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IF I WERE PRESIDENT........

WOULDN'T IT BE GREAT TO TURN ON THE TV AND HEAR ANY U.S. PRESIDENT, DEMOCRAT OR REPUBLICAN GIVE THE FOLLOWING SPEECH? ....... IF I WERE PRESIDENT........
'My Fellow Americans: As you all know, the defeat of the Iraq regime has been completed. Since congress does not want to spend any more money on this war, our mission in Iraq is complete. This morning I gave the order for a complete removal of all American forces from Iraq This action will be complete within 30 days. It is now time to begin the reckoning. Before me, I have two lists. One list contains the names of countries which have stood by our side during the Iraq conflict. This list is short . The United Kingdom , Spain , Bulgaria , Australia , and Poland are some of the countries listed there. The other list contains every one not on the first list. Most of the world's nations are on that list. My press secretary will be distributing copies of both lists later this evening. Let me start by saying that effective immediately, foreign aid to those nations on List 2 ceases immediately and indefinitely. The money saved during the first year alone will pretty much pay for the costs of the Iraqi war.
THEN EVERY YEAR THERE AFTER IT'll GO TO OUR SOCIAL SECURITY SYSTEM SO IT WON'T GO BROKE IN 20 YEARS. The American people are no longer going to pour money into third world Hellholes and watch those government leaders grow fat on corruption. Need help with a famine ? Wrestling with an epidemic? Call France . In the future, together with Congress, I will work to redirect this money t oward solving the vexing social problems we still have at home . On that note, a word to terrorist organizations. Screw with us and we will hunt you down and eliminate you and all your friends from the fac e of the earth. Thirsting for a gutsy country to terrorize? Try France or maybe China . I am ordering the immediate severing of diplomatic relations with France, Germany , and Russia . Thanks for all your help, comrades. We are retiring from NATO as well. Bonne chance, mez amies. I have instructed the Mayor of New York City to begin towing the many UN diplomatic vehicles located in Manhattan with more than two unpaid parking tickets to sites where those vehicles will be stripped, shredded and crushed. I don't care about whatever treaty pertains to this. You creeps have tens of thousands of unpaid tickets. Pay those tickets tomorrow or watch your precious Benzes, Beamers and limos be turned over to some of the finest chop shops in the world. I love New York A special note to our neighbors. Canada is on List 2. Since we are likely to be seeing a lot more of each other, you folks might want to try not pissing us off for a change. Mexico is also on List 2 its president and his entire corrupt government really need an attitude adjustment. I will have a couple extra thousand tanks and infantry divisions sitting around. Guess where I am going to put 'em? Yep, border security. Oh, by the way, the United States is abrogating the NAFTA treaty - starting now. We are tired of the one-way highway. Immediately, we'll be drilling for oil in Alaska - which will take care of this country's oil needs for decades to come. If you're an environmentalist who opposes this decision, I refer you to List 2 above: pick a country and move there. It is time for America to focus on its own welfare and its own citizens. Some will accuse us of isolationism. I answer them by saying, 'darn tootin.' Nearly a century of trying to help folks live a decent life around the world has only earned us the undying enmity of just about everyone on the planet. It is time to eliminate hunger in America It is time to eliminate homelessness in America . To the nations on List 1, a final thought. Thank you guys. We owe you and we won't forget. To the nations on List 2, a final thought: You might want to learn to speak Arabic.
God bless America . Thank you and good night. '
If you can read this, thank a teacher. If you are reading it in English, thank a soldier.

RULES OF DRUNK DIALING....

1. Only drunk dial when you are drunk. Everything else is false advertisement. 2. It is okay to call someone 27 times in one night. If you don't remember it, it didn't happen. 3. If you are going to drunk dial a family member, say something nice. Ex. "Mom, I'm in McDonald's and they're playing our song. I love you." 4. Dirty talk while drunk dialing is always preferred. Who doesn't want to hear your best raspy, phone sex voice at 3 in the A.M. asking to bend them over something?? 5. Voicemails are always better. This way your friend can let their friends have fun at your expense for days, even weeks to come. 6. Drunk texting is alright… if you are prepared to read what you wrote the next day when you are sober. 7. It is definitely a good idea to call all of your exes and remind them that you were the best lover they've ever had and everything they know, they learned from you. This way you can sleep well at night. 8. You can also call this same ex and let him/her know, that you know that he/she still loves you. Then explain to him/her that "I would still love me too!" 9. If you are a frequent dialer, never get mad if someone dials you. Be happy they thought of you in this special time. 10. It is always a good idea to sing on someone's answering machine or voicemail. Especially a show tune. 11. Drunk dialing should be fun and light hearted or dirty and sex crazed… never angry. 12. Most likely you will never drunk dial your best friends. They are usually the ones taking your phone away and reminding you that "you have a problem". 13. If you deleted a number sober, it was probably for a good reason. Do not try to retrieve this number. Nothing good can come from it. 14. Always call someone you know. Finding random numbers in phone books is bad and usually leads to angry dialing. 15. If your cell phone dies, remember everything happens for a reason. Never borrow a friend's phone to do your dialing. 16. Drunk dialing to a foreign country is usually too costly to be a good idea. But, if you really feel like if you don't call this person you'll just die, break rule 15 and use a friend's phone. 17. Drunk dialing may lead to drunk muffin stuffing… be prepared. 18. When dialing remember that "hanging out" at 3 in the a.m. usually doesn't involve cards it's probably going to be more like cheap lube and handcuffs. So be prepared when you really do want to play X-box when your drunk… "you want me to do what with your box? Play with it?" 19. Don't drunk dial in the pool, tub, or rainstorm. It only ends up with you blow drying your phone when your far too drunk to be using electronics and you won't be able to drunk dial anymore that night. 20. Never, I repeat, never drunk dial your boss, preacher, grandpa, or friend's parents. If you are that hard up to call someone, there is an 800 number on Budweiser boxes.
A True Ouija Experience Hi, my name is Michelle, and I am the age of 19 years now. I would like for you to read my story and tell me it YOU think that this is real or what. It all begin when I moved to Minot, North Dakota with my brother and his girlfriend. I was 15 years of age at the time. I am 19 years of age now. Well, we were just sitting around talking about the past when one of our neighbors came around the side of the house and asked my sister in law to go and see her for a second. Minutes later she appeared and she asked me if I would like to play with an ouija board. Out of curiosity, I went. She told me that she had contacted this young couple who had died in the house with three of their four children and the woman who they had contacted wanted to speak to them. I thought for sure that they were just lying and just saying this to scare me which was not going to happen(so I thought). I went next door with my sister in law and my sister in laws neighbor and we were sitting in her living room on the floor and we were playing this ouija board when all of a sudden we were interupted by these loud banging sounds coming from the basement. (note that this is a duplex that was once a house.) We got scared and thought that it was our neighbors b/f who had been visiting with my brother next door and we thought was trying to scare us. We thought that we would play the following night since it was so late in the evening. We only figured out so much that night of the names of the family, and that they had died horrible deaths in that house. Well, the following night, we went over to the neighbors once again and decided to reach "Deb" again. Succeeding in contacting her, I decided to ask her a few questions as to who she was, starting with her last name. As we all had our fingertips on this board, I thought that I would scare them by giving them a false last name: St. John. Wel,l they had believed this and again we were trying to get some information off of her as to how her and her family had perished in the home. Well, finding out the exact date, which was in the year of 1990, we decided to look up this information in past newspapers. So I went into the library and went to look at past newspapers when we had looked at the month and year that she had given us, not expecting to find anything but you know nothing. When we turned the page of the newspaper just about to give up on the search. When what do you know we seen the house that we were staying in and it had all these cops and everything around them and they were taking out peoples bodies and had crime scene written all over it. The newspaper said that the woman had fed and killed three of her four children including her husband with rat poison. They had found the husband hanging in the basement. The three children were at the table, and the one that survived was hiding in the bathroom screaming to the 911 dispatcher until the cops got there and the mother deb they have found her in her bedroom with a suicide note laying next to her that read that she was deb and that she had not wanted children but she got really depressed after she had her first one and continued to have more children and that she is leavingcharlie(name witheld) for reasons because he is the oldest and her first born and the only one she truly loves. Well, we had learned that deb had slit her throat and died. Charlie, her oldest son, said that mommy had told him to get his food earlier while she put special mix in his other siblings meal. He was then told to lock himself in the bathroom. He walked out 10 minutes later to a horrible scene. Well, we decided to ask Deb about this and that is when she got really upset with us and said that her husband wants her to quit talking to us. Well, we wouldn't let that happen. he supposively got on the board and started telling us that we were going to be sorry. I started laughing and he spelled out 2 words for me house fire 2 people. I was like what does this mean and he said 2 months. I was like was I going to die. and he started to say hahahahaha over and over. Well, my sister in law was thinking this was me and me thinking this was her. We continued using the board and she asked it how much she had. It answered her with the correct answer and it said she was going to have a girl. and what do you know, she had a girl. It also told me that I was going to have a girl within a year. and walaw I had my daughter. Now following this incident with the ouija board, we went back to our hometown where our family lives and were telling people about what happened with this board and what it told us. Including my cousins. and my aunt. Wel,l about a month and a half went by, and I was thinking that this board is just, well, lying. Well, one morning, I had just put my nephew to sleep; he was only 3 months old. When the phone rings and my uncle is telling me that he has bad news and that there has been an accident. My cousin and one of my friends were in a house fire. They were both pronounced dead at the scene. Well, back home is where I went and my cousin the one who passed away. Well, his sisters asked me how I would know that someone would die in a housefire. I told them that I thought it was going to be me. But the ouija board didn't simply tell us WE were going to die. but he didn't point out anybody else either. Well, as you can see, after that experience I never ever touched a ouija board again after that.

AMITYVILLE HORROR.......

The Amityville Horror The Amityville Horror is one of the most documented and well-known cases of a haunted house in the history of paranormal research. The story - which was alleged to have happened to the Lutz family when they moved into a large Dutch colonial house at 112 Ocean Avenue in Amityville - has been the subject of a series of best-selling books and a string of movies. When George and Kathy Lutz, along with Kathy's three children, first moved into their new house in Amityville on December 18th, 1975, they thought they had found their dream home. That is, of course, until that dream became a living nightmare, as they started experiencing the strange paranormal occurrences which eventually drove them out of the house. Prior to the Lutzes' occupation of the Amityville house, the residence had been the scene of a horrific murder spree. On November 13th, 1974, 23-year-old Ronald DeFeo shot dead his father, mother and four younger siblings. However, not being superstitious, the Lutzs still bought the house. By January 14th, 1976, when the Lutzes fled the house forever, they claimed to have been terrorised for 28 days by an unspeakably evil entity. Their horrific experiences included ghostly apparitions of hooded figures, swarms of flies in the sewing room and the children's playroom, breaking window panes, spine-chilling cold alternating with suffocating heat, personality changes, nightly parades by spirit marching bands, levitations, green slime oozing down the stairs, foul odours, nausea, inexplicable scratches on Kathleen's body, objects mysteriously moving, constant disconnection of the telephone service, and even communications between the youngest, Melissa, and a devilish spirit pig by the name of "Jodie". But more shockingly, even the Devil himself is said to have actually appeared in the house. Even visitors to the house were affected by the strange atmosphere permeating through the place. Kathy's brother, Jimmy, and his new bride mysteriously lost $1,500 in cash. And Father Mancuso, the local priest who gave the house his blessing, suffered a horrible bout of sickness that left him physically drained. As a result, he eventually transferred to a distant parish. He is said to have heard a voice from an unseen entity ordering him to "get out" when he sprinkled the house with holy water. In 1977, The Amityville Horror by Jay Anson was published. The book became an instant bestseller, and led to a top-grossing movie in 1979, starring James Brolin and Margot Kidder. More Amityville Horror books followed, written by different authors, which gave alleged accounts of the demonic entity still following the Lutzes, even after they had fled the Amityville house. As is often the norm with cases like this, many skeptics claimed that the Amityville haunting was just a big hoax, and they were quick to point out various discrepancies in Anson's book. Even Jerry Solfvin, of the Psychical Research Foundation, who was contacted by George Lutz in early January 1976 about paranormal activity at the house, found the whole case rather questionable. All the evidence was subjective. Also, Father Mancuso was regarded as being a poor witness, as he had visited the house only the once. It took Anson three or four months to write his book, and he worked mostly from tapes of telephone interviews. Apparently, he made only a superficial effort to verify the Lutzes' account. The most significant aspect of the case is the interview that Ronald DeFeo's lawyer, William Weber, gave a local radio station in 1979. He claimed that the Lutzes' concocted the whole Amityville Horror saga around their kitchen table whilst drinking bottles of wine. He also said that after approaching them with the idea, the Lutzes broke away from him, and so he decided to sue for his share of the book and movie royalties. But the Lutzes countersued, arguing that their experiences were genuine. Mrs Lutz's story was later analysed on a Psychological Stress Evaluation. The results of the test confirmed her claims. Although it's possible that the hauntings at the Amityville residence may have actually happened, many observers have deemed the Lutzes' story to be over-dramatic when compared to other cases of paranormal activity. When the Lutzes moved out, the house became quiet. The subsequent owners, Jim and Barbara Cromarty, reported no incidents of paranormal activity whatsoever. But they became so annoyed at the large amounts of tourists and thrill-seekers who were repeatedly converging on the place that they eventually sued the Lutzes for $1.1 million. They won a settlement for a lesser amount. Thirty years on, the current owners of the Amityville house maintain that they have not experienced a single instance of ghostly activity, a fact which only gives added weight to the arguments of the skeptics who claim that the Lutzes' story was phoney. To this day, the worldwide fascination with The Amityville Horror continues, as unabated and as intense as ever, and the debate still rages on as to whether there was even a grain of truth in the Lutzes' claims that their house was infested by some demonic entity. Whether it was true or not, one thing is certain: The Amityville Horror will go down in history as one of the most controversial and terrifying stories ever written. The Official Amityville Horror Website To find out the latest news on The Amityville Horror case, check out this website: Amityville Horror Truth
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