Miss Kiki's blog: "The L word"

I decided last night that if my most current flirtation is not all that it seems, I didn't care. I didn't want to know the reality of it. All I cared about was the fantasy of it. If he decided he had no feelings for me whatsoever, I would rather he just disappear than try to crush me on the way out. Now I start seeing things that test that and I doubt my resolution. Part of me really does want to stick to it. But can I?

I want to stop thinking. I want to stop thinking about HIM. I want to stop worrying that I'm always making bad decisions. I want to stop second guessing myself. I want to stop being redundant. I want to stop making jokes when I'm in the middle of a serious thought. I want to stop praying for the same things all the time. I want to stop crying unless they are happy tears. I want to stop believing in love if I'm not likely to find it. I want to stop doubting that I really will find love. I want to stop analyzing every single song I hear, wondering if anyone has ever heard it and thought of me. I want to stop wondering if anyone ever thinks about me at all. I want to stop subjecting my friends to mindless rants guised as blogs. I want to stop wondering what to have for lunch. I want to stop worrying about how to say no when I used to say yes. Any ideas?

Stay If this world is wearing thin And you're thinking of escape I'll go anywhere with you I'll do anything it takes But if you try to go alone Don't think I'll understand Stay with me, stay with me In the silence of your room In the darkness of your schemes There among the souvenirs And the useless memories When your pride is on the floor I'll make you beg for more

Turn down the lights Turn down the bed Turn down these voices Inside my head Lay down with me Tell me no lies Just hold me close Don't patronize Don't patronize Cuz I can't make you love me If you don't You can't make your heart feel Something it won't Here in the dark In these final hours I will lay down my heart And I'll feel the power But you won't No you won't Cuz I can't make you love me If you don't And I'll close my eyes Then I won't see The love you don't feel When you're holding me Morning will come And I'll do what's right Just give me til then To give up this fight I will give up this fight

The disclaimer: For the one who will surely read this, I'm just purging I swear. I've said recently that I have never been in love. That's not entirely true. The truth is, I know no one has ever loved me. Tears ever present Loneliness all consuming The bitter anguish of hopelessness I pray constantly. I beg for a sign, a sense of direction. I know that my heart is good and that I have every right to share it. I don't know that sex is necessarily the culprit. I've always believed that my body is all they would allow me to give. Anything else I give would have too much emotion in it...and no one wants that. I'm not afraid of being alone. Just sick of it.