I ended up deciding against California for now.
It's honestly killing me on the inside. I mean, how often am I gonna not follow through on this kinda shit? It's honestly not because I'm too lazy or complacent, far from it. I may still end up visiting, if I can get enough money. But I don't think my car will make it, is the problem. Well, one of the two big problems, anyway. The other is my medical position. My blood sugar and triglycerides are too high to not have medical insurance.
But that's not even the real reason. I have become attached to someone here. And even though I know nothing can possibly happen, and I don't even wanna be hooking up with her or anything, I can't see myself separating myself from her of my own free will. I like her, a lot. That is also killing me on the inside, but it would be pointless and stupid and tactless to tell her I crush on her. So, the logical thing to do is ignore it, let it fester and eventually blow over, and find someone else. She makes it hard though, because she's really awesome. Probably one of the coolest girls I've ever met, and definitely the only younger girl I can see myself spending my nights with at this time. A month ago I would've said "ever," but I don't know anymore.
I think it might be time to try giving up emotion again. You know, the half Buddha half pirate bit. Maybe I should just run away from everything. Maybe I should go to California or something.
Love,
/Andy
