TracyToltien's blog: "The Future"

You know I'm sitting here eating ice cream (mint chocolate chip) wearing comfy clothes, and got to thinking.. Do we really understand the world around us? Sadly it's more correct to say no. First you have to consider, how much of our own planet have we really explored? 2/3 covered in water, 1/3 land. Not a great ratio when you think about it. There are mysteries of our waters that we have yet to see. Some we may never see in our own lifetimes. How long did it take them to find and see the Titanic after it sank? 80 years (more or less). What is really wierd is that we know more about the moon than we do our own oceans. And that's just the water. How many areas on land have we never seen? If there are even any left. And that's just the nature end of it. Now let's really think. I know, I know.. you're sitting there reading this and probably considering hitting the arrow in the upper left of the screen to go back and not finish. Who wants to think, really ever. C'mon, a lot of us zombie our way through work, and through part of our lives. There are a few people that have more active minds when they sleep than when they are awake. Dreaming is a mind intensive event. Oh yea event. Consider all the physical effects a dream can have on people. Yea see I got ya off the exploration thing, how much of the world have we explored? How much of our own bodies do we know? Yea I know medicine can tell us quite a bit about ourselves physically. But when it comes to the mind you are still lying on a couch telling some stranger how you feel about your parents. See that part is all speculation, there is no real rock solid knowledge about the mind. Dreaming, how many people try to interpret thier dreams? Pretty much everyone that remembers them. Why? Why not, it's something to do and how many dreams make sense? Not a damn one. Why? Your mind is as faster at running than your own senses can handle. Dreams have random images in your memory. Are they actually random, or are they the ones we remember here and there out of so many more we missed, that if we had caught all of them we would have a clear picture of the whole thing? Why is it like that? Is it all we can handle? Is it past lives? Or is it God playing games with us? Well here is an idea. Ever see the computer game "The Sims" or "The Sims 2" you create a person and run thier lives. What if the world is a larger version of that and God plays it to relax? And if so, I want the computer he's running. The regular game took up most of the processor my computer has. To run a global scale one Ok back to exploring, yea I know I get off track. ADHD live with it, why not I have to. Anyway, how much do we even know about each other (as in the opposite sex). Little to nothing, girls say they understand us guys, but my girlfriend (Angie) always says she never knows how to deal with me cuz I never react to things like I should. Like never running for the hills when the "M" word is mentioned. But that's just with me, granted I know there are a few guys out there like that. We are just rare. Now for the ladies end of it, what do us guys know about you? NO suprise there, little to nothing, we know your name, maybe your phone number, some of us know your eye color when your not in front of us. But there are a rare, rare few guys that don't "know" women, but they sense them, typically one. Like Angie can't really sneak up on me, cuz I know when she gets within a certain distance, usually about 6 feet or so. Actually I don't know why. But it is kinda cool, it's like being able to hug her from nearly across the room. . How cool would that actually be. Ok. BACK to exploration. What do we know of our own world? Comparatively? Not a whole lot, and of the universe beyond? Even less. How cool would it be to be able to explore into the depths of the sea, the vastness of space, or even into the mystery that is our own mind? Lay back and think about it for a while. Have a drink it makes it easier.. lol

I'm fairly sure that all of you remember Sept, 11, 2001. And it leaves a mixed feeling of sorrow for those innocents lost and anger for those that performed the deed. 2 years earlier, Sept 07, 1999 My father collapsed at work and was unconscious when he arrived at the hospital. This was in Kenosha, WI. Living in Fort Worth, TX, i recieved a phone call from my mother that the event had happened. I was working road service and was in Dallas (I635 and Big Town Blvd for those that know the area) over 40 miles from home, at about 3 in the afternoon. At this point I call my boss and let him know what is going on. So I completed the job I was on and my boss told me to just go home and wait for news.. He know I'd be worthless for the rest of the day anyway. Now for the rough part.... 3 in the afternoon.. East of Dallas.. having to drive back to Fort Worth.. with bad news on my mind.. good thing my truck isn't wired for sound.. lol So I got home had time for a shower and was just a shell of myself waiting for news. When the phone finally rang I was almost scared to pick it up and hear what was going to be said on the other end. But I did, and dad had regained consciousness but was very weak. The doctors decided that he needed to remain in the hospital for a few days to regain his strength so his body could handle open heart surgery. I called my boss and let him know what was going on, he repied with an offer for me to take the week off. I had told him no because I needed something to keep my mind off of events, if I sat at home I would go crazy. Besides, the family told me to wait until they had a date and time for surgery before I came to visit. It would have sucked to have been there while he regained strenght, then have to leave before the surgery. On the morning of Sep 11, 1999 I was working again (and in Royce City for those that know the area) 50+ miles from Fort Worth. I recieved another phone call from my mother. This was even more bad news.. My father's organs had begun to shut down. Immediately what ran through my head was that I listened to everyone to stay in Texas and wait for a surgery date. I could have been there with him in his final hours. I stopped the job I was doing sat on my tailgate and cried. I would never see or talk to my father again. And it was because of a choice I had made. MY fault. I regained my composure and completed the job. Called my boss and told him what was going on. He at that point ORDERED me to go home and find a way to my parents house as soon as possible. So I went home.. driving through Dallas again but this time through Sunday morning chruch traffic. Not a great experience. But anyway, I arrived home and took a shower, got dressed, and just layed on the bed. Just fearing the next phone call.. already knowing what it was going to say. And as I thought the call came.. and it was over.. Dad was gone. And her I am 1900 miles away, the only family member not there at the end for him. I felt so upset that I listened to them all and stayed here. At the same time, this void opened up in my chest, knowing I would never hear his voice again, hear his laugh. How are you suppposed to feel when the one person you though was invincible dies? Hell he sure lived like he was. It wasn't until last year when I heard the song "Live Like You Were Dying: Tim McGraw" that I think I finally understood why Dad seemed so unstoppable in his last few years. I think he knew and didn't want to worry all of us. Now munites after I got the news, my mife's sister called and they were going to go to Chuck E Cheeses and wanted us to go with. I said HELL NO, last thing I wanted to do in my state of mind was to be around lots of screaming kids. But I went anyway, because they didn't want me left alone. But Monday was the first flight we could get to go home. My wife, daughter and I. Granted my daughter being 5 really had no idea what was going on. But we got there, and for the next two days.. Funeral being Wednesday Sep 14, 1999 in the afternoon we had so much to get ready. Every time we did anything Mom would break down, not like I could really blame her, and my brother followed suit. So I forced myself to be strong for them, one of us had to be. At the Funeral, it was astounding. In the guest book, there were 137 lines filled out with mostly Mr, Mrs and family. Where we had it there was standing room only. I had no idea that my Dad touched that many lives. But I held my ground.. I've been strong for everyone for three whole days.. no time to crumble now. The song performed at the Funeral was by the chorus my mom was a member of. It was awesome. At the moment I can't remember the name of the song.. but the way my Dad lived "Roll out the Barrel" probly would have been closer.. lol But after the Funeral was over, my brother sat there rock solid, no faultering at all. I looked at him, looked at Mom, then it happened. All my strength left me and I fell apart.. gripping my brothers arm soaking his shoulder. Three days of sorrow in 10 minutes time. It took all I had to recover so I could even walk to the car and go to where the dinner was going to be held. Again, I really belive that Dad didn't want a Funeral. Who really wants the world to weep at your passing. I think Dad would have wanted us to throw a party, to celebrate the fact he was here, touched our lives, and will always be remembered. I know that's what I want. But at the dinner I was distant from everyone. Still in denial that it was over, he was really gone. Not a day goes by that I don't regret not going to see him in WI while he was in the hospital. All I can do now is remember him as the man he was: Fun, intelligent, creative, Dad. I'll always remember you Dad, you were one of a kind. Raymond Peter Billen Jr. Jan 28, 1943 - Sep 11, 1999 Age 56 Some may wonder why I wrote this. One to get it off my chest, I've needed to say, write, even scream it at times, but my Father was stubborn in his ways, and really didn't do what the doctor told him to. What I am saying is this... There is always someone that will miss you when you pass, take care of yourself, eat right, stay healthy, live as long as possible. I saw what my Grandparents had to go through having to bury a child of thiers. NO parent should EVER have to. And no child should be a child having to. Sep 11, 2001 The US lost 3000+ innocent people before it was thier time to go. Parents lost children, children lost parents, people lost thier significant other, and people lost friends. From the stories I have read, and heard about that day. We all lost something, but we know that many of the Firefighters and Police of NYC lost thier lives... but what we know they didn't lose was their COURAGE. I read one account of a survivor that had heard one of the Firefighters ask his partner "How long do we have to get everyone out?" The response was "Time isn't an issue.. The lives we save are." To those men and women that lost THIER lives.. I am sad for your loss.. but proud that there are people in the world that consider everyone elses lives before thier own. Do me a favor after you read this, say a prayer for those we lost that day. Originally Written 11 SEP 06

Has anybody ever noticed how you think of your own life as just that... 'yours" In truth, none of us have our own lives. Yea I know it sounds kind of imposing that none of us really have our own lives. But consider the facts. Each and every life on this planet is touched by another, and affected by those lives, in the same way that we each in turn affect all the others that we touch. Now here is where it get's wierd. How far have you really considered it. You can think of all the people that you know and touch the lives of. Seems kind of broad at that point. But you really cant stop there. You have affected all the people in you life in a way that no other person on the planet can. And all of them do the same. Just think. You show someone kindness, whether you really know them or not you have affected the course of their life. As they see others, they will in turn affect others, maybe even based on how YOU treated them. Yes, your very random act of kindness will trickle through all the people that are met by those in line. How far will it go, how many people will feel the kindness that you started, or was it even you that started it. If you really just sit back and think about it, with all this connection going on, we affect every life on the planet with our choices, not directly of course, but just consider that aspect. We can't possibly know everyone in the world, nor can everyone we know. But think of how fast we can cover the population of the world let's just say that you and everyone you know has met and knows 100 people, yea that's low my graduating class was 683, but still let's keep it simple for calculating purposes. You know 100 people, and of those people they know 100 people thats 100x100=10,000. yea 10,000 already, then you consider all those people that you met that don't actually live where you are.. Ok use realistic numbers for a moment. I graduated with 683 people. and all of those people know at the very least thier own families, parents, grand parents, siblings, aunts, uncles, cousins. If every family had two kids just in your family it's 13 with just the immediate family 4 grandparents, 2 parents, each have one sibling for 2 aunts 2 uncles (married), they each have 2 kids and your sibling. Just in that it's 683x13=8879 and that's not even anything outside of classmates and family. Remember the 683 was just the people I graduated with, not the Junior and Sophmore classes. Our total student body was something over 2000. And the totals didn't even include faculty, and the students you meet from other schools over the years. As fast as that exponents, we could cover the population of the United States in just about 10 calculations. Well at least I could. Having been in the military, and traveled around the States. Now working road service, I see truckers from all over the country on a daily basis. Hell here is a fact that will scare ya. Three years ago I was working on a truck on the side of the highway for an out of state driver. The entire time I was talking to the guy while i worked. After it was over he asked for a business card. When I gave it to him, he looked at it and said "thought so" then looked up at me and said "So how is Pete anyway?" (Pete being my fathers name) "Excuse me?" Well I'm gonna stop there. He knew my dad when he was working for Sherwin Williams. See how mauch it grows. I used to go around town and not be able to go anywhere without finding someone my dad knew.. now it's country wide.. how creepy is that? He told me that he had changed his life after meeting my father. Granted my dad didn't live like he should, diet and all that, but he sure knew how to give life advice and it apparently helped this guy. But that is what all this was about, how we each individually affect all the people we come in contact with. So do the world a favor, and affect people in a positive way. I try to when I can. :D

As humans we have some wierd tastes that we become addicted to. First and foremost, granted not one of mine, is CHOCOLATE!. probly one of the most popular. Hell my gf and her mother rate some restaraunts by the quality of the chocolate desserts. And remember there is even a book with it in the title "Hand over the chocolate and no one gets hurt" From what I understand it's a pretty funny book. But you have to take in the facts. I know girls that will break YOUR arm if you get between them and thier chocolate. Even though some call it "Stress Relief". However, either way, let the ladies have thier chocolate, and they are actually nicer to you. Especially if you give it as a suprise gift. Second is COFFEE. There are people in the world that I have met that are truly different people before they have thier morning coffee. It's really wierd, some of them are nice people for the most part, but before that first cup (or pot for some people) it's like dealing with Animal from the muppets (yea ok that's showing my age so what). But after the coffee, they are back to thier normal NONscary personas. What is it about coffee that makes people see nicer afterwards. Is it the caffine, no it can't be, some of the people I know drink decaffinated. I think it's pointless.. because wasn't that the point of coffee? Other than caffine what is in coffee? anything useful? Not that I know of. Just beans.. Yes they smell nice when you roast them, hell my mom likes the smell of coffee but she doesn't like the taste. So what is left? Just the beans.. some dried bean from a plant that is ground up and has water strained through it. Well damn we could do that with any kind of bean if ya think about it. Just think baked bean coffee. Nice aroma.. Well BEFORE you drink it anyway. Third addiction. CIGARETTES. Most of my friends smoke, yea sure it's nasty because the smell get's into everything. At least my friends are nice enough to go smoke outside the apartment. But anyway, what makes them so addictive? Yea they say it's tne nicotine, but i disagree. People smoke other things, like cloves.. they don't have nicotine. But still.. what do people get out of cigarettes. Well take them away from a smoker and you get the PREcoffee person back. Ok try this experiment, take cigarettes away from a person before coffee, and throw thier chocolate away. Then see if you can get to the door before they kill you. Oh and believe me they will try. fourth addiction, ENERGY DRINKS. The caffine for the non coffee drinker. A kick in the ass in a can (or bottle depending on what kind it is). Some work for some people, some work for others. Some have side effects. Not real bad. I think. I know a guy that says Monster Assault is like being pushed by a satyr. Yea he get's one of those in him and his wife tries ot hide.. lol Same addiction as coffee I would imagine.. Fifth addiction ALCOHOL. Really needs no explanation.. lol Sixth addiction, and probly the most fun of the bunch SEX. Some sayt that being addicted to sex is bad. I'm not really sure how. Think of it.. doctors say that you burn 150 calories an hour having sex. WELL HOT DAMN, how could that kind of fat burning be bad. Besidesm if you have a good partner. WOOHOO, makes it less work, and more fun anyway. Granted.. you have to realize the other addictions can help you with this one. Fifth addiction can get almost anyone into bed. Fourth addiction can keep you going for hours. Third addiction for when it was just that DAMN good. Second addiction to get you going after a night that uses alot of the fourth. First addiction.. makes the sixth addiction just that much more fun. But if you go back and think about it, 6 addictions that we all know of, that tie in together. Is that really bad or good.. or was it meant to be.. look how easilly they work together. Have fun.. good addicting.

Well it's here, my daughter is fully moved in and we are moving on with life. We are going to make it. I know we are, and I know she is happy being here with me, which is awesome. But after the school year is over she will probly be moving to Houston with her mother which will limit my time with her. Yea sucks loads. But I have her now and we are going to enjoy the time. The only worry that I have is that this will put a strain on my two roommates. I do not want that, but at least my daughter gets along with both of them, and has fun with both.. Ok enough for now, write more soon.