TheAmbassadorOfRomanceInVenus's blog: "Thoughts"

Living might mean taking chances but they’re worth taking. Loving might be a mistake but it’s worth making. Being with him I am slipping away. Losing my heart, yet finding his. He has touched a part of me I thought was dead; reviving my body as if I were a dying flower, with love as the warming sun and him as the sacred water. I’ve tried to express my feelings but the sharp twinges of fear keep me silent. Those times we almost touched make me shake with a growing need I know only he can satisfy. With every torturous hour of us being together but not together, my will weakens. My head spins with desire but I don’t dare give in to the emotion. I know only too well the pain that comes from loving someone. It’s the kind of pain that fades with time, but never truly goes away. It’s the kind of pain I cannot imagine living through again. He’s sitting a little too close right now. The sultriness of his lust smells like secrets, like dark things better left unsaid. I struggle to resist the temptation yet my yearning for him escalates. I sense he feels the same as he nervously pulls back the strands of hair that stubbornly fall in his face. He looks so ravishing wearing his James Dean ensemble; white crew neck tee and faded blue jeans. For a moment our eyes meet and the realness of it reels me into a state of panic. Needing to break the spell enrapturing my heart I run from him. I willingly retreat from the light of his love and wrap my arms around the comforting darkness. My breath is erratic and my heart beats wildly in my chest. My body drips with perspiration as forgotten passions spill over me. I reach my destination and follow a stone path leading to one of my favorite places. I wonder how much longer I can keep running. Enormous trees peer down protectively, in an almost loving way. Branches sway as leaves whisper softly to each other with the wind. It is another hot summer night. The rain should provide some much needed relief. Earlier today thick silvery clouds invaded the hazy sky. We watched like children as they gathered into shrouds of mist. I like having him close to me, perhaps a little too much. Now, the pervasive and alluring darkness hides threatening clouds. A quick flash of lightning sends me deeper into the woods. The uncanny silence tingles my ears. It begins to drizzle. I close my eyes and lift my face to the sky. The gentle touch of rain lovingly caresses me. The air is cooler and a little more bearable but I’m still hot. I’ve tried to stay away from him yet always find myself knocking on his door. He always lets me in. I tell myself he is nothing more than a good friend. If that were true then why can’t I stop thinking about him? No matter what I do, lustful thoughts of us together further seep into my mind. If anything, the rain further teases, enhancing my desire to be with him. Unexpectedly, the rain pattern changes into a hard, angry, even forceful downpour. Huge drops, like tiny rocks prick my skin. I try to wash him out of my soul. I imagine him standing in front of me frozen in time and the harder it rains the blurrier my vision gets until he’s simply gone. This brings me no comfort. I start to tremble. I’m not sure if it is from the chill in the air or the stifled passion I keep locked inside. My heart is overwhelmed with emptiness. I’m missing him already. The thought of him not being in my life for one minute forces me to finally face the truth. I not only want him, but I’ve helplessly fallen in love with him. Suddenly a new kind of fear sets in. The fear of losing him. I bring my hands to my face pouring the pain out in tears. * * * * * * I watch as she runs away. Again. I take a deep breath letting the air out very slowly. Nervous and afraid, aroused and anxious. I know these feelings all too well. She’s got me tied up in knots. She’s got me wishing on stars. I think back to the countless attempts I’ve made trying to get close to her, wondering why I let these childlike games continue. Whenever I try to touch or even kiss her, she runs away like a frightened little girl. Just when I start to see a sparkle in her dark eyes, she backs away. Still, I hurry after her. Again. It’s all I can do to stay sane. Without even knowing it she’s taken control of my heart. I’m fully aware of the danger in getting too close but am willing to take that chance. Why can’t she? She looks so incredibly beautiful tonight. She’s sexy without even trying. Her long brown hair always smells like lilies, refreshingly sweet. I want to bathe myself in the fragrance of her. I want to fall helplessly into her arms and make love to her. And her smile. The power of her smile can see me through my darkest days. Our relationship started out so innocently. It’s funny to remember that now. We met at a local diner. I overheard her chatting with a waitress about being new in town and needing a place to stay. She looked lost and alone. The waitress didn’t know of any vacant apartments in the area but pointed to a nearby magazine rack by the door that contained free apartment guides. That’s when I stepped in and approached her. I couldn’t believe the butterflies in my stomach swirling around, making me a little dizzy. I hadn’t felt that way in years. She greeted me with a smile. A genuine smile. It was amazing how when she smiled, her whole face lit up and her eyes came alive. I cleared the growing lump in my throat and introduced myself. We started talking and it was incredible. When our eyes met it felt electric. The chemistry between us hit me hard. I dismissed the attraction at first. I didn’t have time for any kind of relationship right now. My heart was still healing. My hands were shaking. The butterflies returned. Shifting the gears in my mind we thumbed through the apartment guide and since I knew the area quite well I offered to help her look for an apartment. A few days later fate stepped in. The apartment across the hall from mine became unexpectedly available. With a little secret maneuvering, I got her the apartment. We started spending a lot of time together and I realized that the connection between us went beyond physical attraction. What’s great about us is we became friends. Real friends. Our friendship continued to blossom and I found myself falling in love. I held back as long as I could before my emotions started getting the best of me. It’s just been quite a challenge getting her to open her heart. Her smile warms my soul, even on the coldest of nights. She expresses a dark sort of passion, stemming from her constant search for truth, love, and understanding, yet scars of the past keep her a prisoner of past walls. I understand her pain and have wiped away many tears. Sometimes it’s hard to be with her because I want so desperately to show her what she fears most. Love. On those rare occasions when she lets her guard down, I see a side of her that is playful and carefree. Something is developing between us, going far beyond the limitations of friendship. Every time I look into her eyes they tell a story of heightened arousal mixed with suffocating fear. But doesn’t she know I too am scared to death in revealing my feelings? Making my way through the familiar darkness I find her. My heart tells me to reach out but I don’t dare. I linger for a moment battling my own insecurities. My mind reverts back to the many times we caught each other staring or how we exchanged monosyllabic words even though we had so much more to say. Tentatively I walk toward her. Fear entangles me but I'm strong enough not to break free from its tight grasp. I need to let her know what my heart can no longer deny. I see him through the heavy darkness. I watch and wait, wondering what he will do next. He looks so sexy right now. I sense the urgency in his eyes and feel the escalating desire between us. A desire I've felt all along. He moves closer. I step back. Remembering the earlier vision of him fading away, I am close to running into his arms. A screaming voice inside commands my attention forcing me to stay quiet and very still. He asks what I'm doing standing in the rain. I tell him it will free me. Perplexed he asks, “From what?” “From you” I whisper, and then run away once again. As the sky bathes in blackness, my instincts guide me to a place further into the swallows of the forest. He’ll never find me here. There are many secret places I go to when life becomes overwhelming. Like now. I steady my pace and follow a winding path, which leads to a shallow pond. The battle in the sky has since calmed and rain lightly falls in tantalizing sprinkles. I listen closely to the soft music of the thunder. The storm is far from over. But the storm raging in my soul won't let me be. The battle between heart and mind are constant. I long to share my darkness with him but fear controls me. I just can’t pour my heart out to another living thing. The ghosts in my room know more about me than anyone real. In my dreams we are together. There is no fear. There is no hesitation. I lived that dream once, only it quickly turned into a nightmare. One I’m still running from. Why can’t I bury the past and give love another chance – before it’s too late? He listens to my stories, dries my tears, and makes me smile a thousand smiles. I laugh at all his jokes and most of them are really funny. There are times when the laughing stops and all becomes quiet. Then he’ll look at me, the wanting emanating from his eyes and it makes my heart flutter. My body responds and I want him too, but never tell him of my desires. I’m paralyzed with fear and it wins every time. Even though I don’t deserve his patience, he offers it to me, time and time again. He must really love me. I make my way to the secluded brook hidden by gigantic redwood trees. From here the darkness seems endless. A faint light from several overhead lamps illuminate the area. Raindrops create dozens of ripples in the shallow water. The sound calms me. The air is much cooler now but I’m still feeling the heat. Clothes feel heavy on my hot skin. I look around to see if he is near, listening for any signs of life. Nothing. Satisfied that I am alone, I remove my long skirt keeping the black slip on. After unbuttoning my blouse the cool air provides some relief. I know he can’t find me here. He doesn’t know this place like I do. * * * * * * Staring at her through a fence of branches, nothing seems real anymore. She doesn't know I have come this far. There’s a lot she doesn’t know. My emotions are so focused on her that I’m swept away. She looks incredibly sexy with wet hair. Her clothing clings to her like a second skin revealing every beautiful curve. I can only fantasize about the beauty hidden underneath the long cloak of a skirt. Hardened nipples reveal themselves, enticing me even further. I get aroused thinking about her naked breasts. Touching them. Tasting them. I watch in awe as she slips off her shoes and pulls down her skirt. It’s almost too good to be true. The black slip is much shorter than the skirt revealing her calves and knees. The sight of her nakedness makes me shudder. Though the storm has subsided, a different one rouses inside me. I imagine myself sitting beside her and touching her wet skin. Our kisses would be brimming with a sense of urgency as silky tongues danced and explored. Wait. What is this? She’s opening her blouse. I feel guilty for watching but cannot look away. The black lacey bra accentuates the soft curves of her breasts, further taunting me. This is pure agony. To see her this way and not be able to express how I’ve been feeling since the day we met. The rekindling of the fire in the sky is empowering, giving me the strength to I need to abandon this dominating fear. Spikes of lightning intensify, temporarily light the darkness. This time I won't let her run away. There won't be any choices left to make, except to take my hand as I pull her into my world opening her soul to the beauty of our most intimate fantasies. * * * * * * I hear something. A rustling sound. He appears out of the shadows with wild determination in his stance. How did he find me? My heart leaps with excitement. I begin to quiver with a heady mixture of lust and love. Out eyes meet and the stare becomes unbreakable. He stands there like a frightened little boy but when I catch his eyes I see the man, the lover, and the hunger. “Please don't run away again.” I won’t hurt you.” He takes a step closer and says, “I could never hurt you.” I do not speak. Not a sound. I’m forever torn between what my head says, what my heart feels, and what my body demands. He moves a little closer, I step back, only to realize there is nowhere left to run. There's just him. I can feel his eyes on my body. Glancing down I remember that I’m standing there half-naked. I suddenly remember that I'm standing there half-naked. Not knowing what to do next I frantically start buttoning my blouse. When I turn to gather up my clothes he rushes towards me. “No, don’t! Let me look at you.” I remain perfectly still, barely breathing, as his eyes take in all of me. I’m going to break at any moment. The way he’s looking at me, the way I’m feeling, I cannot fight this fight anymore. My heart is pounding. My emotions are exposed for only him to see. I've pushed him down deep in my soul for too long. I need to let go. I need to let myself feel. “Do you know how beautiful you are?” He moves closer. “Do you know how long I’ve wanted to be with you?” He rests his hands on my shoulders and says, “I must confess something.” Feeling light-headed as if in a dream I manage to blurt out, “Wh-what is it?” “I've imagined what it would be like to kiss you so many times.” Without a moment to think, I forget my head and let my heart finally speak. “If I kiss you now, I won’t be able to stop.” “Good," he says with a smile. "Because I don’t ever want you to.” It is then that they touch, truly touch for the first time. The walls between them are let down by a flood of thunderous emotion. They fall together and their lips gently touch. She smiles as he hugs her tight, laughing into his mouth. Then they kiss. It starts off slow and tender then grows as their passion grows. Any traces of uncertainty have vanished. This kiss, their first kiss, stays alive for a long time. Outside the rain is falling but they don’t seem to notice. If anything, the rain only makes this moment more romantic and memorable. He gently strokes her cheek and says, “I’ve loved you for so long.” She responds with another kiss. Tears are falling from her eyes. “I love you too. I’ve been such a fool. I--” “Shhhhh.” He puts his finger to her lips. “None of that matters now.” She kisses him again making a silent vow never to run from love. Not when it feels this good, this right. She looks into his eyes seeing nothing but love and devotion. In a whisper she says, “Make love to me.” He kisses her eyes, her cheeks, her nose, and her lips. He opens her blouse and it falls off her shoulders onto the floor. She lifts up his shirt and it gets tossed aside. They get down on the ground and a different kind of exploration ensues. He starts kissing her neck as his fingers gently squeeze her nipples. She lets out a soft moan and the sound of her drives him wild. He kisses her breasts and teases her nipples with his tongue. Breathless she says, “I want you now.” Fumbling with the belt buckle he realizes his hands are shaking. He finally gets his jeans off and pulls her slip down only to discover she isn’t wearing any underwear. He spreads her legs pushes himself deep inside her. They make love under the dark sky as the rain steadily comes down. Just like with their first kiss they move together very slowly, savoring every moment. As the pace quickens her moans turn into screams of unbridled pleasure. They come together and fall into each other’s arms. A first kiss born out of true love will be forever seared onto the walls of their souls. Copyright © 1997 -2006 , Sunny- TheAmbassador- All Rights Reserved.