SJE's blog: "Thats my life...."

I'm the girl!! I'm the girl who will put her head on your shoulder, not because she's sleepy, but because she wants to be closer to you... I'm the girl who likes to be kissed in the rain, more than inside a house or in an expensive resturant... I'm the girl who says,"ok, but you owe me..." jokingly not because I actually want something, but because it means I get to spend more time with you... I'm the girl you can take absolutely anywhere and I will (or at least try to) have fun because it means I am spending time with you... I'm the girl who is incredibly picky, but when I find someone I like I want to spend the whole night curled up in their arms... I'm the girl who never forgets all the sweet little things you do for me... I'm the girl who never gives up hope even when I tell others I have... I'm the girl who once I let you into my heart, there's always a place there with your name on it. And even if we spend time apart, I'm the girl who never forgets you. I'm the girl who loves to end a hug with a kiss... I'm the girl who you can talk to about anything... I'm the girl who laughs at your jokes... I'm the girl who will have many inside jokes with you and will remember each one... I'm the girl who will brag about you to all of my friends... I'm the girl who will listen to you talk... I'm the girl who really does want to be friends after a break up... I'm the girl who loves it when you hug me for no apparent reason... I'm the girl who loves it when you hug me from behind or kiss me on the forehead.. I'm the girl who loves you for you, and doesn't care what other people say about us... I'm the girl who loves it when you introduce me to your friends as your girlfriend... I'm the girl who loves the feeling when you take me by the hand without saying a word... I'm the girl who is psychic, I say I love you too, before you say it, because I know that's what you were about to say... I'm the girl who is happy when you smile, because it takes away my sadness... I'm the girl who is scared to die, but would love to die held in your arms... I AM THAT GIRL!!!!!!

Ever get that feeling that nothing you do is ever right or that the whole world is plotting against ur very existance? Yup thats me. I know wut I want and I've been after it, well him forever...it just never ends there is always something standing in the way. Weather it be sum1 or my own goddamn stupidity always something. Every time I get close to being able to prove myself n my love to him n his family sumthin gets sed and taken the wrong way or sumthin happens and everything gets ripped away. Its been 2 steps forward and 20 steps back. I just want to prove myself and my feelings. Throughout this whole ordeal I have grown up alot and let go of the immature jealousy and the immature little kid fits that I used to throw I have tried to prove that I've grown up at least a little and I am ready for a serious mature relationship and its not enuf I guess. I don't know wut to do. I'd give just about anything or do anything I had to just to make them see that the mistakes that I made were nothing but mistakes that I have learned from and never plan to do again I just don't know wut else I can do. I'm ready and tryin to prove myself but never get the chance. I love this man with all of my heart never felt this way before and the loss of him and any connection to him is a near fatal blow. It hurts worse with every second that goes by or breath that I take. I am trying SO hard and it seems that I am getting nowhere....I'm closer to where I started....january 18th 2006 yeah i remember. IT HURTS!! AHH I'm frustrated with myself and blame no1 but myself because I can't see where I keep fuckin up!!!!!!! My intentions are exactly wut I sed....to prove my love to him and his family....cuz that (love) is honestly (may God strike me dead right and now if its not) all I have for them...all of them. I just don't know wut else do to.....

Its been a while but ok here goes it....Its pretty much same shit different day...still totally head over heals in love with the same guy and all that stuff but its goin ok I guess...we still aren't back together but its one step at a time right? Anyhoo I took my big ass to classes and took my state test I am officially an STNA thats awesome I missed it. Big step but I made it. Now the next step is to get a job n start bringin in the cash right? WRONG since sum dumbfuck who was SUPPOSED to be my best friend...like my fuckin brother decided to be a pussy n call the cops I ended up losin my fuckin license....damnit. But oh well I'll find a way around it I always do. My kid wow shes gettin big!She turned 1 Wednesday. Got 4 teeth now n startin to walk. Seems like just yesterday they were handin her to me n tellin me she weighed 7 lbs and was 19in. long n Shawn was scared to death to hold her! lol! I'll never forget that...took him 2 hrs but he did finally hold her. lmao! Things were A LOT better when she was born but I have this undying faith that things will get better for the both of us. Thats all u can have when u don't have certainty right? I hope. Well I gotta go thnx 4 readin ya'll have a good one!

Ok so um yeah...take that last blog light it on fire and blow the ashes straight the fuck away....woopdeefuckindoo huh? Oh well life is peachy anyway other than the fact that my wisdom teeth are straight kickin my ass. I gots good friends to heal a broken heart....friends who every1 swears to God Imma hook up with but wutever right? My heart isn't really broken not really I went thru too much shit to even give a fuck at the end I went numb sumwhere in it all. I feel nothing for any1. I love my friends as friends and thats it I love my family cuz we share the same blood and thats it and I love my daughter cuz shes my world....tada there ya have it. Everything and every1 else can kiss my fat white ass for all I care. I know wut I gotta do so so I'm doin it...Y give a flyin fuck about people who don't give a flyin fuck about u? And y deal with the shit that spews out of people's mouths when u know that they have no clue about wuts really goin on. I know who all is true to me and who isn't so I'm good. Every1 can talk their shit and make their accusations and judgments and watch me sit back with an ice cold beer and enjoy the festivities. Life is wut u make it and I just made mine care fuckin free. Prolly the smartest thing I ever did just wish I'da done it a lot sooner. Alright I'm passin the fuck out thanx for readin nighty night ya'll.

Ok so um yeah...When u say I love u wut do u mean? I mean I love u...I love who u are and everything about u n I wanna be with u. To all the guys...Wut do u really mean when u tell sum1 that u love them but u don't wanna be with anyone right now. I've been told that its just a way to nicely reject sum1 so ur still on their good side and can still get wut u want out of them if u know wut I mean. I've done blogs about people making comments about things and jumpin to conclusions without reason so I won't be a hypocrit...I want to be the one to make this guy happy and I wanna be his world....I think I was once but things got all screwed up n it was prolly mostly my fault bein jealous n immature but to be clear I THOUGHT I had my reasons....but anyhoo this love that I have for this dude is like none I've ever had before and I must say its killin me. I feel everything can be fixed....but I'm pretty sure he doesn't. If we did decide to try it again it would be #4. I'd give anything to be his #1 again. I know its corny and sad but I really miss him callin me baby I don't know if it was the way he sed it or wut but damn I miss it. For me, its the kinda love that I get butterflies when I see him in person or online (yes its that bad lol) One touch or one kiss makes me feel on top of the world and eye contact with him can bring me to my knees...I can't help but smile every time cuz my whole body is tingling. YES I GOT IT BAD AND THERE DOESN'T SEEM TO BE A WAY TO SHAKE IT!!! I don't really wanna for that matter. When I'm with him and he lets it be known hes there with me it makes my day. There are little things that he sez n does that make me feel so special....yet he can't be with me. And then the high goes away and I go back to feelin crushed and empty. I just want him to feel the same....I love him.

Must I cry on every fuckin holiday?! My first Mother's Day got totally fuckin ruined....man this sux. Always somethin. I spend all my time tryin to satisfy and keep the people in my life fuckin happy and only get shit on. I'm sick of it I'm serious. I'm really startin to think that love doesn't exist.....fuck it wutever.

I REALLY WISH PEOPLE WOULD TAKE THE TIME TO UNDERSTAND SHIT FROM MY POINT OF VIEW B4 THEY GO N ACT STUPID!!!!! I did nothin wrong. I asked to get the truth about the shit that was goin on. Turns out that nothin that happened or got sed meant shit. I didn't know the word LOVE could mean so little to sum1 or be used as just a word and no emotion actaully behind it. All I wanted was to be shown that that word that had gotten sed to me was meant. But I guess not. That really fuckin hurts. OK I just needed to vent. Have a nice day! lol!

Some people have a really good point....how can you say you love someone and treat them like shit? HAHAHAHAHAHA Whatever I know you'll read this shit and you know who you are so I AM HAPPY FOR YA'LL CONGRATS SERIOUSLY!!!! Tried to tell ya that....I'm NOT jealous I have no reason to be. I was upset because I made a mistake and can't fix it. Its funny how people can talk about other people without even knowing them. But anyway Imma end this thing...Peace! Love 2 all....even the haters! LMFAO!!!!!