497477's blog: "Stuff"

Okay, so here's the deal, find out how you will be arrested, the google way. Go to google, type "(your FIRST name) was arrested for" and see what you got sent to the slammer for. Remember to use the quotations marks, or else it wont work. Paula was arrested for biting her boyfriend after a domestic dispute in which he locked her out of the house.

ACTUAL COSTS OF THE TWELVE DAYS OF CHRISTMAS As part of its annual tradition, PNC Wealth Management also tabulates the "True Cost of Christmas," which is the total cost of items gifted by a True Love who repeats all of the song's verses. This holiday season, very generous True Loves will pay more than ever before -- $75,122 -- for all 364 items, up from $72,608 in 2005. This 3.5% increase is substantially less than last year's 9.5% increase. Kleintop observed that Christmas Price Index inflation may reflect trends that led the Federal Reserve to pause interest rate hikes this year. PNC Christmas Price Index Item 2005 2006 % change One partridge 2005 $15 2006 $15 Rate flat Pear tree 2005 $89.99 2006 $129.99 Rate 44.40% Two turtle doves 2005 $40 2006 $40 Rate flat Three French hens 2005 $45 2006 $45 Rate flat Four calling birds 2005 $399.96 2006 $479.96 Rate 20.00% Five gold rings 2005 $325 2006 $325 Rate flat Six geese a-laying 2005 $300 2006 $300 Rate flat Seven swans a-swimming 2005 $4,200 2006 $4,200 Rate flat Eight maids a-milking 2005 $41.20 2006 $41.20 Rate flat Nine ladies dancing 2005 $4,576.14 2006 $4,759.19 Rate 4.00% 10 lords a-leaping 2005 $4,039.08 2006 $4,160.25 Rate 3.00% 11 pipers piping $2,053.20 $2,124 3.40% 12 drummers drumming 2005 $2,224.30 2006 $2,301 Rate 3.40% Total Christmas Price Index 2005 $18,348.87 2006 $18,920.59 Rate 3.10%

Twelve Days of Christmas Warning - Before you send all of the gifts described in the song - "The Twelve Days of Christmas" - read how it can go TERRIBLY wrong... as described by the series of letters written to the gift-giver by the recipient of such lovely Christmas gifts ... (OR go directly to the expenses for the 12 Days of Christmas) December 14th Dearest John: I went to the door today and the postman delivered a partridge in a pear tree. What a delightful gift. I couldn't have been more surprised. With dearest love and affection, Agnes December 15th Dearest John: Today the postman brought your very sweet gift. Just imagine, two turtledoves. I’m just delighted at your very thoughtful gift. They are just adorable. All my love, Agnes December 16th Dear John: Oh, aren't you the extravagant one! Now I must protest. I don't deserve such generosity. Three French hens. They are just darling but I must insist.... you're just too kind. Love, Agnes December 17th Dear John: Today the postman delivered four calling birds. Now really! They are beautiful, but don't you think enough is enough? You’re being too romantic. Affectionately, Agnes December 18th Dearest John: What a surprise! Today the postman delivered five golden rings. One for each finger. You're just impossible, but I love it. Frankly, John, all those squawking birds were beginning to get on my nerves. All my love, Agnes December 19th Dear John: When I opened the door there were actually six geese a-laying on my front steps. So you're back to the birds again, huh? Those geese are huge. Where will I ever keep them? The neighbors are complaining and I can't sleep through the racket. PLEASE STOP! Cordially, Agnes December 20th John: What's with you and those birds? Seven swans a-swimming. What kind of joke is this? There's bird crap all over the house and they never stop the racket. I'm a nervous wreck and I can't sleep all night. IT'S NOT FUNNY. So stop with the birds. Sincerely, Agnes December 21st OK Buster: I think I prefer the birds. What the hell am I going to do with eight maids a-milking? It's not enough with all those birds and eight maids a-milking, but they had to bring their own cows. There is cow poop all over the lawn and I can’t move in my own house. Just lay off me. SMART-ASS! Ag December 22nd Hey Butthead: What are you? Some kind of sadist? Now there's nine pipers piping. And man do they pipe. They haven't stopped chasing those maids since they got here yesterday morning. The cows are upset are stepping all over those screeching birds. No wonder they screech. What am I going to do? The neighbors have started a petition to evict me. You'll get yours, Ag December 23rd You Rotten Dick: Now there's ten ladies dancing - I don't know why I call those women ladies. They've been with those nine pipers all night long. Now the cows can't sleep and they've got diarrhea. My living room is a river of cow dung. The commissioner of buildings has subpoenaed me to give cause why the building shouldn't be condemned. I'm sic'ing the police on you. They know where you are. One who means it, Ag December 24th Listen, Doormat: What's with the eleven lords a-leaping on those maids and aforementioned "ladies"? Some of those broads will never walk again. Those pipers ran through the maids and are now after the cows. All 234 of the birds are dead. They have been trampled to death in the orgy. I hope you're satisfied, you rotten swine. Your sworn enemy, Miss Agnes McCallister December 25th From the law offices of Dewey, Cheatem and Howe This is to acknowledge your latest gift of twelve drummers drumming, which you have seen fit to inflict on our client, Miss Agnes McCallister. The destruction, of course, was total. All correspondence should come to our attention. If you should attempt to reach Miss McCallister at Happy-Dale Sanitarium, the attendants have instructions to shoot you on sight. With this letter, please find attached a warrant for your arrest. Dewey, Cheatem and Howe Attorneys at Law CHECK OUT the exact cost of the 12 Days of Christmas (not including legal fees)

Where are you Christmas? Why can't I find you? Why have you gone away? Where is the laughter You used to bring me? Why can't I hear music play? My world is changing I'm rearranging Does that mean Christmas changes too? Where are you Christmas Do you remember The one you used to know I'm not the same one See what the time's done Is that why you have let me go Christmas is here Everywhere, oh Christmas is here If you care, oh If there is love in your heart and your mind You will feel like Christmas all the time I feel you Christmas I know I've found you You never fade away The joy of Christmas Stays here in silence Fills each and every heart with love Where are you Christmas Fills your heart with love

You're a mean one, Mr. Grinch. You really are a heel. You're as cuddly as a cactus, You're as charming as an eel. Mr. Grinch. You're a bad banana With a greasy black peel. You're a monster, Mr. Grinch. Your heart's an empty hole. Your brain is full of spiders, You've got garlic in your soul. Mr. Grinch. I wouldn't touch you, with a thirty-nine-and-a-half foot pole. You're a vile one, Mr. Grinch. You have termites in your smile. You have all the tender sweetness Of a seasick crocodile. Mr. Grinch. Given the choice between the two of you I'd take the seasick crocodile. You're a foul one, Mr. Grinch. You're a nasty, wasty skunk. Your heart is full of unwashed socks Your soul is full of gunk. Mr. Grinch. The three words that best describe you, are, and I quote: "Stink. Stank. Stunk." You're a rotter, Mr. Grinch. You're the king of sinful sots. Your heart's a dead tomato splot With moldy purple spots, Mr. Grinch. Your soul is an apalling dump heap overflowing with the most disgraceful assortment of deplorable rubbish imaginable, Mangled up in tangled up knots. You nauseate me, Mr. Grinch. With a nauseaus super-naus. You're a crooked jerky jockey And you drive a crooked horse. Mr. Grinch. You're a three decker saurkraut and toadstool sandwich With arsenic sauce.

The first thing at Christmas that's such a pain to me Is finding a Christmas tree The second thing at Christmas that's such a pain to me: Rigging up the lights And finding a Christmas tree The third thing at Christmas that's such a pain to me Hangovers Rigging up the lights And finding a Christmas tree The fourth thing at Christmas that's such a pain to me Sending Christmas cards Hangovers Rigging up the lights And finding a Christmas tree The fifth thing at Christmas that's such a pain to me Five months of bills! Sending Christmas cards Hangovers Rigging up the lights And finding a Christmas tree The sixth thing at Christmas that's such a pain to me: Facing my in-laws Five months of bills! Oh, I hate those Christmas cards! Hangovers Rigging up these lights! And finding a Christmas tree The seventh thing at Christmas that's such a pain to me: The Salvation Army Facing my in-laws Five months of bills! Sending Christmas cards Oh, geez! I'm tryin' to rig up these lights! And finding a Christmas tree The eighth thing at Christmas that such a pain to me: I WANNA TRANSFORMER FOR CHRISTMAS!!!! Charities, And whataya mean "YOUR in-laws"?!? Five months of bills! Ach, making out these cards Honey, get me a beer, huh? What, we have no extension cords?!? And finding a Christmas tree The ninth thing at Christmas that's such a pain to me Finding parking spaces DADDY, I WANT SOME CANDY!!!! Donations! Facing my in-laws Five months of bills! Writing out those Christmas cards Hangovers! Now why the hell are they blinking?!?!? And finding a Christmas tree The tenth thing at Christmas that's such a pain to me: "Batteries Not Included" No parking spaces BUY ME SOMETHIN'!!! Get a job, ya bum! Facing my in-laws! Five months of bills! Yo-ho, sending Christmas cards Oh, geez, look at this! One light goes out, they ALL go out!!! And finding a Christmas tree The eleventh thing of Christmas that's such a pain to me: Stale TV specials "Batteries Not Included" No parking spaces DAD, I GOTTA GO TA BATHROOM!! Charities! She's a witch...I hate her! Five months of bills! Oh, I don't even KNOW half these people! Oh, who's got the toilet paper, huh? Get a flashlight...I blew a fuse!! And finding a Christmas tree The twelfth thing of Christmas that's such a pain to me: Singing Christmas carols Stale TV specials "Batteries Not Included" No parking?!? WAAAAAAAAAAH! WAAAAAAAAAAH! Charities! Gotta make 'em dinner! Five months of bills! I'm not sendin' them this year, that's it! Shut up, you! FINE! YOU'RE SO SMART, YOU RIG UP THE LIGHTS!!! And finding a Christmas tree