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I wanted to remind everyone this fourth of July of the true meaning of the holiday. While you're barbecuing and relaxing with friends, just remember that we, as Americans, have a rich heritage of drinking, blowing stuff up, and shooting guns in the air. It was this day in 1776 that Christopher Columbos drunkenly set foot on new soil, shot in the air, and blew some stuff up, thus giving this great country it's humble beginnings.
So wether you're enjoying a paid holiday, arguing with your friends over who threw in more on bottle rockets, or cursing under you're breath all day because you have to work, be sure to pause and show your patriotism by making something explode or have a hole in it.
HOW I CAN TELL THAT THE ECONOMY IS IN BAD SHAPE:
I got a pre-declined credit card in the mail.
African television stations are now showing 'Sponsor an American Child' commercials.
Wives are having sex with their husbands because they can't afford batteries.
I ordered a burger at McDonald's and the kid behind the counter asked, "Can you afford fries with that?"
CEO's are now playing miniature golf.
Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen.
My ATM gave me an IOU.
A stripper was severely injured when her audience showered her with rolls of pennies while she danced.
I saw a Mormon polygamist with only one wife.
I bought a toaster oven and my free gift with purchase was a bank.
When the bank returned my check, marked 'Insufficient Funds', I called them to ask if they meant me or them.
McDonald's is now selling the 1/4 ouncer.
Angelina Jolie adopted a child from America.
Parents in Beverly Hills have fired their nannies and are learning their children's names.
One of my friends had an exorcism but couldn't afford to pay for it so they re-possessed him!
A truckload of Americans was caught sneaking into Mexico.
Motel Six won't leave the light on anymore.
A picture is now worth only 200 words.
Wall Street has been renamed 'Wal-Mart Street'.
When Bill and Hillary travel together, they now have to share a room.
The Treasure Island casino in Las Vegas is now managed by Somali pirates.
Congress says they are looking into this Bernard Madoff scandal. Oh great, the guy who made $50 billion disappear is being investigated by the people who made $1.5 trillion disappear!
And, finally...I was so depressed last night thinking about the economy, wars, jobs, my savings, Social Security, retirement funds, etc. that I called The Suicide Hotline. I got a call center in Pakistan. When I told them I was suicidal, they got all excited and asked if I could drive a truck.
