A man dies and he meets St Peter at the Pearly Gates. St Peter says to him: “ Here’s how it works. You need 100 points to make it into heaven. You tell me all the good thing’s you’ve done and I will give you a certain number of points for each item, depending on how good it was. When you reach 100 points, you can come in.”
“Okay, “ the man says. “ I was married to the same women for 50 years and never cheated on her, even in my heart.”
“ That’s wonderful,” says St Peter, “ that’s worth 3 points! “
“ Three Points?” the man exclaims. “ Well, I attended church all my life and I was as regular contributor to the plan giving.”
“ Terrific!” says St Peter. “ That’s certainly worth a point.”
“ One Point?”! Let me see, what else did I do? I use to help in a shelter for the homeless.”
“ Fantastic!” says St Peter. “ That’s good for 2 more points.”
“ Two points?!” Exasperated, the man gives a big sigh and says, “ At this rate it’ll only be the grace of God that I ever get into heaven!”
“ Bingo!” says St Peter. “ That’s 100 points! Come on in!”
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An absent-minded professor stopped to talk to one of his students. Then he asked, “ Which way was I going when I stopped to talk to you?”
“ That way,” the student pointed.
“ Good,” the professor said, “ that means I’ve had lunch.
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He: “ Did you see how pleased Mrs Smith was when I told her she didn’t look a day older than her daughter?”
She: “ I didn’t really notice. I was too busy watching the expression on her daughter’s Face.”
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My husband is on a strict diet – bananas and coconuts.
He’s not losing any weight, but you should see him climb a tree !
Stealing ideas from one person is called “ plagiarism”.
Stealing ideas from many people is called “research”.
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A friend of mine runs a pawnshop and I was curious what he might offer for my grandfather’s old violin.
After looking at it for a few moments, he said, “ Old fiddles aren’t worth much, I’m afraid.”
I asked, “ What makes it a fiddle and not a violin?”
He answered, “ If you’re buying it from me, it’s a violin, but if I am buying it from you, it’s a fiddle.”
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Wife: “ I think the dry climate would disagree with me.”
Husband: “ It wouldn’t dare.”
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Surly customer: “ Do you serve crab in this place?”
Waiter: “ Yes, sir. What can I get you?”
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A sales manager gave his new salesman a detailed schedule for his first sales trip.
“ Be at the airport by & am for the 7.30 flight to Sydney. When you get to Sydney, you should have time for a cup of coffee. Then by 9.15 you should be catching a taxi to the client’s office.”
At 9.14 the sales manager received a text message.
“ Still waiting in line for coffee. What should I do now?”
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