Queen of Wonderland's blog: "stupid people"

They like it hammered they like it sober they like it with bags on your head they like it in a water bed they like it while driving they like it, lights off they like it, lights on they like it on the lawn they like it in traffic they like it in front of the tv they like it on the tv as long as you ain't got no std

The key to my heart seems to be lost or at the very least, misplaced. Every time it seems I actually do something right, I turn around and screw up in everyone's eyes. I had a boyfriend, granted he wasn't the best and he screwed up a lot, I was happy. Then I realized that I was happier with someone else but the distance keeps us apart. We want to be together but now that I've told him that this week I will be enlisting in the Navy, I'm afraid I lost him too. Either no one wants to see me follow my dreams and desires or else I'm just a screwup in this world. I break non-existent promises, crush a heart with enticing words that are stronger than an atomic bomb. If I was to leave everyone seems to make it out that the world would fall apart. I'm everyone's mother, daughter, sister, lover, wife and maid. If I was to leave who would pick up after others, who would offer advice, who would draw their ex boyfriends name and a frown face on the bottom of a shoe and step on it in front of your best friend to make it laugh? Who? Who, I ask.

I really do, I date a 24 pot smoking idiot. I told him today that soon I plan on joining the NAVY and he told me that I should stay home instead so he can be with me!

I'm qualifying myself for this one. Have you ever caught yourself thinking about someone all the time, about all the promises the two of you made and then have them shattered by a dose of reality? I just did. I knew it was too good to be true but for some reason I wanted it to work even though I knew it never would. I'm just a hopeless romantic *sigh*

On a recent weekend in Atlantic City, a woman won a bucketful of quarters at a slot machine. She took a break from the slots for dinner with her husband in the hotel dining room. But first she wanted to stash the quarters in her room. "I'll be right back and we'll go to eat," she told her husband and carried the coin-laden bucket to the elevator. As she was about to walk into the elevator she noticed two men already aboard. Both were black. One of them was big.. very big... an intimidating figure. The woman froze. Her first thought was: These two are going to rob me. Her next thought was: Don't be a bigot, they look like perfectly nice gentlemen. But racial stereotypes are powerful, and fear immobilized her. She stood and stared at the two men. She felt anxious, flustered and ashamed. She hoped they didn't read her mind - but God, they had to know what she was thinking! Her hesitation about joining them in the elevator was all too obvious now. Her face was flushed. She couldn't just stand there, so with a mighty effort of will she picked up one foot and stepped forward and followed with the other foot and was on the elevator. Avoiding eye contact, she turned around stiffly and faced the elevator doors as they closed. A second passed, and then another second, and then another. Her fear increased! The elevator didn't move. Panic consumed her. My God, she thought, I'm trapped and about to be robbed! Her heart plummeted. Perspiration poured from every pore. Then one of the men said, "Hit the floor." Instinct told her to do what they told her. The bucket of quarters flew upwards as she threw out her arms and collapsed on the elevator floor. A shower of coins rained down on her. Take my money and spare me, she prayed. More seconds passed. She heard one of the men say politely, "Ma'am, if you'll just tell us what floor you're going to, we'll push the button." The one who said it had a little trouble getting the words out. He was trying mightily to hold in a belly laugh. The woman lifted her head and looked up at the two men. They reached down to help her up. Confused, she struggled to her feet. "When I told my friend here to hit the floor," said the average sized one, "I meant that he should hit the elevator button for our floor. I didn't mean for you to hit the floor, ma'am." He spoke genially. He bit his lip. It was obvious he was having a hard time not laughing. The woman thought: My God, what a spectacle I've made of myself. She was too humiliated to speak. She wanted to blurt out an apology, but words failed her. How do you apologize to two perfectly respectable gentlemen for behaving as though they were going to rob you? She didn't know what to say. The three of them gathered up the strewn quarters and refilled her bucket. When the elevator arrived at her floor they insisted on walking her to her room. She seemed a little unsteady on her feet, and they were afraid she might not make it down the corridor. At her door they bid her a good evening. As she slipped into her room she could hear them roaring with laughter as they walked back to the elevator. The woman brushed herself off. She pulled herself together and went downstairs for dinner with her husband. The next morning flowers were delivered to her room - a dozen roses. Attached to EACH rose was a crisp one hundred dollar bill. The card said: "Thanks for the best laugh we've had in years." It was signed, Eddie Murphy Michael Jordan

HEIDI - noun. Greeting. HIRE YEW - complete sentence. Remainder of greeting. Usage: "Heidi, hire yew?" BARD - verb. Past tense of the infinitive "to borrow." Usage: "My brother bard my pickup truck." JAWJUH - noun. A highly flammable state just north of Florida. Usage: "My brother from Jawjuh bard my pickup truck." MUNTS - noun. A calendar division. Usage: "My brother from Jawjuh bard my pickup truck, and I aint herd from him in munts." BAMMER - noun. The state west of Jawjuh. The capitol is Berminhayum. Usage: "A tornader jes went through Bammer an' lef $20,000,000.00 in improvements." THANK - verb. Ability to cognitively process. Usage: "Ah thank ah'll have a bare." BARE - noun. An alcoholic beverage made of barley, hops an yeast. Usage: "Ah thank ah'll have a bare." IGNERT - adjective. Not smart. See "Auburn Alumni." Usage: "Them N-C-TWO-A boys sure are ignert!" RANCH - noun. A tool. Usage: "I think I left my ranch in the back of that pickup truck my brother from Jawjuh bard a few munts ago." ALL - noun. A petroleum-based lubricant. Usage: "I sure hope my brother from Jawjuh puts all in my pickup truck." FAR - noun. A conflagration. Usage: "If my brother from Jawjuh doesn't change the all in my pickup truck, that things gonna catch far." GRAIN - adjective. A Color. Usage: "She was grain with envy" BAHS - noun. A supervisor. Usage: "If you don't stop reading these Southern words and git back to work, your bahs is gonna far you!" TAR - noun. A rubber wheel. Usage: "Gee, I hope that brother of mine from Jawjuh doesn't git a flat tar in my pickup truck." TIRE - noun. A tall monument. Usage: "Lord willing and the creeks don't rise, I sure do hope to see that Eiffel Tire in Paris sometime." HOT - noun. A blood-pumping organ. HOD - adverb. Not easy. Usage: "A broken hot is hod to fix." RETARD - Verb. To stop working. Usage: "My granpaw retard at age 65." TARRED - adverb. Exhausted. Usage: "I just flew in from Hot-lanta, and boy my arms are tarred." FAT - noun, verb. A battle or combat; to engage in battle or combat. Usage: "You younguns keep fat'n, n' ah'm gonna whup y'uh." RATS - noun. Entitled power or privilege. Usage: "We Southerners are willing to fat for out rats." LOT - adjective. Luminescent. Usage: "I dream of Jeanie in the lot-brown hair." PURDY - adjective. Beautiful. Usage: "She is purdy as a pitcher." BAG - verb. To ask. Usage: "My brother from Jawjuh bagged her to marry him." FARN - adjective. Not local. Usage: "I cudnt unnerstand a wurd he sed... must be from some farn country." YURP - noun. A continent overseas. Usage: "I herd haze from Yurp" DID - adjective. Not alive. Usage: "He's did, Jim." EAR - noun. A colorless, odorless gas (unless you are in LA). Usage: "He can't breathe ... give 'em some ear!" BOB WAR - noun. A sharp, twisted cable. Usage: "Boy, stay away from that bob war fence." JU-HERE - a question. Usage: "Juhere that former Dallas Cowboys' coach Jimmy Johnson recently toured the University of Alabama?" HAZE - a contraction. Usage: "Is Bubba smart?" "Nah... haze ignert." SEED - verb, past tense. VIEW - contraction: verb and pronoun. Usage: "I ain't never seed New York City ... view?" HEAVY DEW - phrase. A request for action. Usage: "Kin I heavy dew me a favor?" GUMMIT - noun. An often-closed bureaucratic institution. Usage: "Great ... ANOTHER gummit shutdown!"

* The North has sun-dried toe-mah-toes, The South has 'mater samiches. * The North has coffee houses, The South has Waffle Houses. * The North has double last names, The South has double first names. * The North has Ted Kennedy, The South has Jesse Helms. * The North has an ambulance, The South has an amalance. * The North has Indy car races, The South has stock car races. * The North has Cream of Wheat, The South has grits. * The North has green salads, The South has collard greens. * The North has lobsters, The South has crawdads. * The North has the Rust belt, The South has the Bible belt. * If you run your car into a ditch, don't panic. Four men in a four-wheel drive pickup truck with a tow chain will be along shortly. Don't try to help them, just stay out of their way. This is what they live for. * Don't be surprised to find movie rentals and bait in the same store. Don't buy food at this store. * Remember, "y'all" is singular, "all y'all" is plural, and "all y'all's" is plural possessive. * Get used to hearing "You ain't from round here, are ya?" * Don't be worried at not understanding what people are saying. They can't understand you either. * The first Southern statement to creep into a transplanted Northerner's vocabulary is the adjective "big'ol," truck or "big'ol" boy. Most Northerners begin their Southern- influenced dialect this way. All of them are in denial about it. * The proper pronunciation you learned in school is no longer proper. * Be advised that "He needed killin" is a valid defense here. * If you hear a Southerner exclaim, "Hey, y'all, watch this," you should stay out of the way. These are likely to be the last words he'll ever say. * If there is the prediction of the slightest chance of even the smallest accumulation of snow, your presence is required at the local grocery store. It doesn't matter whether you need anything or not. You just have to go there. * When you come up on a person driving 15 mph down the middle of the road, remember that most folks learn to drive on a John Deere, and that is the proper speed and position for that vehicle. * Do not be surprised to find that 10-year-olds own their own shotguns, they are proficient marksmen, and their mammas taught them how to aim. * In the South, we have found that the best way to grow a lush green lawn is to pour gravel on it and call it a driveway. And remember: * If you do settle in the South and bear children, don't think we will accept them as Southerners. After all, if the cat had kittens in the oven, we wouldn't call 'em biscuits.

My mother always said that privileges come with age. At 15 I got my permit and started driving places with them in the car, at 16 I got my license and was allowed to drive wherever but I still had a curfew. Well 2 years later she still refuses to let go of me as a little girl. I'm still stuck with a 10 or 11 o'clock curfew because I live at home and have to follow my conservative mothers rules still. It sucks, here I am still having to sneak out as if I was still 14 and wanted to go to a party or out with friends. It's pathetic really, the way she thinks that controlling my main money account which the bank wont switch over to me until I'm 21 because when I was 13 I signed a waiver to keep her as the guardian for another 8-10 years and the loop hole is that I could only change it before I turned 16 so now it's stuck. So if I break my curfew I'm cutoff and without a car ( Although I pay my own insurance I'm on hers ) so she technically still owns the car. I did this agreement because I already have 3 points on my insurance and a few tickets on my record and its about a grand cheaper this way than if I was on my own policy. So what happened to privileges with age....I have to ask because the older I get the more restrictions I have. I got accepted to my first choice in college in downtown Charlotte and she refuses to let me go now. It's sad my motherfucking mother whom I love dearly thinks I'm still 6 years old and refuses to let me go. She needs to realize I'm not her little girl playing hide-n-seek in the backyard anymore and that I'm a young lady.

1. Is there anyone on your friends list you had sex with? yes 2. Is sex best in the morning, afternoon, or night? ummm anytime really 3. What side of the bed do you sleep on? right 4. Lights on or off? off 5. Have you ever had to pull over on the side of the road to puke? yes. I got car sick but I was like 5 6. Have you ever taken your clothes off for money? yes 7. Shower or bath? depends on with whom 8. Do you pee in the shower? no 9. Mexican or Chinese? mexican food 10. Do you want someone aggressive or passive in bed? depends on my mood but I like rough sex 11. Do you love someone on your family list? I love everyone man 13. Love, money, or lust? lust and money 14. Credit cards or cash? Cash 15. Has there ever been anyone in your real family you wish wasn't? yes. most of them 16. Would you rather go camping or to a 5 star hotel? depends on where -- usually camping 17.Vagina? yes I have one 18. Would you shave your entire body (including your head)? yes. 19. Have you ever been to a strip club? yes 20. Ever been to a bar? yes 21. Ever been kicked out of a bar or a club? yes 22. Ever been so drunk you had to be carried out of somewhere? last night I was 23. Kissed someone of the same sex? yes 24. Thrown up from drinking too much? not yet 26. Had sex in a movie theater? yes 27. Had sex in bathroom? yes 28. Had sex in a car? yes 29. Have you ever been in an adult store? yes 30. Bought something from an adult store? yes - whips, candy, costumes, handcuffs, lingerie, lotion, and a few other items. No dildos 31. Have you been caught having sex? Yes in gatlinburg. details only if you ask 32. Have you ever kissed a stranger? yes 33. Does anyone have naughty pics of you? I hope not! 34. Ever kissed anyone on your friends list? Yes. 35. Is there anyone on your friends list you'd like to kiss right now? more than kiss baby

This one is about me. So last night me and my best friend, Rachel, went to starbucks after work and we ran into a girl that we both knew and her friend Josh. Well starbucks closed at 11:30 so we left and went to go play putt putt since its open til midnight. Well me and josh were flirting some and just being idiots out there trynig to bowl with the balls and sword fighting with the putters and after we left the course and hung out in the parking lot until 1:30 this morning. Me and rachel already had his number so we could all chill again. Well they both had texting so they talked all night and she ended up setting up a double date with him, her, her friend leah, and his friend. I got told I could come along with them but then I'd be a 5th wheel so I said no. But to make sure I was happy for her, I did call him and tell him her favorite flower and he said he'd stop by somewhere and buy her a single white rose. Minus well let someone be happy.