The Ethics of Love Spells
By Karen Mitchell
Browse any Wiccan message board or email list, and you'll see one very common theme: love spells. People are constantly asking for them, so therefore people are constantly debating the merits and faults of them. Many of us experienced Witches, such as myself, got our start in magic through a curiosity about love spells. Yes, even the ones who won't admit it!
Are love spells ethical? Some are, and some are not. A good way to tell is to try to compare the love spell to a real-life action. Take, for instance, love spells that are designed to make the caster feel more attractive, or more confident. I liken these to getting a makeover, haircut, or a sexy new outfit. These "confidence booster" spells are a good type to cast, especially if you have problems with your self-image.
My favorite ethical love spells are designed to help you find someone with a certain set of characteristics. This is how I found my fiancé. With this type, you're looking for a generic Mr. or Ms. Right using a laundry list of characteristics: funny, smart, kind to animals, an artist, etc. When I first met my fiancé, I found out that we had a lot of the same friends (in fact, we belonged to the same internet group), and that we had been going to the same local events for years, but we'd never noticed each other. Talk about a spell opening your eyes!
Going back to an earlier point, these ethical spells can all be related to benign actions in real-life... getting a makeover, being in the right place at the right time, etc. What other sorts of ethical love spells are out there? How about spells to help you be more sensitive to a partner's needs? Or a spell to help you over a bad breakup? Maybe you could benefit from a spell to help you have more constructive romantic relationships.
From here, we can get to my definition of an ethical love spell: A spell that does not negatively manipulate people so that you can win the object of your affection. Nor is it a spell where the method or end-result would be illegal if translated into real-life actions.
Let's break that down. The first part states "a spell that does not negatively manipulate people". Magic with no constructive purpose does not support the tenets of the Wiccan Rede (As long as it harms none, do what you will). This doesn't mean that magic must always be positive, but it must always have some constructive purpose. (Casting a spell to see that someone who molested your child gets justice may not be a positive spell, but it does have a constructive purpose.)
Casting a love spell that is designed to make other people jealous or to break up a current relationship are examples of negatively manipulative magic. They are also examples of magic designed to win the affections of a specific person. This is another red ethical flag, however, this is the most commonly requested type of love spell. "Make her love me!" or "Make him come back to me!" It simply isn't ethical to force someone else to do your bidding, whether through magical or "mundane" means.
Saying a chant and lighting a candle is not going to make someone fall in love with you. It isn't going to hold together a failing relationship, either. Oh, sure, you might be able to patch things together in the short-term, but eventually it's going to fall apart. Plus, if the other person figures out what you've done, they are not going to be happy. Would you be happy if someone you didn't want to be with kept trying to get you into a relationship? Would you be happy if someone you didn't want to stay with kept forcing you to stick with the relationship? I know I wouldn't be.
Let's translate these actions to real-life (what I like to call the mundane). Are there really any ethical ways to make someone love you? If you kept badgering someone in real-life to go out with you, you could be arrested for stalking. Would you abduct someone and hold him hostage in your basement until he relented and said he'd sleep with you? How different is that from casting a spell to make him want to have sex with you?
What sort of mundane actions could you use to keep someone in a relationship? Lock her in the house? Call him at work ten times a day just to be sure he isn't hitting on a coworker? Would you have the person he's cheating on you with "eliminated from the picture"? Do these actions sound crazy? Illegal? Then why do spells designed to take similar magical actions?
What you put out, you get back. If you perform this sort of destructively manipulative magic, you won't end up with what you want in the end. No amount of magic is going to make happily ever after out of a relationship that doesn't work. All it will do is end up adding to the bitterness of the situation when things finally fall apart. Yes, this is harsh. But it's the truth.
Destructively manipulative love spells can also have another type of consequence: unwanted attention focused on you. Otherwise known as a "spell backfire". Let's say you cast a spell to make a coworker fall for you, and she does. After a few dates, you realize that it isn't going to work. It was just a case of lust, and now that you know her you realize that the two of you aren't compatible. You try to break it off. She refuses to let you. Eventually, she becomes obsessed with you, but the stalking doesn't bring you back. She gets you fired from your job in retaliation, claiming that you relationship was nothing but sexual harassment. And the stalking continues, despite the restraining orders. Eventually, you have to go to court.
Think that's a little dramatic? Perhaps. But this is the sort of thing that can happen when you start playing with other people. The spell you cast to make your ex-boyfriend break up with his new girlfriend could end in her having a horrible car accident and ending up in a coma. The spell you cast to make your wife stay in the marriage could end up with her having a baby she doesn't want, leaving you anyway, and you're left to raise the child alone.
If you take nothing else away with you from this article, remember to always think about the consequences of your spells. Don't pretend it's "for his own good" when it's really "because that's what I want". Remember that magic is not a band-aid. Love is one of the strongest human emotions, and to attempt to bend it to your will is a naïve idea at best, and a dangerous situation at worst. Work on opening yourself up to self-love, and the possibilities of love all around you, rather than fixating on one specific person. In the end, you'll be a lot happier.
