so i've got shit on my mind that i wanna say....yeah like that never happens. i'm tryin this new approach at being a "normal" person adn crawlin outside of my lil hole i call life. My depression has been perty bad lately, i like to think of it as "wall re-enforcement" month. Those who know me...know i keep a thick thick wall up as to not get hurt. very few select people actually get to see what actually goes on in my fucked up lil mind. Sometimes i thnk it's better to be on the outside lookin in anyways.
But this helps me get shit outta my head. makes it easier for me to analyze and figure out what i need to do. My bestest fried Sue, she's been there alot for me the past year. She watched me do some stupid ass shit, she don't always gimme her first thought on the shit i do only cuz she thnks imma be mad. but i'm not. sometimes i don't see past shit and blind to the dumb actions i take. sometimes i just need the questioned to be asked.."WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU THINKIN!??!...QUIT BEING A FUCKIN DUMBASS!!".....but her and her husband are good people. her husband is more blunt and forward with me than she is. i think it's cuz he's a fucker...he says some shit abut his "personlity". but i love them dearly. Me and Sue are alot alike in so many ways. and i sware after you hear some of the shit in common....t's like we were destined be be friends. She's more calm and knows when to not say shit sometimes...where i'm the opposite and fly off the handle and don't know when to just shut the fuck up sometimes. she's my chill pill and i'm her balls.
that said...moving on to other "friends". why do peope sit there and try to build a relationship with you, wether it be friends or romantic...if they have no plans on stickin around. For instance...me and chris. we talked i sware everyday. sometimes we would have 7-8 hour convos. i really did think he was one of the few exceptions to my "men are morons" rule. we even had convos of both us talkin bout if shit didn't work out between us...we wanted to remain friends n shit. well holy fuck....i bring up wanting to back off a bit...he's cool with that. things are ok for abut 2 weeks....then chris disappears off the face of the fuckin planet. he won't return calls, IMs emails...nada. even some of my friends who he made friendships with...he did the same. so i went and deleted him off of everything. fuck that. if he has an issue with me...then he knew he could said something. why be a jack ass about it.
oooooooo here's a question......why does the fact that i'm not gonna fuck you....make me "prissy". yeah yer cute and fuckable...and you'd prolly be a good lay. but that doesn't mean imma do it. that doesn't means thats what it good for me. i do have SOME morals...nt many....but some. i'm worth more than some ass. fuck...i even deserve more than that. then to try adn ARGUE with me about it...my lord are you fuckin serious?!?
some good news....Joe ...my friend who works on my car. he's expecting his first baby!!! and i got to meet his g/f Gina yesterday...i'm so happy for them. i like lil babies...lol and i'm still gonna steal his dog simon...Joe's a god guy...he deservs alot. he's worked on my POS everytime and not asked to be paid or anything. it's nice to know that there are still good people in the world who will help someone when shit is tough for them and not expect shit in return. So to show some appreciation for all he's done...i'm makin him and Gina some dinner one of these nights....i may be broke as shit but i can cook like a motha fucka.
I'm quite good at fuckin up my own life. I do it daily. But i love helpin other people out with their issues. i'm all my friends unpaid and undegreed therapist.
here lately i've gotten really close to Manda lynn (she likes how i say her name..lol). she's good people. she has issues like th rest of us but she always has an ear open and she's fun to talk too. It's not everyday you meet a god friend but i think imma keep her around. and if i let ya be around my kids and meet the rest of my family...you know your in good with me. i'm very protective over all of them. She has a good head on her shoulders and knows when she shouldn't do shit. like the whole relationship thing...she knows that she's not ready for all that and she honestly just doesn't wanna someone's g/f right now. she's young....why be tied down if you don't really wanna be. she has soul searchign to do like everyone else and she needs to just have fun and say fuck the dumb shit. hell....i had no clue what i wanted at that age. i was married with kids and i didn't have my freedom or my party years. i was pretending to be "all grown up" at the age of 18. i don't regret anything i've done in the past, i learned my lessons. hell i'm still learning some lessons from way back then. I wouldn't change anything that has happened but oh my goodness things woulda been so much easier had i not gotten pregant at 18 and gotten married at 20.
At that age...people have no business gettin married at that age. you have so much more growing up to do to get yoursef ready for the trials and work a marriage needs. cuz contrary to belief.....love is not all you need. a marriage is work..EVERYDAY. it take patience, a sense of humor, love, the ability to give without wanting in return *ON BOTH PEOPLE TOO*, understanding, a friendship, communication, the will and want to be with that person only and so much more. Mariage doesn't men the same thing anymore...that free 1950's strong kinda love doen't exist alot anymore. people want things NOW NOW NOW and don't wanna be patient and wait for it. then they get in this mariage with someone they barely know and don't wanna be in it anymore. they learned more bout the person and don't wana try and work it out n shit.
on to my latest news...i have offically pissed someone off bad enough they want me to die. seriously. someone fucked with my brake line on my car so now i have no car. a shop said it would cost me 1200 +tax to replace all he rubber components and guarentee it fixed. the fuckin car is not worth 1200. barely worth 100. so Joe is gonna check it out see if maybe bleeding the entire line, cleaning it out real good and replacing the fluid will fix it until i can afford a newer used car. so to the person whose tryin to kill me...yer fuckin retarded for tryin...i'm too mean to die, i stll have evilness to spread :) and why would you wanna leave my babies with no mom either...but when i find out who did it...OMG you will have unleashed an evil you have never dreamt of. i'm the only parent my babies have....
that said....
still lookin for a job. i've had some interviews but thy were all shitty and not worth my time. the car thing blows too just because of where i live, nothgn is within walking distance. so until i either get my car fixed or can afford a new one...i'd have to get rides. i'll figure it out and hopefully joe can get my car goin.
I have this bad habit of shuttin people out and pushing them away. and i've never really been close to my entire family. well except my sister Sam...she's very protective over me and she's helped keep me "normal" for a long time. She knows that the only reason i breathe is for my kids and without them...i would died a long time ago. She's a very strong person. My lil sister courtney...yeah we barely like each other. our personality's don't click and wel...we both do shit to piss the other one off. it's jusy always been that way. if we weren't related...we'd never be friends. don't get me wrong...ifyou fucked with her...id slit yer throat...thats my lil sister...but we're just not good friends.
my mommie...now she IS a strong woman. she raised 3 girls..all on her own. no help from others. we 3 have different dads and none of them wanted us. hell none of them have even seen us. they know we were born...but thats as far as it goes. she did what she could to raise us right. we didn't have the worst life...w had it alot better then some but it wasn't no piece of cake. we went without...mom had to do the whole welfare thing a couple times. but she never abused the system and always helped out others when she could. i hated growin up....i was a kid...always wanted what the cool fuckers did. but after i had my son Jake...it's like the light bulb popped on and i knew why she did what she ahd to do. no one wants to raise their kids in a bar but it paid the bills and put food on the table. she busted her ass for YEARS, up on her feet 6 days a week. but the rewards came in...now she has a sit down job and makes good money. and she shows her apreciation to god for the job. now she's payin her bills and my gramma's. Which gramma is gettin up in the years and she has a few health problems, and in a few years she'll be completely blind and unable to live on her own. Mom came over the other day and was tellin me all about gramms's different options n shit she has and was tellin me bout her moving down home t take care of gramma. she said she'd like me n the kdis to move down there with her....i seriously think imma do it. i LOVE it down there and my mom will need some help.
back to mom...me and her never really got along. ut personality's are TOO alike. we're identical. so we fought alot. bt after i moved out and had my kids. we been gettin closer through the years. ther day when she stoppped over. me and her had this big heart to heart and she made me cry and she cried. she's never really known everything about me. she knows i have depression but not the extent of it and how bad it's been. she's very worried about me. she said she relaizes now that i need more family support and help. we used to only talk a 1-2 times a week bt she's been callin and talkin to me everyday. i love it. i just figured she really didn't wanna hear about my issues in the past. but i was wrong. her and my sister Sam like this preacher Joel Olsteen. he's not like your typical preacher who preaches on and on about hell and damnation. he's mre of an inspirational one. i was at my moms once and watched his show with her. i likd it. he doesn't bible read the entire time n shit. he talks of ways to improve yourself, your life and others around you n shit. he kows there's more to life than god. well 2 nights ago she brung me a cd player and his cd's she had for me to listen to, so maybe it'll help. she kows i'm in a hole and everytime i try gettin out..that damn dirt moves and i sink. she brung me some paper to wrte some goals and thoughts and all that stuff down. she bought me a binder thing and some shit to help get me organized. she knows i'm like she used to be...just needing a boost to get outta my hole. so shit is lookin up.
my ex husband..he'll offically be my ex on the 23rd. fuck i can't wait. there's so much i coud say about him and wanna say about him...but he has his own blog on here, imma write some more shit abot him later.
then we have Shaun.....i am so confused about him. he's a good man, loves his kids and does what it takes to take care of his family. why on earth he wants to be with me is beyond me. i'm used to guys fuckin with me...not actually meaning what they say and wanting to just get in britches...so i'm skeptical. Papi doesn't like him, says he has a bad feeling about him. Papi is so protective over me. he knows i'm a single mom and don't need the bullshit. he knows i deserve alot and so do my kids. with Shaun tho...it doesn't seem to be the case. the things he says to me it's like he genuinly wants to be with me. he knows i have 3 kids to raise and is willing and wanting to raise them with me. he knows all about my psycho ex and says to let him deal with him. but i am just so scared of gettin hurt and my kids gettin hurt in the process. i think in order for it to work...i'm just gonna have to say fuck it and jump blind
