R m's blog: "The Hell That Is My Life"

In my desperation to find people to date, I put a profile up on True.com.... I guess I'm TRUEly pathetic to have to resort to an online dating site.... Well, in my time having the profile up (weeks or so?), I've gotten all of 3 e-mails from people anywhere near Jacksonville.... for the most part it's 50yr olds in Montana or some shit. In perusing the profiles... I've noted that mostly the people are all looking for taller guys. I'm a mere 5'7.... too short, apparently, even for girls 5'3. I know girls like to feel all comforted by someone bigger than themselves.... I get it. But damn... What's a short bastard to do? My height is a point of much insecurity, especially as I tend to like girls my height or slightly taller. I can't explain it. I love girls shorter than me to... don't get me wrong... but most guys wouldn't consider a girl that's taller than them... just like most girls won't go near a guy shorter than they are. I guess I can relate though... as much as I don't mind girls who are a little larger in size... I just can't date them. Of course... you see many guys who are skinny with larger girls... rarely the tall girl with the short guy. What else is going on in life... I have secured funds for my DJ equipment... so I'll be a karaoke god soon enough. I've spent most of the night tonight DLing music for my regular DJ set tomorrow night. Class starts monday. I'm half excited... half dreading it. Finally going back to college.... scaaaaary!

So... all it took was 3 days of living with my parents for me to cuss my mom out. Yay.... They wonder why I'm holing up in my room and only coming out to piss. If I'm not in my room, I'm out of the house. I've been buying all up the new Industrial coming out... got the new Front Line Assembly remix album, the new God Module, and the new Assemblage 23 on tuesday. I'm such an electrophile. I DJed at Reefers again last night.... hopefully that'll become a regular gig. Might be doing it tonigt too... I'll call and check later. I'm in an advanced process of getting all my karaoke shit together. I have a mixing board and karaoke player now. I need an amp and case for the main console... then I need speakers, mini-tv, mics, and the actual music. It's coming along better and quicker than I thought it would. It helps that I have a lot of help in this. What else is going on.... just life in general, I guess. Want a new tat soooo badly, but I really need to focus on this karaoke stuff. Once I start making money from that, then I'll have money for as many tats as I could want. Also, if I get my karaoke stuff started in the next couple months, and DJ 3 nights out of the week, I estimate that I'll have enough money to buy a home by January. I might wait longer just for the hell of it... depends on how bad living at home turns out to be. If things go as well as I believe they shall.... I'll have the rest of my life set by 30.

I'm at a funny place right now... my self confidence is growing by the day. All my going to the gym is paying off and I'm noticing that I have more muscle and less fat. Girls have been noticing me (even) more than before. But at the same time, I'm feeling more and more insecure. I'm still feeling the need to drive myself to perfection. I despise certain things about myself I cannot change, and that pisses me off to no certain extent. I'm having trouble bringing myself to eat much lately. This is only half related to my insecurity, but half because of all my stomache problems. Hell, I had a bagel this morning and was writhing in agony not too long after. I just had a fat blaster smoothie... I'm waiting to see how I'll react to that. Hopefully not too bad, as it's fruit and ice. I've noticed I've been sleeping better since I moved back in with my parents. I feel more rested when I wake up, and I haven't needed a nap like I did every day at the apt. This week will have the first paycheck I put towards my house. Only $400 a month, but that's still a lot more than I had to put towards one before! My house goals are a 3/2, I'm not too particular about where, except I don't want to be in the ghetto. With a 3/2, I'll be able to have 2 room-mates. I'll be picking them carefully. The beauty part of having my own home is I'll be able to kick out anyone I don't like and not be stuck with an unwanted room-mate again. I guess right now I'm happier and feel better than I have in a long time.... I just still believe I can do better. Oh, and I want to get a new tattoo in a week or two.... but I'm debating on what. Any suggestions?

Today, while playing with my daughter at a playground, I looked around and the people there... and felt an incredible rush of grief. So many happy families and happy couples... children with both parents around... functioning family units. I wonder how they do it in this day and age... how do they overcome obstacle after obstacle to keep things going to blissfully? Are they always this happy and unified? What is it that prevents me from attaining such as that? I know one thing would probably be my choice in partners over the past.... 5 years. I've been chasing people who make me feel young. I've been so afraid of growing up and growing old until recently. Now... I feel the need to settle down and become stable. After all, that's what's behind my whole move back in with my parents... the attempt to become stable. (in this case, it's saving money for a house) Also, my going back to college is a major attempt to get my life into a fixed situation where it'd be feasable to start and support a family. I look in the mirror.. and I see age, for the first time ever. I see myself getting older. I've spent the last 5 years chasing my youth, through those girls. Now... I want a woman. A woman ready for a family life. One who'll be happy to go out maybe one weekend night a week. One who won't mind the fact that life isn't always exciting and adventurous. One who knows how a family unit works and won't mind working to help me maintain one. I guess that's one reason I've been more attracted to women with children recently.... most are trying to get settled as well. Before I wanted girls without kids because they could go out more often and have more money to blow on stupid shit. After spending today with my daughter, it's even more clear in my mind that I want a family. But look at me... tattoos, piercings, and a morbid sense of humour aren't usually the qualities decent women look for when trying to settle down. I attract mostly whores and girls who refuse to grow up. They see piercings and tattoos.. they think I'm not the kind of guy who just wants to sit around the house most of the time... and they're disappointed every time. It was funny... leaving the park today, after thinking about all that, my daughter asked me when she's gonna have a step-mother.... I just had to tell her I was wondering the same thing.

It's funny how things can go sometimes.... just last month I was in a bind between three ladies I liked. It turns out two were only girls, and the one woman is smart enough not to get involved with me ;) Which brings me back to the point of no female involvement.... which is just as well. As much as I swear off the opposite sex, I cannot help but look for that someone else. My standards climb higher with each failure, though. I'm one to learn from my errors. Many would say my quest to find perfection is futile... but they also said landing on the moon was only a fantasy. I don't want the perfect woman... only the one who's perfect for me. One who has my passion for things like music, food, and games... one who is fun and quirky, yet grounded and stable... one who's intelligent enough to hold a conversation with me, but will respect my need for solitude when I seek it. oh yeah, and she has to be beautiful! that's not too much to ask, is it?

No matter what happens in life, one thing is certain... people are bound to disappoint me. I can put my faith in very few... and when someone says they'll do something, then refuses and rubs it in my face, I take it to heart. That is what trust is... the belief a person will keep to their word. Liars... I have no use for in my life. I've steadily been getting better about lying with every breath. The other night I made a mix CD specifically because people have been steadily letting me down lately, and I know I've let some down myself. I cannot be sorry for it. I am a greedy person in many ways. I will NOT sacrifice who and what I am, as well as who and what I want to become. Those who ask me to will recieve nothing from a friendship or relationship with me. I don't ask people to change unless they want to change. If you come to me and say you wish to change a part of you, I'll do everything in my power to help you. I, however, cannot save you. The power to change must always come from within. Falling back into these patterns time and again, and still asking for my pity, just sickens me. I have no pity for those who don't have the strength to take their lives into their own hands. Only disgust. I revile you because you waste your life wishing to be something more, yet not willing to reach out and attain what it is you seek. I have given enough of myself and my time to a useless cause... and one must know when to cut the losses. The time is now. Now, for the contents of my mix cd. If you'd like a copy mailed to you, or MP3s sent to you via AIM or Yahoo, just message me. Its hard to know whats real when it all seems wrong 1. Diana Anaid - Last Thing 2.Ben Jelen - Falling Down 3. Stabbing Westward - I Remember 4. Blue October - Let It Go 5. Erase the Grey - Rain 6. Garbage - Medication (acoustic) 7. Flaw - Not Enough 8. Hurt - Overdose 9. A Perfect Circle - 3 Libras 10. Heavens - Dead End Girl 11. VAST - Touched 12. Abandoned Pools - Tighter Noose 13. Placebo - Broken Promise 14. Ra - Swimming Upstream 15. Flaw - Wait For Me 16. Hurt - Losing 17. Assemblage 23 - 30Kft