Lonely Heart's blog: "Tears....."

Words to a song that say some of what I feel... As your bony fingers close around me Long and spindly Death becomes me Heaven can you see what I see Hey you pale and sickly child You're death and living reconciled Been walking home a crooked mile Paying debt to karma You party for a living What you take won't kill you But careful what you're giving There's no time for hesitating Pain is ready, pain is waiting Primed to do it's educating Unwanted, uninvited kin It creeps beneath your crawling skin It lives without it lives within you Feel the fever coming You're shaking and twitching You can scratch all over But that won't stop you itching Can you feel a little love Can you feel a little love Dream on dream on Blame it on your karmic curse Oh shame upon the universe It knows its lines It's well rehearsed It sucked you in, it dragged you down To where there is no hallowed ground Where holiness is never found Paying debt to karma You party for a living What you take won't kill you But careful what you're giving Can you feel a little love Can you feel a little love Dream on dream on Depeche Mode

to exist in nothingness... a cold abyss of dark unfeeling, unchanging empty. No desire, no inadequacy, no hate, no love... empty. The loss of pain forever. Also the loss of pleasure. Is it really worth it? Pleasure at the cost of pain? A dark, unknown future... or a dark well known future... whats worse? To know or not to know. Tears, thoughts, voices, pain. When the thoughts are not logic but pure emotion. Where is the common ground? Is it any less myself when I don't feel in control of the thoughts? Why they conjure the most painful feelings... Just to cry harder? Truth, untruth... is there really a difference.

Why? Why do I continue? Why do I go on? What is there that I must keep going forward for? Through mountains and valleys and deserts and oceans I continue to move on, step after painful step. Even when I know the next one is going to hurt I take it. Again another step and another. Why? Every obstacle harder than the last, and the future very plain to see. Nothing I care for, just there. I know the way out, I know what can stop it. But I go on. The next day the same as the last, pain. Some days I physically hurt. Some days I hurt in all ways but physical. It all hurts just the same though. And I go on. Why? I can see that others hurt like me. I can see that as I am alone, there are others like me. So many times I just want to stop. But I go on. It seems the worst is when I get hope. Its grand, its great and things seem like they will be ok! But then its gone and the pain is worse than before, 'cause I thought I could be free. I realize, I knew. I saw this all before. Again I ask why? Why do I go on? I saw it happen, I saw how it will be. Long before I could understand everything I could see, I saw. So knowing what will be, and what will come or not come, why? Why do I go on?

My heart, aching, pulling, empty.... Tears threatening, a lump in my throat.... Stomach churning, knees weak.... Teeth clenched, to hide the pain.... Reminded of the future, once again.... To remain alone, not to be found.... An ocean, between the world And me.

I am unseen. I always have been. Hiding in the shadows of this fleshy prison. Tormented by emotion and pain. I know what lies ahead, for I have seen. I will meet those I must, I will go where I must, I will do as I must, I will serve those who need me... my desires will not be fullfilled in this life. As my life dictates, I am to be unseen, unknown, and alone.

I am crying... no I havn't been hurt physically, no I'm not sad, no I don't want attention (just the opposite) I am so fucking pissed off and frustrated that tears are just pouring down my face. I am screaming so loud and so hard and I want to smash my head into a brick wall just to make it stop! In all this I am still not heard. Just leave me be! He still askes the same question that I said I dont fucking know! I am no genius, yeah I am smart, but I didn't write the damn software to make it work for you! Can I just be alone sometimes and not have to jump to fix something of yours? Why is it I cant just talk to someone online, or lay down when I hurt, no I have to fix your shit! And it's not asked of me it's expected. Ask you asshole! and give me a break when I say I need to stop! Take a break from it when your pissed and stop yelling over the smallest shit and calm the fuck down.