There are ways to go about life on how you want to be.... Thats the greatest gift that was givin to us when we were created... We all have a choice on how much of an ass we want to be and how nice we want to be...
But i want to share something with all of you... First i want to start out with a question... If you love someone so much... And you know for a fact that the person you love isnt going to make it much longer... What do you do? Do you get out before you end up hurting so bad that you simply cant bare living anymore? Or do you stick around and stay with her till the very end?
This is the choice that we as human beings were blessed to have... The freedom of free will... You have sat alone for days contemplating about it... What should you do? Ahhhhh who am i kidding?( you say.) I love her so much... And i made a promise to her... I promised that i would be there for her forever... Long before i knew about her illness..
The days with her are painfull... Sometimes you feel as if you cant even breath... All you can think about is her going away... You want to cry so bad... But you cant... You want the rest of her time here on earth to be happy... Everytime you look at her you notice how pale her skin gets... But her smile is still the most beautiful thing you have ever saw... The moment is perfect... You look at her and just sigh with grief..
I love you...
Those are the words you hear coming from her mouth as she holds you and smiles... How can she just pretend like nothing is wrong? Because the thought never leaves your mind were ever you go... You know that she is going to die... A picture of her laying in a wooden box is all that you see.... But you take a deep breath....
I love you too my darling daisy....
Thats what i used to call her... When you stare into her eyes... With just the right amount of light you see daisy peddles flaring all around her pupils... She had a way of capturing you when ever you look into her eyes like magic.. You just couldnt resist....
As she puts her head on your sholder and hugs you so hard you tend to go numb.... But you cant feel a thing... Your mind is so far off into space... So you hug her back... You want to capture that moment and hold on to it forever... You dont ever want it to end... So while you hold her,, tears seem to make there way out.... But she doesnt know that your crying just yet... It wasnt until you shake really bad and quiver when she notices it by hugging you tightly... Your knees get weak... You cant stant up anymore... The pain is just to unbareable.. She watches you fall to the floor crying as hard as yo can.... Please God dont let her go... PLEASE.. PLEASE..PLEASE. Please dont take her from me...
God knows what Miranda could be thinking right now... She is watching you break down when you need to be strong for her.... But you cant bare it anymore... You cant live without her.... Why is this happening? Is this punishment for the selfish pride of being a warrior? Please God tell me why....
But all you can hear are the weak wimpers and huffs coming from Miranda as she starts to cry... She just noticed just how much you really love her... And the pain of going away from him was unbareable for her too... So she grabs you by the arms trying to pull you up... But you still cant stand... So the only thing she does is kneel down with you and hold you until you get yourself together...
For hours it seemed like i held Miranda... Rocking back and forth crying endlessly until I tired myself out... Its one of the few memories that never leaves my thoughts... She really cared for me... And loved me....
Months would pass as if they were like minutes... I never left her side unless i was working.... They were the best memories of my life...
I got a call oneday at work... It was Miranda mother... Miranda had been rushed to the hospital... She fainted in her room... And her mother found her lying on the floor...
Im on my way..
This is it... This is the moment that you need to prepare yourself for... I told myself... There was a gut feeling my my heart that Miranda"s time was near... So i rushed to the hospital as fast as i can... Walking through the hallways felt like i was walking the green mile... As I reached the I.C.U i started to enter the room... Her mom put her hand on my sholder was i walked in... The doctor had just told me that she wont make it through the night..
There she was... Laying under this thin white blanket with more plugs and wires coming out of her looking like my dvd player.. This cant be real, i told myself... But the forces of reality would be quick to remind me that this was...
Her parents left the room so i could talk to her.... As i approched her,, she softly said, ,why r u crying? You knew this moment would come...
I know baby.
But i dont want you to go...
I need you here with me...
Josh?
I want you to promise me something..
Sure babe.. what is it?
i want you to promise me that youll keep that strong pride you have...
Thats the reason i feel for you in the first place...
And i want you to promise me that you will not give up on love..
That when you have the oppertunity,,, you will give your heart away to the one your falling for..
Baby i cant promise that..
I love you
I dont want anybody else.. I just want you..
Nobody but you...
Josh.. you half to keep on living and keep your heart open... Youll miss out on so much... And i want you to promise that you wont do anything stupid to yourself...
The tears were so heavy on my cheeks... They ran down so fast... I couldnt catch them all when i would wipe my face of with my hand...
Ok babe... I promise..
Another lie your just told her.... But all you want is her happyness. So you will say anything to keep her at ease...
I love you Josh was the last thing she said to me... I watched the heart moniter go from a scraggly line to a simple straight line...
But it didnt end there... She grabbed my hand and held it as tightly as she could..
As i felt her life force fade she would only grab my hand and squeeze even harder... It was the when i noticed that she didnt want to go... But she couldnt fight it... She went away from me.... There was nothing i could do to stop it...
I thought i was perpared.. But the pain was inconcieveable to bare... I had never cried so hard..
For 2 hours i held what was left of my precious Miranda... Rocking back and forth,, crying endlessly... Screaming and huffing like i was dieing or something.... Day after day... Night after night this image plays over and over in my head like a vhs casset that keeps rewinding itself when its over... Ill always remeber her... Her silky smooth brown hair... Her dark brown eyes.. Her life giving smile.. Everything... But most importantly... Ill remember her words most... I had the chance to share time and space with someone that God himself designed just for me... Not only was i blessed... I was devinely favored..
True love is almost non existant in this world anymore.... People lie to get what they want with the opposite sex... But know this... When you find such a blessing in your life... Cherish every moment... As if they were your last together... We men over populate this world by 88%... So if you have a woman in your life... Cherish her... Love her.. Be true to her... Just because she is a woman... She is the best thing you have... Dont loose that fire for eachother... And never ever lay your hand on her... She is more fragile than you think...
Yes i was selfish... But who am i to question the will of God... It was her time... I tried to take my life on countless accounts... But God wont let me go... So i will continue on in this world as long as it takes...
Ill see her again... When she went away.. It wasnt good by... It was see you later...
it took me to go through this to notice the greatest things in life... Take this to heart... And remember ... Never question the will of God.. I learned the hard way... I love you guys...
Love,
Joshua Murphy
