decaying morass of imploding failure in every other area of life, but they ARE good to fuck. Try one yourself. Just make sure to slip out in the middle of the night, because you DO NOT want to be there during when they wake up. Trust the Baron. The Baron knows.
ANONYMOUS MORON:
SAGITTARIUS:. The Sexy one
Spontaneous. Horny. Freak in Bed. High appeal. Rare to find. Great when found. Loves being in long relationships. The one. So much love to give. Not one to mess with. Very pretty. Very romantic. Nice to everyone They meet. Their Love is one of a kind. Silly, fun and sweet. Have own unique sexiness. Most caring person you will ever meet! Amazing in Bed..!!! Did I say Amazing in Bed? Not the kind of person you wanna with you might end up crying. 4 years of bad luck if you do read
BARON:
Sagittarius: The Centaur
Sagittarius tends to combine the egotism of Leo with Aries' lack of prowess. Theyre the total package, and theyre out to let you know. Sagittarius has a truly interesting capacity to assume that they are the spitting image of the popular sex symbol of the day. A male Sagittarius looks in the mirror, sees Brad Pitt, and walks through the rest of his day thinking I AM Tyler Durden. The fact that hes mediocre looking and cant fight or fuck makes no difference whatsoever. The same goes for the ladies of Sagittarius. No girls, youre not Brittany Spears, youre some bitch buying pictures of her at the grocery store.
ANONYMOUS MORON:
CAPRICORN The passioate Lover
Love to bust. Nice. Sassy. Intelligent. Sexy. Predict future. Irrestible, awesome kisser. Loves being in long relationships. Great talker. Always gets what he or she wants. BY FAR the BEST in BED. Very sexy. Coolest. Loves to own Gemini's in sports.
Extremely fun. Loves to joke. Loves to be your first. So you'll never forget. Smart. 24 years of abd luck if you do not repost.
BARON:
Capricorn: The Sea-Goat
Capricorn, like Janus, Januarys dual-faced monthly guardian, has two opposing sides: horniness and self-control. You would think that would work. You would think that Capricorn would be able to parlay these gifts into a controlled yet passionate explosion. You would think. But in truth Capricorn generally needs you to help overcome their self-control. The only thing that lets you get past Capricorns iron fisted control of their pants-pockets is generally good, old fashioned suffering. A Capricorn must either make you suffer until their twisted libido is roused or be utterly dominated to the point where they need take no responsibility for their urges. Fucked up. Fuck-ed up.
ANONYMOUS MORON:
.:AQUARIUS:. Does it in the water
Trustworthy. Sexy. Great kisser. One of a kind. Loves being in long-term relationships. Extremely energetic. Unpredictable. Will exceed your expectations. Not a Fighter, But will Knock your lights out. Amazing in bed, THE BEST LOVERS BETTER THAN EVERYONE! 2 years of abd luck if you do not repost. smile. Generous. Strong. ULTRA SEXY. THE MOST IRRESISTABLE. 9 years of abd luck if you do not repost.
BARON:
Aquarius: The Water-Bearer
Aquarius approaches sex with a cool, scientific detachment. Consciously or not, they tend to regard sex as an anthropological experiment. I suppose the actual act is alright if you dont mind being interrupted to discuss the theoretical implications of penis/vagina, penis/penis, or vagina/vagina time.
ANONYMOUS MORON:
.:PISCES:. The Piece of ass
Caring and kind. Smart. Center of attention. Too Sexy, DAMN IT. Very high ### appeal. Has the last word. The best to find, hardest to keep. Fun to be around. Freak in the sheets. Extremely weird but in a good way. Super good in bed. Good Sense of Humor!!! Thoughtful. A partner for life. Always gets what he or she wants. Loves to joke. Very popular. Silly, fun and sweet. 5 years of abd luck if you do not repost.
BARON:
Pisces: The Fishes
The only way you are getting into Pisces fishy drawers is if you are willing to play a role in their insane personal drama. If the Pisces believes that either you are a God, Goddess, angel, demon, Bilbo Baggins or Cinderella, you might just have a decent roll in the hay. On the other hand, if you would like to keep you emotional life from complete and utter destruction, I'd steer clear.
If you enjoyed this piece of bitter tripe, then check out the Baron's blog for weekly revelations.
http://blog.myspace.com/baronsamadhi
-Der Baron
