slaverage's blog: "Taboo"

Boy do I have a story to tell. For those of you who do not have EXTREMELY open minds, including my mother LMAO, this is probably not a blog entry that you want to read. Because I know you will read it anyways, just know that nothing you could say or do will change who I am. I state this because a friend recently informed me that I am advertising myself sexually on my myspace and Yahoo 360 pages. A lot of my blogs, including this one, have to do with relationships. A few of them, including this one, deal with my sensuality/sexuality. Unfortunate only to those who will not be able to handle this, it is not something that has just begun or will ever change. It is who I always have been and always will be. Please accept this! It started a couple years ago in a relationship that was very adventurous. Every week, every day, was spent trying to find a new way to make our sex life adventuresome. We investigated everything! It was an open relationship where we were free to accept or reject anything that came along. We were free to explore new ideas on our own when the other didn’t want to explore. It was quite liberating. In this process I began to learn more about the world of BDSM. This 4 letter ‘word’ has layers of meaning to it BD for bondage/discipline DS for dominant/submissive SM for sadism/masochism or slave/Master. Being a dominatrix is easy as play time but it did not excite me. The more I investigated my sensual side, the more I realized this key fact. The main thing that turns me on is knowing that I turn someone else on and that they care for me completely. This ideology led me down many roads but I never found the one for me to travel. No matter where I went or what I tried, this sole notion remained true but it didn’t make me fit. I couldn’t see where it was that I belonged. Until I found my sexual calling. As much as I had toyed with this fetish world I never took it as anything more than role-playing and toys. I was travelling along my narrow path in cyberspace one day when I came across exactly what I was looking for. It is called the Master’s Creed. I strongly suggest that you read this before you judge that M word. That is the one word that makes me swoon. It is exactly what I’d been wanting all along. Someone who could give me exactly the task to make him happy. Yet, someone that would cherish me and love me for all that I am and all that I do. That is the basic relationship that we all strive for anyways, isn’t it? So here I sit, nervous as anything. It’s so exhilarating and the excitement burns through my veins. To know that this average pretty girl can make one man SOOOOOO happy. That is my purpose. To know that he cares enough to consider my own happiness above his own. That is my treasure. If this still makes no sense, let me give you a little history on where I come from. All my relationships have been on one basis. A guy likes me (there was one girl, we’ll save that for another time). I bend over backward to make him happy. He takes advantage of this, uses me, then abuses me, then it’s over. No matter what the relationship, this is the pattern, even with the female who scorned me against all other women. It’s never been a physical thing – I’ve stopped the relationships before it was. No hitting or beatings. One or two has raised a hand to me but they’ve never successfully hit me. Mostly mental/emotional/verbal abuse that I felt like I deserved because I had not done what was asked exactly as it should have been. At first I thought this was a design flaw. I was raised without a father. My mother had a lot of different boyfriends as is natural for 13 years of growing up. I tried so hard to get each of them to stay but it never worked. This had to be the reason for my desire to please. Psychologically it makes sense. Mother, if you start beating yourself up over this we are going to have to sit down and get a good conversation going because this is NOT YOUR FAULT – it’s NO ONE’s fault, there is no blame due in this situation. After much investigation, I have discovered that the reason for this feeling of submission is just being the way I am. It’s a good thing! It’s just a way to enjoy myself. Some people like the color blue, other’s the color black. Some have a reason, some don’t. This is my favorite color of love and I have no reason besides that I want it. It’s a good thing! I cannot stress that enough. This is something to rejoice over. Please do not be sad for me or worry for me. This is the balance that I have needed all my life. This is the purpose and direction that my relationships have searched for. This is a better side of all that I have experienced. I now have the ok to be exactly as I have always been. I am not evil or wicked or sinful. I am good and honest and caring. Now my relationships have meaning beyond sex. Now I have guidelines to use in choosing that Master. I can feel more comfortable leaving the relationship because I know that I will still be pleasing him by giving him the freedom to find someone else. No, it’s not mind control. I’m not being beaten into submission. My Master is over a thousand miles away. If I didn’t want to do as he requests, I could physically say no. It would not be easy to do though. Every fiber of my being wants to please him and do whatever he requires of me. I know from experience that he only wants the best of me. For harm to come to me at his hands would be a disgrace. Quit crying, mother! Everything that anyone has always wanted for me has now become attainable. Someone who can complete me and help me to be my best. Someone who will take care of me and provide for me. Someone who will accept me and love me not just for who I am but for who I can become. I don’t know yet that I have already found the Master I want to own me. Only time will tell that. But I know I want to be owned. So, leave your comments, your questions. I will gladly answer them the best I can. Maybe your question is one that I haven’t asked yet myself. Feel free to check out all aspects of this. I have included a link that describes exactly what I have wanted – the Master’s Creed. For more information, just click the Info Page link at the bottom of the Master’s Creed and you will find a lot of answers to your questions. Be happy for me!

i have found myself very lacking.. i'm sure that this is the life i want but i learn every day that i have more to learn than i dreamed of the night before. i have come to the conclusion that if i am to succeed then i must buckle down. i will be drilling myself on the rules that Master and i have agreed to. i will follow them to the best of my ability. i will confess every night any rule that has been broken in the slightest. i will be denying myself some of the better pleasures that i have so far enjoyed. i have already denied myself writing - this is my first post in a long time and will be my last for a while. i will not be crying out for pity or understanding. i need to remember my place. i am no more than a piece of property and a servant. i have no will of my own. i want nothing for myself. the rules that have been placed before me shall become a part of me so that they are always in my thoughts. i am sure that there are many ways i have misbehaved that i myself do not even realize. please, do not hold my Master accountable for this. i have resisted the training he has offered for far too long and tried to find my own to replace it. that shall no longer be. ok this is getting too deep in thought for me. i need to go to bed now. i just wanted to tell my friends that i wouldn't be available for a little while.

i have been given an opportunity and hopefully made the best of it. i knew that there was a lot to learn to stop this princess from becoming stuckup spoiled and downright rude. i didn’t realize how hard it would be to avoid such things. i had already headed down the path to seeing the fruition of these labors and it wasn’t pretty. Yes as most of my friends will attest to, i can be quite selfcentered, egotistical, and pious. i am rarely wrong and if i am i will be the first to admit it. There is a lot of pride in that statement. In all honesty, if i was any kind of friend at all i wouldn’t use that statement. Why does this little girl have such a hard time showing her appreciation of her friends? They bend over backwards for me when i need them the most. They put up with all my bitchiness and shit and love me still. i want to grow to be a better person than who i am now. To sum it up, i’d like to learn the self control and discipline it takes to be a person who can change her corner of the world. This is something that only my Master could teach me. i cannot learn it on my own because then it would always be about me. Now, it is all about Him. The oddest thing is the fashion in which i have begun to learn this. i wasn’t whipped into submission. He didn’t have to force me to fear him and question every thought going through my head. i was simply ignored. i got no attention whatsoever – bad or good. This took the focus off of me and turned it toward Him with no punishment involved. Every waking thought is becoming based on the rules i was given. They are burning themselves in my memory. Even stranger is the fact that i am done with my temper tantrums and whining and crying. Yes i acted like a bratty child for quite a while. It was not pretty. i was mad and upset and scared. How dare he leave me alone to fend for myself? What did i do to disappoint him so much? i’ve done all i could to get his attention and not succeeded – will i ever succeed? Ever cried yourself to sleep from exhaustion? i basically wore myself out so much acting like a baby that i finally couldn’t do it anymore. Once i had no energy to do anything else, i started actually listening to what my friends were telling me. Jus t be patient. Patience – that word struck a chord. i recalled a time a few days before when i requested to learn patience. i then also remembered stating i would BE patient. Oh my God, i asked for this! What the hell was i thinking. i also realized why safewords were invented. Despite all my whining and crying, the lesson needed to be learned. Had i safeworded out, i would still be stuck the same person i was. Now i sit before you humbled – not perfect but i more understand and consider my place. My place consists of this – i will keep myself ready for my Master at all times. i will keep my house clean and presentable as to not be an embarrassment to my Master. i will take care of myself as necessary that i may be used in any way Master would like. i will conduct myself in a manner that would represent my Master well. i will wait for my Master to decide when it is my time! These are not even a handful of the rules that i need to learn. i guarantee i haven’t learned them in their completeness. i understand more now than i did before what it will take for me to be the best slave i can be. i can’t wait to see what i learn next.

What do you want? Really truly deeply what do you desire? If you examine this question i guarantee you will surprise yourself. i'm not referring to the simple little things that would be nice for the moment. Like threesomes, there are some things that you experience and the desire is gone. You simply want to experience the moment, not retain it as a lifestyle change. These are not deep seated desires, they are just flippant thoughts of grandure. i have recently been confronted with the decision of what i want. This has led to some deep thinking and consideration because of my princess nature and slave nature. They conflict in many ways and therefore, i thought I had to choose which i desire i wanted more. Yes there are some desires that will conflict with each other. They are constant needs of change in our lives. Like a switch. While they desire to be dominated, they also desire to be dominating. It is not a fleeting wish; it is a constant change that occurs in their lives. Sometimes these desires can coexist as they do in a switch. Sometimes one of these desires must overcome the other. In my case, my princess nature and slave nature coexist. My princess nature is what leads me to want the beautiful adorable dressed up prim and proper lady to come out and be noticed and cherished. My slave nature desires nothing more than to serve my Master in any way that i can. In this fashion, the two desires can coexist under only one condition – the Master i serve wishes me to be a princess because he himself is a Prince. There is still conflict remaining in the fact that a princess is in possession of servants and followers. The slave would be the lowest of the people, not the highest. Wonderfully under the care of a good Master, both sides can come to an agreement. Let me become the respectable, cherished, honored slaveprincess that i was born to be. Let me learn to respect those who wish to serve me and adore the Prince who gives me all that I need and desire. Let me be slave to a crown and the Man who gave it to me. This is what i desire most of all.

I am learning a lot in this world of BDSM. Thanks to the wonderful advice of quite a few friends, I am learning quickly. There are a lot of questions that churn through my mind but I have a great arsenal of friends to learn from. Just in the past week, what I have learned has once again changed my point of view in this lifestyle. This is not to say that I have changed my mind what I desire or want for myself as a slave. I just know better now how to go about achieving those goals and acquiring what I need to fulfill my desires. It amazes me how much logic and common sense is involved in the decision making with BDSM. The biggest obstacle I have found in discovering this new purpose for myself is my own preconceived notions and complications. For example, I first assumed that all masters were Masters. They’re not. Most of them are ordinary jack asses who want nothing more than to use whoever they can. A master/mistress is just someone in charge of the relationship. They do not become Master/Mistress until they have shown themselves worthy. Once I knew to be more careful who I referred to as Master, I learned that there is more to a Master than sharing the same wants and desires. Unfortunately, you have to find someone that is relationship material first. Yes, this is something you would have to do with any match but of course with the BDSM half added to it now. Now I’m finding that it is even less complicated. My latest dilemma was this. How could I have a Master and not be owned? How could I be owned and not have a collar? Without being owned how do I tell others that I’m not available? See.. sounds complicated. But it’s really not. I choose who I talk to and who I’m available to whether I’m owned or collared or not. A Master can be someone that simply has control over you because you wish it. They do not have to own you – I personally am just in training with my Master. We are learning how to work together and if we can. I cannot wait for the next ever so simple revelation. It makes it better for me every day. Also, if this doesn’t sound all that great and just doesn’t make sense, it’s because I’m not feeling well. I’ll proof read it once I’m feeling better and straighten it up. And a big thankyou to some fubar friends - Iron mountainman! and Lady K (~Twisted Goddess~)

i wasn't sure what blog to put this entry under. so if it should be the other one, let me know. here we go! i have become a spoiled child. i have learned as the middle daughter of my only mother that i must beg for attention. it is not a good thing. it's rather annoying to my friends and colleagues. i'm sure it annoys my family and those who are too close to me to say so as well. heck i even annoy myself. i'm loud, rambunctious, and whiny. some days, it's all about me! i am the center of attention no matter what. i know we all have days like that but really, i have too many days like that - quit denying it. i'm not going to stop being your friend because you acknowledge the truth of the matter. i have always accepted this as a part of who i am. as i'm writing this though, i am realizing that this is a part of what i lack. i lack the grace and decency to sit back and be in the shadows. my demands for attention and admiration must be met but they are not needs. they are simply tantrums of a child. wow, what a revelation. back to the subject of this blog! this spoiled child has tried to insist on being a slave. i will not rest until i am the perfect slave and everyone better just realize. in being the perfect slave, i deserve to get all that i want and more. and i should not have to wait for it. please tell me that this does not sound right to you either lmao. i'm spoiled. spoiled means that it has overgrown with bacteria, viruses, or mold of some kind and is past its usefulness. fortunately being a spoiled human instead of spoiled food, this can be reversed. hopefully without too much trauma i can still have a chance to be a well behaved respectable adult instead of an overgrown child. yeah, self burn lol enjoy it while it lasts :D so, this now becomes a goal that with my Master's and friend's help i would like to achieve. this and the whole snake thing. :P i am a princess but i want to be a good princess not mud. now you see why i don't know which blog to put this under

I recently began a journey into a lifestyle of 24/7 BDSM. This fits me well for many reasons. I’m a freak. I like to be constantly involved in mental foreplay. I love knowing that I can make someone SO delighted. It’s like Christmas every day! Because of this, I almost diverted back to being the lonely needy girl I used to be. Falling for all the wrong guys is a bad habit to start back into. Luckily my experience in relationships has stuck with me like riding a bicycle. Always pay attention to the red flags! I don’t care how enamored he has you or how right it feels. If there are caution signs going up around you, there is a reason! I had to learn this from my true Master. There is no need for this to be anything but a fun and enjoyable lifestyle. My former master seemed so comforting when he needed to be most. He showed nurture and support as often as the devil himself could. He acted encouraging and so rewarding. What could a man so wonderful possibly do so wrong? Isn’t that the end all to every question. The first thing you need to realize is that when you idolize someone so much there is usually a not so good reason for it. Sometimes your brain just can’t handle another person letting you down so it goes into a state of denial. At other times, you are just being fed a line of bullshit that you want to believe too badly. Either way, it is not good. No one is perfect – search out the flaws and study them. Learn from them. You know they are there. My true Master has a flaw, kind of. He’s an asshole. He’s a good one too – and he’ll be the first to tell you so. Of course, as his slave, I like it. He is honest and straight forward. He doesn’t try to control what I’m not ready for him to. He is not helpful and caring only when he absolutely needs to be. He is supportive and comforting at all times! I am sure he could possibly do wrong but I will never see it as such. The times that he does make a mistake, he admits it immediately thereby correcting his error. I wish that I could be so quick to confess when I’ve broken a rule! He makes no excuses for who he is or what he does. He teaches me and learns of me and shows me how to achieve what I desire. “Excuses are tools of incompetence that building mindlessness out of nothingness and those that use them seldom accomplish anything.” – Author Unknown Anything that your master needs to give an excuse or reason for should be examined. If it requires that much thought on your part then it doesn’t involve common sense. Avoiding common sense is the number one problem that will get you burned. Don’t accept excuses for why he won’t let you do what you want to do. Take the appropriate action to ensure that you are cared for. While this should simply mean trusting in your master to provide and care for you, if you have red flags, he obviously isn’t. By punishing me, my Master shows that he cares. He wants me to properly learn to behave so that I may achieve my #1 goal of pleasing him. He does so by adjusting any punishment to fit the crime and by allowing me to understand his reasoning – not by making excuses As a bonus, any punishment that ensues is enough to deter me from repeating my poor behavior and at the same time, enjoyable in its own fashion. The use of intelligence can make a large difference when playing this head game. Wisdom and integrity will always rise to the top. Speaking of integrity, never ever accept a lie. Do not accept any form of punishment beyond which would be enjoyed. Do not allow the humiliation to bring you so low that you can’t come back up. You are a dog. You are the lowest of low – a slave. Hold your head high and be proud of the slave you are! A good Master should be reminding you of this always – and should never bring on the punishment or humiliation so harsh that you truly question your self worth! There is nothing I would want more than to be paraded around on a leash. My punishment comes from not being allowed to please my Master. He understands that while punishment is there to deter us from doing what we wish to not do, it must not be so harsh as to create unhealthy fears. I do not fear my Master for he guides me wonderfully. There is nothing to fear except the awesome power that he exudes over me. I don’t know how else to explain to you that despite your stature as a slave, you must stop the cycle of abuse. There are too many ‘masters’ out there who can take on unknowing slaves in training and ruin their lives. Fortunately, because of those of us who come before, new slaves can be warned of this treachery and redirected to areas of help. Reach out to those who need it and teach them what it means to walk away. I walked away with the threat of being blackballed by a master who had no other power than fear. I found a wonderful Master who enjoys the power I give him without threats or harassment. That is joy!

It has been mentioned extensively to not neglect safety and limits. I have read it myself hundreds of times. Despite the warnings, as a slave in training I greatly neglected this simply in an effort to please and not cause discontent. Forcing myself ot push past what was enough was what I thought was expected of me. IT"S NOT! Not one bit. There is a limit to pushing past your limits. We must all recognize those limits. It's more than just you will do what I tell you to. I have found this to be one of the greater misconceptions of BDSM. It is not a one way relationship with everything being done simply to please the top. It's a power exchange not a power trip! Having experienced this, hear out a beginner's thoughts. Be wary of those times when your mind actually decides to obey a command that you are not comfortable with. Sometimes it's a good thing; we need to conquer our fears. Be more wary when it is something that creates an emotional or mental battle in your life. These times of turmoil can lead to hardships and trying times in your relationships. You will find yourself slowly wondering how much farther things will go before they become enough. As a bottom, you could be teaching your top that you want more or can take more than what you can actually handle. Personally, I was lucky enough to have a good trainer and Master and Mistress to take care of me when I went too far too fast. Not everyone will be that lucky - so don't do it in the first place! One of the most crippling things you can do to this culture is to allow yourself to be abused for it. Now abuse usually means that you would be hurt by someone who wants to hurt you. But that is not the abuse I am referring to. You can be abused simply by someone applying force to you physically or mentally or emotionally that you cannot protect yourself against. Even if they don't know they are doing it, they can still be abusing you. Take care of their emotions as well and let them know when they've pushed things too far. Don't say it's ok when it's not. Don't say you'll be fine when you are dying inside. Allow them the opportunity to take care of you. That is what safewords and limits and aftercare are about. Allowing the positive side to show through in the one person who demands the best of you. BDSM has been widely known for pain, torture, control. Masters/Dommes are seen as selfish. Slaves/Subs are seen as weak. This is where the best is hidden from public view. A good Top takes care of the bottom when they can. They want to hear the safewords so they know when enough is enough. They need to know the limits so that they know where not to go. They enjoy providing the aftercare and bringing you back to where you need to be. As a bottom, do not neglect your Top. Allow them to care for you, to love you, to comfort you. Don't let the pain outweigh the pleasure.

I don’t know where to start to describe the incredible thing that has happened to me. Those of you who have dealt with extreme trauma may understand. As they can share, unfortunately, it is indescribably to those who have not experience it firsthand. Of course indescribable means that I will use every word in my vocabulary to express this to you knowing that I will not succeed. It is the point of psychotic break when all your defenses fall. Your every secret fear is laid bear for all to see and do with as they please. You have no protection whasoever. Everything and anything acan and will hurt and scare you. You want to be alone because for anyone to see you in such a state would hurt you although not intentionally. No this doesn’t sound good at all. You’re right. Living in this state I would imagine causes multiple suicides. At the same time, I have been through this and survived. It is that survival that is so incredible. I went through an experience where I felt just as I’ve described and more. Let me warn you that before you try to identify with this vulnerability CHANCE and PROBABILITY state that you can’t. Just accept that this was extreme trauma uncovered and move on. The most traumatic part of this experience is that the two wonderful people who brought me to this place were gone before I realized the severity of my situation. Here I lay alone sobbing to exhaustion no knowing if I’d wake up the next morning or if I wanted to. When I did wake up I accessed every resource I could to find out what had happened and why I couldn’t shake the uneasiness and anxiety that surrounded me. I found nothing but more questions yet I had to press on! After all, I could not let this halt my life. I knew the worst was over and I needed to simply process the experience. That is I would go to work, come home, and Master and Mistress would explain everything. That’s when it all came out. Master was online. This meant I could have my answers now instead of risking my mental and emotional state at work. Unfortunately, I started to relive the experience all over again. The nervousness, anxiety, vulnerability all came flooding over me. He knew all of my fears, all my doubts. I had spilled them all in a rant email sent the night before when I was most fragile. The tears once again began to fall. I couldn’t bear it. He was trying to understand. Trying so hard to help and reassure and calm me down. Then the fear multiplied by 100, when he asked my phone number and the phone actually rang. I knew that my tender emotions were not ready but I also knew that there would be trouble if I didn’t pick up. The water poured from my eyes. Take a deep breath. Nice and slow. These were the words I heard as I tried to pour my heart out and apologize. All I remember is the lack of fear, the shelter beginning to build, the peace that came over me. His words reminding me that it is ok, that he was not mad. How could those words have ever been so comforting. The most amazing part of this incident was the after effect. With facing all of those fears nothing could stop me. I answered everyone’s questions with pride. My friendships rose to new levels because I was no longer afraid. All of this because I submitted control.