matrylee2005's blog: "stuff i find funny"

One evening, after attending the theater, two gentlemen were walking down the avenue when they observed a rather well dressed and attractive young lady walking ahead of them. One of them turned to the other and remarked, "I'd give $250.00 to spend the night with that woman." Much to their surprise, the young lady overheard the remark, turned around, and replied, "I'll take you up on that offer." She had a neat appearance and a pleasant voice, so after bidding his companion good night, the man accompanied the young lady to her apartment. The following morning the man presented her with $125.00 as he prepared to leave. She demanded the rest of the money, stating "If you don't give me the other $125.00, I'll sue you for it." He laughed, saying, "I'd like to see you get it on these grounds." Within a few days, he was surprised when he received a summons ordering his presence in court as a defendant in a lawsuit. He hurried to his lawyer and explained the details of the case. His lawyer said, "She can't possibly get a judgment against you on such grounds, but it will be interesting to see how her case will be presented." After the usual preliminaries, the lady's lawyer addressed the court as follows: "Your honor, my client, this lady, is the owner of a piece of property, a garden spot, surrounded by a profuse growth of shrubbery, which property she agreed to rent to the defendant for a specified length of time for the sum of $250.00. The defendant took possession of the property, used it extensively for the purposes for which it was rented, but upon evacuating the premises, he paid only $125.00, one-half of the amount agreed upon. The rent was not excessive, since it is restricted property, and we ask judgment be granted against the defendant to assure payment of the balance." The defendant's lawyer was impressed and amused by the way his opponent had presented the case. His defense therefore was somewhat different from the way he originally planned to present it. "Your honor," he said, "my client agrees that the lady has a fine piece of property, which he did rent such property for a time, and a degree of pleasure was derived from the transaction. However, my client found a well on the property around which he placed his own stones, sunk a shaft, and erected a pump, all labor performed personally by him. We claim these improvements to the property were sufficient to offset the unpaid amount, and that the plaintiff was adequately compensated for the rental of said property. We, therefore, ask that judgment not be granted." The young lady's lawyer answered, "Your honor, my client agrees that the defendant did find a well on her property. However, had the defendant not known that the well existed; he would never have rented the property. Also, upon evacuating the premises, the defendant removed the stones, pulled out the shaft, and took the pump with him. In doing so, he not only dragged the equipment through the shrubbery, but left the hole much larger than it was prior to his occupancy, making the property much less desirable to others. We, therefore, ask that judgment be granted." In the Judge's decision, he provided for two options: "Pay the $125.00 or have the equipment detached from its current location and provide it to the plaintiff for damages." The defendant immediately wrote a check.

>CIGARETTES AND TAMPONS >A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down the aisles. >The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him. >He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife. >She directs him down the correct aisle. >A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of >string on the counter. >She says, confused, "Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for >your wife? >He answers, " You see, it's like this, yesterday, I sent my wife to the >store to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of >tobacco and some rolling papers; cause it's sooooooooooo much cheaper. >So, I figure if I have to roll my own .......... so does she.

one day there was a fly flying through the air over a lake and under that fly swam a fish and the fish thought if that there fly drops 3 inches I will have a pretty good lunch On the east bank of the lake there sat a bear watching the whole thing and he said "if that there fly drops 3 inches and that there fish eats that fly I will scoop up that fish and have a pretty good lunch. On the west bank of the lake there sat a hunter watching the whole thing and he said "if that fly there drops 3 inches and that there fish eats that fly that there bear will scoop up that there fish and I will shoot that there bear and have a pretty good trophy. On a rock above watching all this going on sat a cougar and he said "if that there fly drops 3 inches and that there fish eats that fly and there bear scoops up that fish and that there hunter shoots that bear I will steal that hunters sandwich and have a pretty good lunch. Well that fly dropped 3 inches and that fish ate that fly and that bear scooped up that fish and that hunter shot that bear, but that cougar didn't get that sandwhich instead he slipped on the rock and fell splat into the lake. So what is the moral of the story? When the fly drops 3 inches the pussy gets wet!

GUY’S RULES We always hear "the rules" from the female side. Now here are "the rules" from the male side. Please note - These are all numbered "1" ON PURPOSE! 1. Men are NOT, and never will be, mind readers. 1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl now. If it's up, put it down. When is the last time you heard us complain about you leaving it down? 1. Sunday sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Like the famous poet, John Lennon once said, "Let It Be". 1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way. 1. Crying IS blackmail. 1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it! 1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question. 1. Come to us with a problem ONLY if you want help solving it, because that's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for. 1. A headache that lasts for 17 months IS a problem. See a doctor. 1. Anything we said 6 months ago IS inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days. 1. If you won't dress like the Victoria 's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys. 1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us. 1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one 1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself. 1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials. 1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions, and neither do we. 1. Men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color Pumpkin is a fruit, not a color We have no idea what mauve is 1. If it itches, IT will be scratched. We do that. 1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle. 1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear. 1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely ANYTHING you wear is fine...really. 1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics such as the shotgun formation, should the "balk" rule exist, or about Tiger Woods 6 under par in yesterday’s last game. 1. You have enough clothes. 1. You have too many shoes. 1. I am in shape. Round IS a shape! 1. Thank YOU for reading this. 1. Yes, I know I have to sleep on the couch tonight; but did you know men really don't mind that, because it's like camping. Pass this to as many men as you can, to give them a laugh - better yet, pass this to as many women as you can, to give them a bigger laugh!