My ex was... well lemme see if i can put it into words. We met one night, i was house
sitting for my parents, a freind from work called and asked if i wanted to hang out. I told
him he could come over, but he needed to bring some chics with him. I was kidding but he
took me seriously. My ex came over with him, went to the bathroom in my parents house and
changed an 8-ball of coke into crack, and proceeded to smoke it all on my parents patio.
This is how i met my ex. I was a safe person to be with so she could do her drugs. This is
how it all started off. We ended up sleeping together, and because of the type of person i
am, well i tend to put lots of feeling into sleeping with a person. Sex for me isn't 'just
sex'. it's a display of emotions, it's a way of showing someone the love that you feel for
them. It's (to me) one of the most intimate ways of sharing yourself with someone. Sex is a
way of baring your soul to another person. Well unfortunately i later found out she didn't
share these ideas. But getting on with the story, we ended up moving in together, and soon
after, she and i decided to quit using drugs. She went into rehab for 3 months was gone. I
stayed at home, kept doing school, and quit on my own. Granted i didn't really want to quit,
i just was doing it to support her, which hurt me in the end in retrospect. after she got
out of rehab we moved to a bigger place, and her 4 year old son moved in with us. He had
gotten taken away from her and placed with her mother by CPS due to excessive Meth use. I
didn't even know about him till well into our relationship. I loved him though and accepted
him unconditionally, becomeing as much of a father to him as i could be as his real dad was
(and still is) in and out of jail for drug and other felonies. Well we kept together for a
while, and then she cheated on me for the first time. With her ex of course on one of his
stints out of jail. i forgave her, and made as if to ignore the whole situation. I had her
promise that it owuld never happen again. This is really the point that our relationship
took a downward turn. It didn't happen again for a while. but other things started to
happen. Suddenly i couldn't do anything right. I wasn't good enough in bed anymore, i wasn't
nice enough to her, i wasn't paying enough attention to her, school was taking my time up
too much. If i was at school i was talking to other girls and thinking about cheating on her
(i don't have many social skillz, so this really wasn't happening). and she hit me for the
first time. Got mad at me for some reason i can't remember and punched me in the face.
Again, all of this stuff i figured was my fault somehow and i had to do better... One of my
hobbies is playing computer games, it's a great way for me to relax, and enjoy myself.I quit
doing that completely because she felt it was taking time away from paying attention to her.
I quit going to school and started to fail out because she felt it was taking time away from
her.Slowly i became more and more miserable because no matter what i did , what i gave up,
how much better i did, it was never good enough. I did everything she asked because she said
it would make her love me more and we'd be happy. None of it worked, but i did it anyways
because i 'loved' her and thought it would make her happy... Well she cheated on me again,
this time with a guy she met on the bus one day. again i just kind of ignored it. told her i
forgave her and she promised not to ever do it again. Things got worse again, she started to
hit me much more often and was always telling me what a lousy person i was and how i could
never do anything right. So i would try to do better. doing everything she asked, trying to
anticipate and head off her anger beforehand, but again nothing was ever good enough. well
this was the pattern of our 4 years. she'd cheat on me, things would get worse, she'd cheat
on me again, things would get worse. 6 different guys, after the first two, all the guys
were men i tried to make friends with and brought home to hang out with us. I stopped making
friends and got realy lonely. Life was really lousy for me at the end. we started using
drugs again, and i just got more and more miserable. Nothing i did was right, or made her
happy. I wasn't allowed to do anything for myself at all, it had to be all about shannon or
i would get hit. I would let her do whatever she wanted to me as long as it kept her from
doing it to the kids. I don't mention my daughter in all this because well it seems kinda
superflous. One of her biggest complaints was that i didn't 'communicate' well. I tried,
really i did. I would open up and tell my feelings, i'd talk and talk and she'd would
interrupt, tell me that i was wrong, and go on to tell me why and that I just needed to sit
and listen to all HER problems. I don't want to go into this with the point of i never did
anything wrong and was the perfect person. I have my problems, and some of her complaints
were completely true. but I did try my hardest to stop doing the things she didn't like and
make her happy. That was my problem though, trying to make her happy. I finnally realized
(after i left her) that was my biggest problem. I couldn't make her happy, only she could do
that and i was just standing in the way. Lets get to the end of the story. Near the end of
our relationship she started sleeping with a friend of mine. I considered this guy my best
friend, and they were scerwin behind my back, in my bed, in front of my kids. Wel he wannted
her to leave me, take the kids, and be with him. She didn't do it, wouldn't do it, and he
got mad. Beat the hell out of her in front of our house, in front of our kids one day (long
story in itself i'm not gonna get into here). well we had to move because of this guy, and
moved into the boondocks. she had some friends who needed a palce to stay and let them move
in with us. They stayed for a couple months, and ecided to move to pheonix. well my ex
thought they owed us something for us letting them stay. One day she got sick and her mom
took her to the hospital. she came home told me she had TB an they gave her some drugs that
would adversly affect her Bi-Polar and cause her to go crazy. Long story short she went
nuts, destroyed our house, and tried to beat me up. thew a phone at me and cut my head open,
and when she tried to hit me again i held her hands and pinned her on the ground, she bit a
hole in my chest (i'll have the scars forever) and after that.. i left. i realized i
couldn't tkae it anymore and would have killed myself to get out of the situation. This
would have been no good for my kids and so i left instead. I've been working for almost a
year to get custody of my daughter, and that's another story i'll get into later too. In
retrospect, i've been really happy since then, but lately ahve become very lonely. I wonder
what a real loveing relationship between two people who can share and love each other
unconditionally is like. I don't know if i would know it if i saw it. So here i am now.
kinda lost and lonely, but i have my daughter, she's safe with me and away from her mom. I
think i'll rite more on the months since i left a little later..
