Hermit of OZ's blog: "the Hermit's mindless Ramblings"

Newly issued alcohol warnings

The Outer Zone board of Health has proposed that warning signs be placed on all alcohol bottles to tip off drinkers about the possible peril of drinking a pint or two of any alcoholic beverage.

1. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to wake up with a breath that could knock a buzzard off a wreaking dead animal that is one hundred yards away.

2. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like an idiot.

3. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story over and over again until your friends want to assault you

4. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to thay shings like thish.

5. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the boss what you really think of him.

6. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burn on the forehead.

7. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, handsomer and smarter than some really, really big guy named Psycho Bob.

Why Men Can't Win -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- If you work too hard, there is never any time for her. If you don't work enough, you're a good-for-nothing bum. If she has a boring repetitive job with low pay, it's exploitation. If you have a boring repetitive job with low pay, you should get off your ass and find something better. If you get a promotion ahead of her, it's favoritism. If she gets a job ahead of you, it's equal opportunity. If you mention how nice she looks, it's sexual harassment. If you keep quiet, it's male indifference. If you cry, you're a wimp. If you don't, you're insensitive. If you make a decision without consulting her, you're a chauvinist pig, you bastard. If she makes a decision without consulting you, she's a liberated woman. If you ask her to do something she doesn't enjoy, that's domination. If she asks you, it's a favor. If you try to keep yourself in shape, you're vain. If you don't, you're a slob. If you buy her flowers, you're after something. If you don't, you're not thoughtful. If you're proud of your achievements, you're an egotist. If you're not, you're not ambitious. If she has a headache, she's tired. If you have a headache, you don't love her anymore, and you must be sleeping around.

 What a Guy Really Means When He Says...
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"It's a guy thing." Really means.... "There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical."
"Can I help with dinner?" Really means.... "Why isn't it already on the table?"
"Uh huh," "Sure, honey," or "Yes, dear." Really means.... Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response.
"It would take too long to explain." Really means.... "I have no idea how it works."
"That's interesting, dear." Really means.... "Are you still talking?"
"You know how bad my memory is." Really means.... "I remember the theme song to 'F Troop', the address of the first girl I ever kissed and the Vehicle Identification Numbers of every car I've ever owned, but I forgot your birthday."
"I do help around the house." Really means.... "I once put a dirty towel in the laundry basket."
"Hey, I've got my reasons for what I'm doing." Really means.... "I sure hope I think of some reasons pretty soon."
"What did I do this time?" Really means.... "What did you catch me doing?"
"I heard you." Really means.... "I haven't the foggiest clue what you just said, and am hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don't spend the next 3 days yelling at me."
"I missed you." Really means.... "I can't find my sock drawer, the kids are hungry and we are out of toilet paper."
"I don't need to read the instructions." Really means.... "I am perfectly capable of screwing it up without printed help."

I was going to go on a rant about religion again but~but my personal diety said I should post a joke instead~ You know you work in Corporate America in the 90's if... You sat at the same desk for 4 years and worked for three different companies. You worked for the same company for 4 years and sat at more than 10 different desks. You've been in the same job for 4 years and have had 10 different managers. You order your business cards in "half orders" instead of whole boxes. When someone asks about what you do for a living, you can't explain it in one sentence. You get really excited about a 2% pay raise. You use acronyms in your sentences. Your biggest loss from a system crash is that you lose your best jokes. You sit in a cubicle smaller than your bedroom closet. It's dark when you drive to and from work. Fun is when issues are assigned to someone else. The word "opportunity" makes you shiver in fear. You see a good looking person and know it is a visitor. Free food left over from meetings is your main staple. Weekends are those days your significant other makes you stay home. Being sick is defined as can't walk or you're in the hospital. Art involves a white board. You're already late on the assignment you just got. Dilbert cartoons hang outside every cube and are read by your co-workers only. Your boss' favorite lines are "when you get a few minutes" or "when you're freed up". You read this entire list and understood it.

okay now I just took a long road trip 7 hours ( old truck doesn't have AC so yes that is a long trip) anyway got to thinkin about some crimminals and the way we deal with there crimes 1. Drug Smugglers~ citzens get what a few years in Jail? foringers get deported or maybe spend some time in prison. ( nothing against these folk personaly but Charge Citzens with treason( and shoot them) foriengers try them as sabtours ( and Shoot them) 2 drug dealers agian charge them with treason ( and Shoot them) Unless they agree to pay taxes on the money they made 3 pedophile make them unichs( Chop the offending member off no pain killers) 4) Rapist hang them by the testicles until dead ( or if you can't stand the screaming shoot them) 5) Murders depend on who they killed (some folks just need killing) 6) Drunk Drivers~take away their cars~make them move to a dry county for a period of time depending on the severity of the case Okay so I'm a lttle blood thirsty~ you spent 7 hours in a truck with no AC and to top it off it has the old style bench seats. then having to turn around and drive back the same night so you can make it to work on time~ you would be a little testy too.

okay not realy blank

A fellow bought a new Mercedes and was out on an interstate road for a nice evening drive. The top was down, the breeze was blowing through his hair and he decided to open her up. As the needle jumped up to 80mph he suddenly saw a flashing red and blue light behind him. ''They'll never catch me,'' he thought to himself and opened her up further. The needle hit 90, 100 110 and finally 120 with the lights still behind him. ''What in hell am I doing?'' he thought and pulled over. The cop came up to him, took his license without a word and examined it and the car. ''I've had a tough shift and this is my last pull over. I don't feel like more paperwork so if you can give me an excuse for your driving that I haven't heard before you can go!'' he said. ''Last week my wife ran off with a cop,'' the man said, ''and I was afraid you were trying to give her back!'' ''Have a nice night,'' said the officer.

It's a guy thing. -- There is no rationale or logic, and I don't feel like trying to come up with any. "Uh huh," "Sure, honey," or "Yes, dear." -- I'm conditioned to agree, but it doesn't mean I'm listening. "That's interesting, dear." -- I acknowledge that you're STILL talking. "Honey, we don't need material things to prove our love." -- I forgot our anniversary again. "You know how bad my memory is." -- I remember the theme song to 'F Troop,' the address of the first girl I ever kissed and the Vehicle Identification Numbers of every car I've ever owned, but I forgot your birthday. "Hey, I've got my reasons for what I'm doing." -- It's a guy thing. (see above) "What did I do this time?" -- I hope you haven't been checking my e-mail. "I heard you." -- I heard words coming out of your mouth, and now you can stop talking. "I don't need to read the instructions." -- It's my right to do this my way and screw it up on my own. ~~~~~~ So I'm still bored, computer lagging so bad I can't stalk~ Windows VISTA BYTES I want my XP back

Just another silly because I can't think of anything to write~ A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she stayed by his bedside every single day. When he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer. As she sat by him, he said, "You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you gave me support. When my health started failing, you were still by my side... You know what?" "What dear?" She asked gently. "I think you bring me bad luck."