CappyHAG's blog: "The Addict"

Sobriety - I don't dare say the word out loud; It is too fragile. I hold onto the moments as they come and try not to let them pass unnoticed. Sobriety - It is like a hand-blown glass ball and I don't want it to break. Every word is thought out before it is spoken. Once and a while, a word slips out in anger, and I hold my breath. "Will it send him to the store?" I silently wonder. When stress happens, and it happens a lot, I wonder if he'll break. He handles it better than I. I wonder if it's because he knows what's in his head and I don't. I love him more than words could ever express. I have prayed for this day to come, but I am on edge. We have been here before and I can not forget how it all came crashing down. I will not take this for granted. Thank you God for the blessings you have bestowed upon me, upon us. When life is down, I try to remember what I have. So, every day is a new beginning - a new chance to build the life we were meant to have - a new chance to be the parents our children deserve to have - a chance to be truly happy and grateful.

The door opens and as you enter, my skin tingles; my muscles tense and I am alert - like a rabbit caught in a trap. I can feel it, before I even see you, you "slipped" again. And just like that, you've slipped away from me again. Now it's the other you that I see. You know that I can sense it and you try to play it cool. You try to hide it with a smile but, I can see right through you. You try to hide it with small talk but, I can see right through you. You try to hide it with sarcasm but, I can see right through you. You try to hide it with your defenses but, I can see right through you. I am listening to more than you words - I am listening to all the things that you do not say. I am listening to body language and let me tell you...what you say without words holds so much more than the diarrhea that spews forth from you lips. "You're my problem," you say. "Okay," I reply, I know that it's the alcoholic talking now. "You think that you're so perfect, don't you?" "Okay," I know that you need to knock me down so you feel better. "Oh, fuck you!" "Okay," now you're defensive. It's the same old story; same players, same stage, but wait...the plot may be thickening. I make you crazy, Don't worry, sleep easy. I expect too much from you, Don't worry, sleep easy. You can't be perfect, Don't worry, sleep easy. I'm a pessimist, a downer, Don't worry, sleep easy. There is too much pressure, Don't worry, sleep easy. When you wake, your head will hurt, but not for long. You'll notice - there's no sound. No baby giggling, no wife making breakfast, no kids chasing each other around. You'll get up feeling a little uneasy. You'll open the bedroom door, but there will be no beautiful blue-eyed little girl to greet you; no wife bringing coffee and leaning down to kiss you softly; no "good mornin' honey" wink; no boys playing video games; no girls asking for hugs. There will be no distractions. You can gather your thoughts. Maybe you will find peace, clarity, serenity. You'll realize some day that while you spent time making up your mind about marriage, kids, addiction, sobriety, and what ever else you're looking for, we had to get moving. There's living to be done and you'll just have to catch up - if you want. No pressure, no responsibility, you can sleep easy tonight.