Things I have learned in my life- by Janey Godley & Ashley Storrie- below is a list of things my daughter Ashley and I compiled for your perusal, we have travelled around the world a bit and seen some stuff and shared some experiences and this is our list. Enjoy.
10. Sanitary towels are designed to fold over accidentally and then stick to your pubic hair and rip it out when you pull down your knickers, it’s just in case you aren’t in enough pain already.
11. Walter Matthau and Saddam Hussein is not the same person, never get them mixed up in the picture round of a pub quiz.
12. Crotch less pants are just damaged goods.
13. If you pronounce the word VAGINA with an ‘F’ at the start instead of a ‘V’ it makes it ten times funnier.
14. Standing on stage screaming about a woman that hurt you in a monotone voice doesn’t make you a comedian, even if your drunk pals, told you it was ‘ridonkilously great’
15. Being Jewish/Muslim/Christian/Scientologist doesn’t mean you are right.
16. Never have sex on your friends suede couch...just don’t.
17. Screaming drunken football chants doesn’t make random strangers like your team.
18. Buy hotel internet, its expensive, but then claim it didn’t work and demand a refund- they can’t prove otherwise.
19. Cough loudly and in a sick manner, sweat profusely and moan when on any form of transport to ensure solitary seats, don’t overdo it or they think you have swine flu and don’t let you travel.
20. When on a busy train platform talk to people and create an allegiance so that when crowd surges forward you as a group can get seats for each other.
21. Hide a child’s favourite toy and pretend it went away and it won’t return till they eat cauliflower.
22. Always fart in the bank queue- no reason just do it.
23. If a man comes onto you and you don’t want to hurt their feelings because you don’t fancy them, tell them you are into fuzzy humping (dressing as animals and fucking) or tell them you like sex and pain on a daily basis. That usually works for me (Ashley Storrie).
24. If you hate cooking and people keep talking about recipes and a good idea for a quiche blurt out you can’t have children and are barren now, to get them off the subject.