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SamaraSexx's blog: "Stuff"

created on 09/24/2006  |  http://fubar.com/stuff/b6417

11:09:06

I love the subtle way he lets me know he wants to fuck The way he turns to me and has that look somewhere behind his eyes What color are they again? I never remember any of the details that seem to mean so much. The way your voice sounds when you're hding somehting from me. How sweet does it sound? Bitter and angry. Just as it should when you hang up the phone after an apolgetic silence. When you call back crying and wondering why. But crying to yourself and not asking any questions. More silence and supressed sobs. Does he know? You don' t think so. And he doesn't care. Why do you stay? The thought of leaving isn't that bad.You could be happy without anyone, couldn't you?You wouldn't go completely mad, not too soon. Why do you stay? His touchis enough to change your mind. It has before.Do I love him? I'd like to think I do. But sometimes its hard to tell. Do I love him today? More than yesterday. Will I love him tomorrow? Let's wait and see. This is unpredictable. How can you describe it? With random bouts of strange and a dash of irrational. But is it enough to keep you near? Tomorrows another day,. Tonites just a blink away. I'm waiting to see you again. Do I love him? I'd like to believe Ido. Does he love me? Well...

Thoughts on death.

He wandered aimlessly through a park full of people. Everyone was there from his former knowing, anyone he had met whom had passed. He slid within them, like the faces, the bodies, were liquid. He knew not what he was nor where. He just kept walking. Near him, a bench painted white and upon it a child dressed in blue, a boy dressed in black, and a man dressed in gold. All with equal spaces between them. He wore nothing, only his past. He suited well in bruises from his first fight and tears from his last cry; to them {he} was naked. Still, he just kept walking. As {he} came closer, the bench seemed more used, the child dressed in punches, the boy dressed in fatigue, and the man; well, the man still dressed in gold. He began to choke some, finding it harder to breathe yet easier to see that things aren`t what they seem. The young child and boy were father apart, now, and the man in gold sat close to the edge ignoring the boy dressed in black. {He}, growing tired, just kept walking. For some time he had been on foot, passing through faces for days, and weeks, yes? It surely would be nice to rest, and so the bench would have to do. Seven feet from him now, the bench was missing planks; well, you could hardly call this decaying board a bench. Six feet to it and he just kept walking. Fist prints decorated the small child. Beaten with rules and regulations; common sense not so commonly used, and everyhting a child is taught from Day One. {His} head was waiting on the bench. He saw the boy in black scratching to get near the man in gold. {He} saw right through the boy, the starving boy. Hungry for an imagination fix, or a compassionate kiss. But nothing was around the boy, and because {his} head had been filled to its T, here sat {his} heart, empty. Starved. Blackening. At Five feet sat a man dressed in gold, still as gold as it was from miles away. His head was not swollen nor bruised, and his heart seemed soft, and ruby. {He} looked to this man, and saw no face, no skin. No marks. Just an upward curvature where his jaw met his cheek. This man, in gold, was dead. Long dead. {He} just kept walking, until he reached the three. And finally reached an understandment. Maybe dying is all he`d ever wanted. The two living, striving to be young, ugly. Miserable. And the man in gold, he smiled. He was happy. {He} wanted to be the man in gold. He did not know death, but it looked a lot nicer than living and much more content. Perhaps, he thought, Death is not that bad. {He} turned to the woman in white, the bench perhaps, and touched her golden ring. A request to pull the plug was made, and, {he} crawled silently out of his dream, and into eternal happiness.

fuckin a

Sometimes i wonder Why i ever try to do anything Why i ever try to compliment them Or impress somone when i go out Its like all my efforts are just ignored Why i ever say hello Why i ever say "I love you" to him. What if my body is making my mind believe What's not true What if i feel like screaming everytime i've said it To anyone Family, or otherwise Maybe this is just a lie Just a facade That wont seem to gve up on me. Though i've given up on it.

something old.

he fell before her and she was brought to her knees why she screamed they didnt deserve this it was too horrid a dream too painful to bear she woke with a terror too deep to explain and she looked around her room the sight of too many tears the sight of too many fears and she cried at the death of memory at the death of dreams but she couldnt replace it and she couldnt console it nothing would make the empty feeling fade nothing could fill the void of never amounting to anything she knew that she would forever be hated and always be a failure nobody would ever love her the way she wanted to be loved nobody would ever hold her the way she wanted to be held she needed to find a way to accept it she looked everywhere searched all the lonely nights for a reason to not die but she couldnt find any and now she sat crying just like before and she held the knife and she pressed down but then a light came on and someone grabbed her arm and told her not to cry that it was alright and they took her and held her close and loved her just like she wanted and they were happy and one day she left so far away she cried so long and couldnt replace him couldnt even come close she was broken again everytime she thinks shes fine something else happens and she's torn

KInd of bad

Tonite I had sex with a guy that ive liked for almost a year and have been dating for 8days. I feel really bad about it && wish i hadnt But its over and done with. Not much i can do now. I feel like crawling under a rock and just dying.

So

It kind of seems that if I have a boyfriend I'd have more fun.Cause you know,all the alone time and shit. But this isn't fun. This is boring and monotonous. Everytime we go somewhere,it's the same places. And everytime he acts so timid and afraid to be foward.Though I've told him that if he wants to do something, then I'll probably be game. But still. It's the same things over and over again.

[]

So, This is how it's going to be When I begged for you to love me You turned And covered your ears You didn't want to hear any of this. But it had to be said I HATED YOU FROM THE START Every thing was just a lie. Get used to it.

............

Sometimes I wish I had a time machine. So that I could just take it all back, The things I did The things I said I know what I did I wanted it You wanted it It wasnt right Why wasnt it right? Was it because of her That I regret what i did? I'm sorry to her. I'm sorry for this. I'm sorry for these few moments of bliss.

Its still upsetting

I've gone for it. I'm pretty much with him now. And I still don't know How she feels about it. If she cries at my discretion. What can I do. To tell her it will be better. When she sees that she can get someone new. I can't yell at her. Or be angry. I might as well be screwing her ex-man. What to do. What to do. When the only answer. Isn't laying with him.

..

Sometimes I think alot about too many things. And I get into a mood where I just want to talk to everyone who will listen. And alot of the time those people don't always want to hear everyting I have to say. I think that's maybe why I try and make alot of friends on the internet. They don't always listen, but then again, you really don't have any way to prove they weren't. But right now, as some as you might know, I have been thinking about what I want in a relationship.And if you read my previous blog post then you know that I was thinking about not having any relationships anymore. And I have thought about it alot. Not just in the past five minutes but in the past month. I couldn't [at first] see the point in relationships, when 99% of mine end badly. But then I thought some more. None of my relationships have been bad from the start.There were always points in them when I was pleased with my decision about being with that person. And I can't bring myself to say that I don't want that at all anymore. I can't bring myself to say that I don' want someone to be there for me when I feel alone. I can't bring myself to say that I don't need someone that will say they love me, even if I don't say it back. I couldn't think of myself at any age and not be with someone. For a long time I had a morbid fear of being alone. Anytime that someone would leave, I would automatically begin to try to find someone else to talk to. But then when I got older, things started to sink in. Things that had happened in the darkness of a damp room and with the fear of flesh on flesh. And I thought for while if I ever let someone get too close they would just turn on me as a family member once had. So then I became a total recluse and was very suicidal and had even attempted to kill myself a few times. After I had failed a few times I saw no point in trying anymore. If I can't even kill myself then I'm obviously not meant to die. I started to talk to people again and the suicidal thoughts dicipated. Even though I was still clinically depressed and was put on anti-depressants. I am now off the pills and have been beginning to shed the skin of a scared little girl with nobody to turn to. And if I decided to give up relationships, then I would probably just revert back to the same thoughts of helplessness and the unsettling feeling of never being close to someone again. I can't say that that is a pleasant thought. And I don't want to be that way ever again. I don't want to make any new scars that would last too long. Again, if you read this, thank you very much. [samara]
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